I’ve been looking through personal ads a bit lately. Not really seriously, just sort of to see what’s out there. And I notice there are a decent few of them that have a racial requirement. Often it comes with a set of requirements “be at least 6 feet tall, have a job, place, and car, be white” but sometimes it’ll be alone as the only real requirement “white guys only please”. Using white as an example but also because that seems to be the most common requirement. But the question would apply equally to any racial restriction.
I find it to be a pretty significant turn off - I mean, to automatically disclude entire races of men seems like a significant personality flaw to me. But I’ve heard people argue that you can’t control what you’re attracted to, so it really isn’t racist. But to me I could see where that might influence your preferences, but a hard “don’t even bother” strikes me as pretty racist.
On the other hand, maybe it’s forward and honest. Maybe there are a lot of people who’d automatically reject offers from people of other races based on their picture, and the people who are up front about it are just saving the time of those people.
I’m not sure if it’s a total dealbreaker for me, if everything else seemed great I might give it a try, but it would definitely be a significant flaw.
Incidentally, does it make a difference to you if the person belongs to that race or not?
To me, if there were a white guy posting that said “Asians only”, I’d tend to think of that as more of a strong preference/fetish (and therefore less racist), whereas if the same guy said “whites only” I’d tend to think of that as more xenophobic/exclusionary. Not sure if it’s a big enough distinction that I’d judge it differently, but I’m curious if that changes anyone else’s mind.
I find this odd because I feel the exact opposite. I would scroll past all the ads with racial preferences, but I would be more bothered by the white guy who said “Asians only”. I find the weird fetishization of “exotic” races to be pretty gross, whereas I find people who only date their own race gross, but less gross.
Even if you do tend to only date one race, I think it’s weird to put it in your ad. I’d assume anyone who does that has hang-ups.
If you are already eliminating the old, the fat, the ugly and the homeless, why not come on out and say you aren’t interested in people of a different race from yourself? If I was looking at personals I would be slightly less inclined to contact those with racial restrictions. On the other hand, it would also save me the trouble of contacting those hot black, Asian or middle eastern women who aren’t interested in my lily white glow.
I’ve been surprised enough by my wily glands to never trust that just because I was never attracted to people with feature X in the past, that it means I’ll never be attracted to people with it. When it comes to online dating, the style of your pictures and the content of your bio tell me far more about whether I think we’d be compatible than physical features or dating restrictions.
Someone specifying a specific race will probably get passed by by me.
I’m pretty slow to judge, but I’ve seen this in person. Usually, there are more aspects to the persons personality which round out how I feel about them, or on their end, they eventually drop/forget the requirement when they’ve experienced more substance and can better flesh out the person. In almost all cases, it’s more of a preference than hard racism, especially if you’ve been on the receiving end of both (and as you’ve stated, it also has other requirements attached).
In a less personal online environment, I don’t have any real reason to delve any further and don’t think it’s the best allocation of time; so in answer to your thread, I’d consider it a turnoff, at face value-- but then the profile sort of serves its intended purpose, if indirectly.
That said, my counter-question is this:
If you are of the particular race the person is interested in, how does that change your level of interest, if at all? Do you pass through the gate and engage, or do you adhere to principal and remain turned off?
I assumed for the purpose of this pole that you qualified for the requirement, otherwise if you didn’t, and they told you right off the bat that they’d never date you because of your race, there’d be no reason to pursue them. So the question is meant “even if you qualify for their requirements, is it a turnoff?”
I seriously do not mean this in an insulting way, but I find your attitude exceedingly weird. Why do you only date black men? What is “black”’ anyway? What if he’s mixed? What if he’s a really dark Hispanic? Why is it ok if you only date black men, but not ok if he only dates white women? Wouldn’t that make you more compatible if anything?
You don’t have to answer; I get these are very personal questions. Heck, maybe you don’t even know the answers! I just really don’t understand it.
People like what they like and it’s their choice.
I won’t think a white man is racist if he wants to date only white women, anymore than a black man who wants to date only black women is racist, or there’s something wrong with a white man who dates only black women or a black man who dates only white women.
I don’t think its strange if a man wants to date only Asian women, or Spanish women or whatever else his choice might be.
He knows what he likes, for whatever reason.
I think limiting your choices by race in the dating pool is kind of stupid, in the same way that insisting on certain hair colors, heights, body types and income levels are stupid. The more you limit your choices the less likely you are to find someone.
However, if you are of a certain religion and it’s important to you then limiting yourself to people of that same religion can save you a lot of problems later on.
If you are of an ethnicity where marrying outside your group will cause problems then maybe it’s better to limit yourself to that group to save yourself from future trouble.
If you live in an area or come from a family where interracial marriage is not accepted, then maybe it’s better to limit who you date.
People know what they are willing to deal with in a relationship and there’s nothing wrong with them if they don’t want to deal with family and societal disapproval by dating outside their race, or religion, or ethnic group any more than it would be wrong for a vegetarian to avoid people who eat meet, or for people who are athletic to avoid the obese.
I only date white guys. The first guy I ever dated and was in love with was a black guy, when I was 16. My family freaked the fuck out. It was awful and I never want to go through that (or put someone I’m in love with) again.
Do I find guys of other races to be sexy? Hellz yeah. If my family wasn’t both racist and important to me, would I be open to dating non-white guys? Absolutely. But that’s not the case so I just stick to my sad, lonely, seemingly-racist-but-not-really life.
If I see “[race] only” on a profile, it does give me pause but I know I have what I feel is a valid reason, so I don’t judge.
I have never in my life seen a woman post an “Asian guys only” ad, so I voted “positive” because I think it would be cool to see one. I don’t view it as any different than liking me for any other traits I can’t change, like my height or my jawline.
I don’t see it as any different than a height or weight requirement. It’s just someone being specific about what is physically attractive to them, and being specific saves everyone time. If I see an ad for a man that interests me, but read on to find that he is only seeking purple Venusians under three feet tall, I know not to bother, and just move on without wasting his time or my own.
I would be open to dating anyone I was attracted to, I’m just only attracted to black men. But if a black man is only attracted to white women I think there’s something wrong with him. Or if he’s attracted to other women too but only dates white women for some other reason, there’s *definitely *something wrong with him.
(There’s something wrong with me too but I can’t exactly stay away from myself.)
You like who you like, and people should respect that. Now, if I want to date someone of a different race and you make snarky comments, THAT IS A DEAL BREAKER.
OP: I’d stay away from someone who rules out entire swathes of the palette. However, I can see that in a small percentage of cases, it may have a reasonable basis. E.g.: Sexual attraction may not be the most important aspect but it may still be a necessary condition nonetheless. If someone has found that they cannot be sexually attracted to any race but a particular one no matter how much they wish otherwise, well then I guess it’s better than dating people you aren’t capable of being attracted to.
I hear ya. people are weird, and sexual preferences are even weirder.
I felt like adding, I would scroll past any ads I thought were overly specific in their preferences. If someone specified their partner had to be a certain weight, or a certain height, or a certain hair color, it would be a deal-breaker for me. I just think that’s weird and gross, and not how I choose a partner (or want to be chosen). But I get that opinions differ; I don’t think people who post ads like that are necessarily bad people, but it seems like a viewpoint that far enough from my own to ensure we wouldn’t be compatible.
Indeed - might as well be honest.
I suspect depending on who hosts/runs the ad, saying such things out right and obvious, is not allowed - otherwise, more people might.
Anyways, I encourage it - the more we are open about race, the less the real racists can continue to hide behind their identity politics.
I would never date such a person. And truthfully, I’m not sure what the big deal is about dating within your own race anyway. Or what the big deal is about race in the first place.