Worst things you've seen people do...in CHURCH!

Okay, I was just thinking about this, and I thought I’d ask.

Once, I was at Mass, and noticed this guy, two pews ahead of me. He reached down inside the back of his pants and started scratching his arse! Right there-in front of God and everyone! In church!

shudder The sick thing is, this was right near the time for the Sign of Peace-for all you non-Mary-Worshipers, the priest says, “Now let us offer one another the Sign of Peace.” And everyone turns to those around them, shake hands and say, “Peace be with you.”

I wish I could have warned the people sitting around this guy!

:eek:

:eek: Another reason to avoid “church.” :wink:

Here’s a pretty bad one here, from an old Savage Love column:

http://www.villagevoice.com/issues/0143/savage.php

(Note: Article is not for the squeamish)

o dear…
the worst thing i’ve ever seen perpetrated in a church must be of my own doing. it was just a few weeks ago actually…

well, my girlfriend somehow has me attending sunday school every week, which is bad enough as it is, because i’m pretty much just a burnt out stoner, but thats another story for another post…

somehow we both managed to get pulled into staying after for the church service, so we could perform a nice religious song in front of the congregation. yip-fucking-ee. we sat in the very back, at the very end of one of the pews, so were were fairly isolated from the nearest other person (which just happened to be a little old lady at the very other end of our pew). after we went up and sang and made fools of ourselves, we slunked back to our seats, and just counted the minutes before the end of the service.

sitting next to her, i just instinctively put my hand on her leg. big deal… well, i couldn’t just let my hand chill on her leg like that, i had to gently stroke her leg, also instictively. eventually, her hand found its way to my thigh, and also gently carresed my leg. me, being the teenager i am, moved closer and closer to her “sweet spot”.

ah fuck it, i start to move in for the kill. it was about this time that she slapped my hand and then pointed to the old lady at the end of our pew. judging by the look on her face, she was most displeased.

one of the maybe 8 full church services i have ever attended ended with my scolding by an old lady for my desire for “da nookie”.
::bows::

i can’t write tonight… after checking out my post before submitting it, i noticed the junior high quality of my sentence and paragraph structure, as well as my total lack of capitalization. honestly, i’m too lazy to do anything about it, so yeah…

My first fumbling sexual experience was in a church recreation hall bathroom.
Not one of my finer moments.

Incense burned on First Fridays would invariably make some kid sick and vomit right there in the pews.

On Sundays supposedly the priest would order the doors locked, so no one could sneak out right after communion,

As a kid, I’d pick my nose and deposit the results under the pew - but who didn’t. Obviously, it was the priest’s fault for being so boring.

Xmas Midnight Mass at the Anglican cathedral here has become a spectator event (I’m told by irate faithful). Cell phones going off and people videoing the proceedings.

A while back, we were rushing into church because we were late and so was the guy behind us. I turned to glance at him and the poor thing had his shirt tail hanging out of his zipper.

I haven’t seen anything too terrible, just the annoying children. OUr church is small, so we don’t have a “quiet room”. Kids talking, laying on the pew, bouncing off the walls. One family had their kids all set up with snacks, books and toys. See, it can be mass and a picnic all in one! I got the evil eye from my parents if I even slouched.

My worst in-church performance was recent, but wasn’t a purposeful thing, by any means. Earlier in this pregnancy (which seems to be dragging on for a millenium, I tell ya) I was extremely sensitive to scents, and prone to exceptionally fast and angry bouts of nausea when I smelled something that just didn’t agree with me.

I might add that this was during my first trimester, before we shared the news of the pregnancy with our church family.

So I’m sitting there during service one morning. Things was getting underway, our pastor was making his opening remarks and announcements, and the stragglers were being seated by the ushers. One of the elder ladies of the congregation, Mrs. Hodge, was brought in and shown to a seat right in front of me. She sat down, and within two inhalations I’m aware that she has, apparently, bathed in Chanel No. 5 and worse, Chanel No. 5 is one of the scents that turns my stomach. Without any ability to stop it or do anything short of a futile clutching of my hands to my mouth, I spewed. Projectile vomit, all over myself and worse, all over Mrs. Hodge’s back and hair. (I’m pretty sure that poor Mr. TLW got a bit of splashback, too.

Mrs. Hodge shreiked (scaring our pastor half to death) and I burst out in tears. Mr. TLW pulled a $20 out of his wallet and threw it at her with an instruction to get her dress cleaned, and hustled me out of there. I wept all the way home. I was mortified, and thought I’d never be able to go to church again.

Our pastor called later that afternoon and we filled him in on what was up, and, as though I wasn’t embarrassed enough, *the following Sunday, he put a notice in the bulletin * telling the entire congregation why I had puked all over Mrs. Hodge – with those words (including “puked”) in the announcement. I had to relive the mortification all over again, and try to put on a smiley face while every single congregant came and offered their congratulations and commiseration and stories of times they’d thrown up unexpectedly. The whole thing was a nightmare which I will revisit in about four hours when I go to church, and every Sunday until time ceases or we move away.

Guinastasia - was he scratching his ass as in butt-cheek, or was he delving inside the dark depths of the anal vortex?

Because a mozzie bite near the panty line I can fully sympathise with, but an itchy haemorrhoid…

I fell asleep during midnight mass last Christmas. I know that dosn’t seem to horendous, but it was rather embarassing. I had gone by myself, having been away from family that year and feeling kinda homesick I thought it would bring back happy memories. After communion, I was kneeling and just going over differnt memories in my head and before I knew it I was asleep. I was woken up by the father about 20 minutes after mass, who gently tapped me and asked if I would like to continue praying somewhere else, or i I would like to talk about my troubles, as they were closing up the church. Geez, I flushed bright red, mumbled my appoligies and went home.

Back in the days before our church had cushions on the pews, my little brother (aged about 3) wet his pants. Said wetness then travelled down the curve of the pew, to be absorbed by my father’s suit.

We left rather abruptly.

See you in Hell.

(I got a hummer in a Sunday school room. Yeah … bad. Bad bad bad.)

-Dirty

It was somewhere in the center-and even so, if it was a bug bite, one doesn’t need to stick one’s hands INSIDE one’s pants in church for God’s sake!

tlw-I hope he said so to give warning to people NOT TO BATHE IN PERFUME!!! Ugh!

Last time I was in church I noticed that about fifty percent of the men present were wearing beepers. I never heard any of them go off, but that certainly would have been rude. That’s an awful lot of very important men to be in the same church at the same time.

There’s a cell phone or a pager going off in every weekend Mass I’ve been to for about the last 2 years. During the Adoration following Holy Thursday Mass (it’s supposed to be mostly silent during that time), at least 2 rang - and in the really quiet, darkened church, they sounded very loud.

But I’m still thinking about the worst thing I’ve observed or experienced during Mass. There are the typical fainting altar boys and such, but I don’t remember anything really big.

At my little brothers wedding, my maternal grandmother walked up to my dad and said “Hi Glenn, long time, no see, you son of a bitch.” She then turned a walked away. It was the first time they had seen each other in 15 years. It actually broke the tension, it was the first social gathering my parents had attended together in the same 15 years.

Didn’t involve me, but I heard about it. My church is on a residential street, and it’s rough going getting in and out of the parking lot. Some people then park on that residential street so they can get away quickly afterwards. Lately more and more people have started doing this, including some blocking driveways and parking in fire lanes, and neighbors complained. Police were called, and the priests announced that parishioners should be careful, and that there were PLENTY of spots in the lot, even if it took longer to get out.

A lot of people still didn’t listen, so the police started writing tickets. A couple weeks into the ticket-writing was Easter Sunday, with even MORE church-goers, and even more people parking on the street. A policewoman was writing tickets when one Mass ended, and a group of people parked on the street, blocking driveways and in firelanes, came out of Mass (early, of course) … and after Easter Sunday Mass, starting cursing at, shoving and intimidating said policewoman.

Disgusting.

Starting in June, our 30-year-old Mass schedule is being changed to allow for more time in between Masses to try to eliminate the going in for one/going out for another Mass tieups these people seem to think allow them to park in front of driveways and shove policewomen.

:eek: who didn’t??

Um. (hysterical laughter) Me for one.

Thank f*ck i never found nasal crustaceans under the pew.
Never again will i put my hands anywhere near unseen surfaces in Church.

Yuck man. Yuck.

(Now I’ve got something extra to watch out for when my daughter starts attending mass with me) Ohjoyyyyy.
Worse thing I’ve ever seen anyone do?
Nothing like that!!! Hahahaha.

I did hear a guy fart once though.

I always sit in the back row on the rare occasions I go to church (speed escape route planned in advance). One time there was an eldery church goer dropped off by a carer/younger relative (?) anyway the elderly woman insists on sitting up the front. Younger woman drops her off up there with her old lady friends and then sits up in the back row with me. The carer person then whips out a copy of LOTR and procedes to ignore the entire service and the rest of us standing up, sitting down, singing etc.

As a fellow LOTR fanatic I can understand her devotion to the book and was even tempted to read over her shoulder. However the ministers wife who happened to be sitting in the same row was less than impressed, she even tried tapping on the womans shoulder and pointing to her song book in an effort to get her to join in.