Say you are in a relationship. Your S.O.'s ex/exes were seemingly ‘perfect’. As in, incredibly talented, popular, kind, humble, etc. Their relationship was perfect, no fights or anything. The only reason they broke up was because the ex moved far away to care for their dying mother. They are still friends and keep in touch. S.O. speaks highly of them.
Would it bother you? Would you feel jealous? My brother asked me; apparently his live-in girlfriend’s ex was Mr. Perfect and he feels a little jealous but also feels guilty about feeling jealous. We often associate jealousy with insecurity and no one, wants to come off insecure.
I admitted to him that I’d be a little jealous. Its poor taste to badmouth an ex but talking them up can make the other person feel uncomfortable. Fortunately all the exes of women I’ve been with were train wrecks, so I never had to be someones silver medal.
The fact that they broke up due to circumstances rather than falling out of love would bother me. I’d always be wondering what would happen if Ms. Perfect showed up back in town again, since my SO didn’t want to leave her in the first place.
I think I’d probably have a discussion with my SO, too, along the lines of, “Well, you’re not with her any longer - you’re with me, and if you’re still pining for her, I need to know that.”
My ex was perfect. Light years ahead of anyone else I’ve considered dating in maturity, kindness, respect and general attitude about others. It causes me to view any other potential mate with a critical eye, and they’ve responded with jealousy and insecurity. Rightfully so, though I’d never cheat, and the ex is far too decent to cheat. But I can’t help but compare.
I agree with Cat Whisperer. An honest discussion and a direct question or two may be necessary. Nagging doubt is corrosive.
It would bother me if my SO constantly talked about an ex - I don’t care if she was Ms. Perfect or a trainwreck. Occasionally, yes, but all the time? That’s a dealbreaker.
Sometimes perfect isn’t perfect for a relationship. If the SO’s perfection is constantly illuminating the other’s imperfections, resentment can get a foothold.
Now, if we assume they broke up because they did fall out of love for some reason, then we’re back to a nice basic quandary: would you prefer if your SO’s exes are pug fugly or goddesses? I’ve actually had this discussion with a bunch of my female friends and most of them say that they would prefer that the girl is ugly, because that is less threatening to them.
To me, I’d prefer if the girl was beautiful. When my boyfriend has downright ugly exes (not less than perfect, but undeniably unattractive), it makes me have a completely childish, selfish reaction. . . then well, probably another childish, selfish reaction-- both of which are just those pings in your stomach you can’t stop, despite knowing how irrational they may be.
My first thought is: “OH GOD! Do I. . . do I look like this girl?!” Completely childish, selfish, and stupid-- but there it is. The second reaction I have is to question him-- normally, I date good looking guys, so I will definitely wonder what’s so wrong with him that he’d date so far “down.” Again, TOTALLY irrational and unfair. This is something I’ve, over the years, learned to get under control-- but if I just let my emotions do their thing, those would be the thoughts in my head.
I’m a bit of a narcissist, if that isn’t clear heh.
My husband was married twice before me, and never compares me to either wife on a conscious level - he never makes any verbal comparison, unless you count things like “I’ve never felt this way” stuff, and I don’t doubt him. However, when he bitches about the housekeeping, I want to kick and yell. He was married for 13 years to an older woman, and they didn’t deal with 3 kids in-house. Sure, it’s easy to keep a perfect house for two adults, but 3 kids, 3 dogs, and two adults? Harder. And I don’t care whether Martha Stewart is coming over later.
Some part of me actually is jealous, because he compares a bit of our life to that domestic ideal, but I know on every level that he wouldn’t trade the current mayhem for his previous life.
My partner had even more “exes” than I had, and that’s a lot. Actually, I’m grateful to them all, for helping to make him the man he is. I’m sure that if any of them were “perfect,” they were a very positive influence.
My fiance’s most recent ex is pretty perfect - I say this because I know her, he has never compared us or anything. They had a mutual-ish break-up over relatively small issues, but they are still friends (tho not all that close), she’s now married and has two small kids, and I am not at all threatened by her.
If there were unresolved feelings on his part, totally different situation, but that’s something more to do with your SO and your relationship than an outside person.
No-one is perfect. If the relationship was perfect it wouldn’t have ended, distance or no distance. And if they really never fought, it either was a very short relationship or they both have massive issues with avoiding conflict. So with all respect to you and your brother, there’s got to be more to the story. Which is totally okay - we don’t need to know any more than you want to share. But something’s getting distorted here, and your brother may need to reevaluate what’s bothering him. Once he finds it, yes, he needs to talk to her. Hopefully she’ll be able to reassure him, change her own behavior if needed, and put doubts to rest.
My husband speaks well of his ex, but he doesn’t speak of her often. I know she wasn’t perfect, the relationship ended for good reasons on both sides. But it was a good relationship for many years, and while he’s shared a few pertinent details with me he respects her too much to speak poorly of her. I’m pleased - if he can treat his ex with respect, it says a lot about his character. And like Panache45 said, he’d be a very different person if she hadn’t been in his life. If he claimed she was perfect, or spent a lot of time talking up her good points, or compared me to her, yeah, I’d feel insecure as hell.
That’s a good point actually; if the ex has well and truly moved on, as evidenced by a marriage and kids, I don’t think I’d be threatened by her perfection at all. If my SO was still pining for someone who had obviously moved on, then we’d have a different discussion (like what he was doing with me at all - I’m not a consolation prize).
It would depend on how long they had been together and the nature of their relationship. If it had been a short, casual thing, then I wouldn’t care at all. If they had been in a serious, long-term relationship and the only reason they aren’t still together was because of the move, then I would look down on my partner unless they had a very good excuse for why they didn’t move with their ex, and I don’t consider career to be a good excuse.
It is OK for your SO’s Ex to be perfect. It is a problem if your SO needs to tell you about how perfect the EX is.
It sounds to me like your brother has heard enough about how great his girlfriends’ Ex was. It is perfectly normal for him to be jealous since that is exactly what the girlfriend is going for.
They had a mutual-ish break-up over relatively small issues, but they are still friends (tho not all that close), she’s now married and has two small kids, and I am not at all threatened by her.
