One Sunday night we heard this yelling, and then this guy came tumbling out of the baptism pool thing behind the stage. It was the local weirdo, who had been attending for a bit. Behind him were two very confused tough looking guys, who left abruptly upon seeing a church service in session, with themselves at the head of it.
It turned out that “Glenn” (or whatever) had said something to these guys on the street that they didn’t like, and when they got out of their car to get him, he ran for the church and through one of the side doors, and into the pool thing, then up and over the wall of it, rolling onto the stage.
When I was 18 months old, I escaped from my parents’ control, crawled under the pews right up to the front of the church, turned round in front of the altar, faced the congregation, and crapped in my diaper.
[sub]One day they’ll shave my head and find 666 tattooed on my scalp.[/sub]
When I was around 6 or 7 I did something pretty funny. I was sick and had a cough drop in my mouth. When we stood I sneezed it right onto the pew in front of me. The guy sat on it. I tried to hold in my laughter for the rest of mass.
Not sick or anything but I accidentally hit the power switch for the house main speakers during the sermon, it took me about 3 or 4 very long minutes to ID the problem and get the mains back on. The whole congreagation just stared at me. That switch has a cover now…
I’ve been flashed at least a handfull of times too, odd thing (to me at least) is that it was always completely attractive 23-28 year old women and not obnoxious teenagers or older single women.
Well, I’ve been to a wedding (as a child) where someone brought in a radio so they would know the football score. Touchdowns were then whispered up and down the pews.
This was in Nebraska.
I’ve also made out in a church, though not in the sanctuary.
Some guy who lived next door to my grandmother’s church had a monster outlaw CB radio system that would hijack the P.A. System in church at inopportune moments during the mass.
At my wife’s church, occasionally someone will get caught at collection time without the perfunctory dollar bill in his wallet, so that person will drop his five, ten, twenty, (whatever) dollar bill in the basket and grab hold of the basket so he can reach in and get his “change” back.
In Mexico, at one of their holiest shrines during mass this diabled lady was crawling up the main aisle on her knees. She had made it about halfway up the main aisle as the faithful came to Communion and trampled this poor disabled lady. Would have been comical were it not so tragic.
My mother used to be church organist. At the time, the organ was in front of the church, off to the right.
Also at that time (my sister and I were probably six and three) my mother used to make us wear cute but incredibly scratchy dresses and those stupid tights with the ruffled butts.
Said ruffled butts slide REALLY well on polished pews.
Back and forth, back and forth…and poor mom could do NOTHING.
Damn, did we catch a lickin’ for that one.
A short time later the organ was moved to the balcony.
I don’t remember this one, but Mom and Dad and a few other adults agreed it happened.
I was two and very antsy in church. To keep me quiet, Gramma let me play with her rosary beads (very nice ones as a matter of fact: crystal beads and a large silver crucifix on the end. I was letting it hang and watching the crucifix spin around. After awhile, I would spin it around in a bigger circle.
Mom was getting a little perturbed and whispered, “What are you doing?”
Me (not so whispered): “I’m giving Jesus a ride.”
Mom: “Stop it.”
Me: “But he likes it!” (He wasn’t complaining.)
Mom: “Put it away now.”
(Of course, Gramma thinks I am cute, no matter what I do. She’s smiling and giggling at me.)
Me: “Just one more ride?”
Mom: “Fine. But that’s it.”
Me (and in this volume):“Hang on Jesus, here we go!!!” and spun the beads over my head.
No, the beads didn’t break, and I didn’t let go. I did sit in the corner for a week, though. Even Gramma couldn’t save me from that.
My brother, age 2: turns to my mother and asks, in his loudest voice, “Does God have a penis?”
Me, age 2: being carried out of the chapel by my father because I was being too loud, I scream, “NO DADDY DON"T BEAT ME!!!”
I got kicked out of Sunday school when I was about 2 or 3 years old. I called my teacher a “son of a bitch.” You mean that’s not what you say to someone you’re mad at? Needless to say, my Navy Dad was in trouble with my Mom!
And in our church once a year the primary children do a presentation for the whole congregation. I’ll never forget this one kid sitting up on the stand picking his nose in full view of everyone. He was quite absorbed in what he was doing. Then when he got bored, he went to sleep. It was too cute.
Young besotted Arnold, dating a fundamentalist christian, accompanies her to one of her church services (where my girlfriend hopes I will “see the light”.) In the middle of the service this man gets up, and starts talking in a loud voice about how unbelievers will suffer the fiery torments of Hell! How embarassing!
Of course, it was the pastor and he was standing in the pulpit at the time, but still.
My Dad tells me that he recalls someone sitting in the back row of pews lighting up a cigarette once. Not technically sacriligeous in any way, but certainly hilarious.
Well, it’s not actually bad, just funny. I try not to fall asleep in church anymore ever since I was nodding off one Sunday, and was awakened by a WHUMP! I looked up at the pulpit and there was nobody there–the people up there were staring at the floor instead. The poor missionary who was speaking had passed out and whacked his head. The paramedics showed up, and the missionary was taken out on a gurney. They had opened his shirt so he was feebly trying to hold it closed. Afterwards, I was with the children and they were all asking if he was dead and if they’d ever see him again.
Let’s see, at my cousin’s baptism there was a part where the god parents had to hold a “candle of life” (or something like that, Catholic) which was symbolic of their godchild’s life and soul. They were supposed to take it, light it and bring it back to the pew in tact and still lit. One family wasn’t very careful and it extinguished almost immediately. So, they took out a Zippo and tried to resurrect it. I think that was a bad omen for that kid.
My Sunday school teacher also once told me “Never make fun of anyone’s religions. You never know who’s right.” A good message, but not a lot of faith, I think.
When I was a (little) kid and they tried to take my collection, I screamed at the collector “I want to give it to Jesus!” not knowing that he was dead.
A few months ago at my great-uncle’s (a Catholic Preist’s) funeral, I was offered the communion wafer. I took it, but didn’t really know what to do with it so I put it in my pocket. I also refused the wine, thinking it was olive oil (why do they use white wine to symbolize blood?)
There’s a woman who’s breastfed 3 children over the years. And not just as infants - you’d see a 2 year old walk up and and lift her shirt. I’m not opposed to breastfeeding, however it’s a distraction and inappropriate at Mass, as far as I’m concerned. Feed your kid before Mass, feed them after Mass. Don’t use your boob as a pacifier.
As for the cellphone thing - I have a very devout friend who was at Mass on Good Friday and his cell went off. He was mortified. He quickly turned it off before even looking to see who called. At my local parish the priest has been known to stop in the middle of Mass until a talker stops or a fussy child is removed. It’s such a relief to be able to concentrate on the Mass.
A cellphone went off in church once, and the pastor said that it meant that the owner of the cellphone had to buy everyone pizza. I never saw it happen again. Once my pager went off, but it was in the middle of a song, and you could barely hear it.
