As I write this I’m too fucking pissed off to come up with creative swears, so you’ll just have to put up with the old generic ones.
I am sick to death of my ex. Yesterday was my youngest son’s sixth birthday. Some of you may remember that after a long fight I got full physical custody earlier this year, though they’ve been living with me full time for almost two.
Anyway I get home, and we sing Happy Birthday and give Chris his gift. Has him Mom dropped a gift off? No. Has she sent a card? No. has, she even called him to say Happy Birthday? NO!
I called her house every thirty minutes from 5pm to 8pm even letting Chris stay up a little longer than his normal bedtime, hoping she at least call. No dice.
I just spoke to her this morning. She forgot. FORGOT. SHE FORGOT!!! I swear I wish she’d disappear sometimes. Just so can stop hurting my boys.
That sucks. There’s a special place reserved in hell for self-serving asswipes who place their own needs before those of their children.My heart breaks for your son. I’m so glad you’ve got custody, hopefully with your love the kids can eventually get over the hurt caused by the bitch who is their mother.
That sucks! Kids really take that kind of shit to heart, too.
You shouldn’t have to do this, but maybe this could be a solution that might work to help your son avoid this kind of heartbreak in the future. Maybe you should contact your ex a few days before and then the day before your son’s birthday and remind her. Even offer to pick up a card or gift and put her name on it if she can’t make the effort. I think it would really mean the world to your son. It might be difficult for you to do this (and it certainly is not fair) but you are obviously a bigger person than she is and you may be able to do this for your kid’s sake.
I think that it is important to consult with your ex instead of just buying a card or gift for him and putting her name on it. If you were to do this (which was my initial idea) then it may backfire if your son were to eventually discover his mom did not even know about these gifts.
One of my parents regularly forgot my birthday growing up and it sucked.
Excellent rant! The intentional crafting of these sentences to show how the rage is clouding the higher levels of the brain and bringing out the base/animalistic side is a genius touch.
PS: You’d think she’d have come up with a little better excuse. Alien abduction, family death, kidney donation, anything no matter how unbelievable would be better than forgetting your own child’s birthday.
~~When I was a kid I had a birthday party at Putt Putt, all
set up by my mom… Only thing was my dad didn’t want to go
because of a football game on tv… My mom got mad and left
me and all the rest of the kids to sort of protest… She was
too upset to stay… We were all alone…
It hurt me then, but now I couldn’t care less if anyone remembers
my birthday or if I remember anyone elses…
Your story kind of reminded me…
Thanks for the support guys. I really appreciate it.
tevya I may try that in the future, instead of subjecting the kids to this, but I’m of two minds about it. Other than the issue of unfairness, it seems dishonest somehow. Like I’d be sheilding them from the truth that is there mother. Yet, I hate seeing them unhappy, and am not usre it’s my placew to let them see there mother for what she is. I hope that’s not too confusing.
Anticay I’m like you, I don’t really care if anyone remembers my Birthday or not. Same for all holidays really, but this is her son, she gave birth to him. For her to forget is totally inexcusable.
Not confusing at all. There is only a small, but ultimately kind, dishonesty involved. True, she won’t have actually remembered. Also true that you are shielding them somewhat, but isn’t that part of being a parent? Obviously we can’t (and shouldn’t) shield children from every possible hurt. But to a child birthdays and holidays are special times. To be forgotten by a parent during these times is especially hurtful. You’d just be shielding them from that.
If your child is anywhere near as bright as you then he will figure out what his mom is really like. I think that in time he will also thank you for the kindness.
Man, that’s rotten. I hope having a super dad makes up for the shortcomings mom obviously has.
I’m not sure about the card and gift - although the thought is a good one. You would end up building up expectations for your kids in re: to their mom. We try a lot us things to protect our children from pain, but these sorts of things may end up a bit more painful later. On the other hand, if you have a good relationship with them, they are likely to draw on that, and put less ficus on your ex.
I think small children can get used to things, even hurtful things, and get over them. If they have a solid parent (like you seem to be, stuffin), they can get over the shortcomings of another. Now, I would not tell you to badmouth your ex either - just avoid the subject if possible and ficus on the positive relationship that you have with your kids. If they ask about mom, something like “mom will tell you all about it, how about some pop corn for the movie?”
i know that you were really hoping she would call. that she would remember. but every time you called her, your son got his hopes up. and when you let him stay up late in case she called, he got his hopes up. unless you were very careful about not letting him or his brothers know what was going on.
i’ve been on this situation from both sides, as both the forgotten child and the step-mother of forgotten children. when you have a parent who does not pay any attention to you (and i mean in the extreme birthday-card-once-every-few-years sort of way), the part that hurts most is when you get your hopes up for some reason and they don’t come through.
eventually you stop expecting that missing parent on your birthday, unless someone brings it up.
tradesilicon and abuse angel your point about building up expectations is noted. I do agree with you about that. I guess I was just going on what I think I would have wanted. I think I would have loved to have received a birthday card from my forgetful parent even if it was just sent due to some prompting from the other parent. But you may be right. I may have reacted in a completely different way in reality then in what I imagine. Who knows?
tevya, it was nice getting a card from my dad now and then. but it also hurt a lot. thinking about all of the other years that i got nothing. realizing that i probably wouldn’t get anything the next year. it was like re-opening a wound i’d forgotten about.
and the worst came a month later when my brother got nothing for his birthday, as usual. my poor brother was never acknowledged once by our father, right up until the day dad died.
You know that’s probably why I was so pissed this morning. Wondering if I contributed partly to him being disappointed. Even though he requested the first phone call. I’m prety sure the extra time up before bed went unnoticed. The boys were all playing togther with Chris’ gift after dinner, and it was only an half an hour. But still.
tradesilicon Thanks, I hope I’m truly earning that “super” title. I’ll be happy with competent.
tevya, I know what you mean. I know you were looking for something that wasn’t there - I am sorry about the pain you and abuse angel went through.
The reason I think the way I do on this subject is that I have tried in a few instances to make people out to be a bit nicer than they really are, for my son. Nothing as drastic as what we are discussing here, but still little cover ups. Eventually he saw through it, and realized that not only was the person less than he expected, but that his dad was putting one over on him.
Of course the experts may have a different view, I know little “expert” information on this. Just gut feeling.
What a lousy thing to have happen.
stuffin - most important - congrats on your son’s birthday!
I was in a situation similar to your boys. My mother initially had custody of me, but after a few months, I started living with my dad. And I lived with him for almost 15 years after that. Although I my mom never forgot my birthday, she did do a lot of things that were selfish and inconsiderate to me, my dad, and my stepmother. My dad’s job was a bit difficult–when we started out together (in themid 80’s), it was quite unusual for a single man in his late 20’s to be raising a 5 year old girl alone.
But this isn’t about me, it’s about you. I just want to say that having at least one stable, dependable parent can make all the difference. I am very much like my dad–one time my mom tried to insult me by telling me that, and I took it as a great compliment. Don’t openly express all of your anger in front of your sons–they probably still love your mother, and it will only hurt them.
Oh, stuffinb, that sucks, and I wish I knew what to say besides the fact that I’m sorry that your son’s biological mother is not only hurting the child but also herself by missing out on his childhood. You strike me as a solid parent who cares deeply for his children. Hang in there and know that I’m sending positive, warm thoughts your and his way.
stuffin, i didn’t mean to say that it was your fault. i was just trying to offer a suggestion on how to minimize the pain that she is causing. i’m sure you’re a great parent (any dad who is more concerned about his kid’s feelings than his own towards the ex-wife is ok in my book), and that your sons are very lucky to have you. especially considering her unfortunate behaviour.
one day she’ll regret this, i’m sure. and one day your kids will have moved on, and they’ll be great people despite her.
This time I tried a portion of your suggestion. After not seeing the kids for the last month, I got her to visit them for a little while last Saturday. I asked her specifically what she had planned for yesterday, my namesakes birthday. She and her hisband said she come by and bring hima card and some money so he’d be able to get him something he likes. She said this to him.
So yesterday was Stuffy2s 9th birthday. Nothing! No call, no visit, and certainly no money. What the fuck kind of person treats her own child this way? I can get over not receiving any kind of support (though when she had them you can bet that Family Support got there money on time). I can even excuse the lack of visits, the boys are getting used to it now. But a childs birthday, FUCK. That’s like the best holiday after Xmas.
Anyway, Stuffy2 got to pick the dinner menu. My wife and I also bought him a gameboy advance, which he’d been hinting for since Xmas. He only brought her up once and let it go when noone answered her phone. I didn’t repeat my mistake of last time, letting them stay up hoping she’d call. Damn.
Been there, man. My husband’s ex put my stepdaughter through that hell, with added refinements we won’t go into too much - except the promises for weekend visits that were all too often broken.
:grips hand comfortingly:
It’s hard, and there just doesn’t seem to be anything that can be done, except minimize the damage as best you can.
One of my students was recently celebrating her 16th birthday. Normally, I don’t do anything special for the kids’ birthdays except to tell them Happy Birthday and maybe sing to them as a class if the class wants to do so.
This time, however, the girl had been planning a Sweet 16 party all month. She had invited over 50 people to her house, had bought drinks and everything, and had asked her brother to DJ the party. On the night of the party, her mother made her cancel because she wanted to go play Bingo with her friends. FUCKING BINGO!! She figured she could still have it since her older brother would be there, but her older brother went to a friend’s house, got high, and forgot. In tears, she had to turn people away when they showed up because it was too late for her to call everybody. She told them to come back around 9:00 when her mom should be home. They came back, but had to leave again because her mom didn’t get home until 1 in the morning (from God knows where).
I felt so bad for her that I bought her a cake and we had a party in class the next day after she told me.
