I would like to point out that touching anyone without their permission is considered assault, and it is illegal. It is also condescending and damn bad manners.
I have long straight hair that children love to touch. The first time any child does, I say “I know you like to touch my hair, but you should always ask before you do it. Nobody has the right to touch anybody without the person’s permission.”
If a grown up touches me, I say “Look, I don’t like to be touched. Please don’t do that.” If it happens again it’s “I told you not to touch me. DON’T—DO–IT.”
We use to have a guy here who thought it was funny to sneak up behind women and give them a bear hug. He changed his tune about doing it to me when, after warning him about it repeated times, I backed into a wall with him hugging me like that. He complained about me to the Big Boss, who stated “Don’t touch people in the office.”
Well, i’m not going to tell you that you did the wrong thing, because you’re the one who has to work in that environment, and if you don’t want to rock the boat then that’s understandable.
But, FWIW, i personally don’t think it matters what their reason for touching you is. Whether it’s a race thing, a gender thing, a patronizing thing, or simply, as you suggest, a “you’re a real pal montro” thing, the fact is that these fuckers should keep their hands to themselves, and this should apply to all workplaces unless physical contact is necessary to the job.
The only jobs i’ve had where physical contact (beyond a handshake) was necessary was when i worked in the hospitality industry as a bartender and a waiter. Such occupations often involve carrying trays of drinks or plates of food in a rather cramped environment, and if you had to walk behind other staff members it was often a good idea to touch them on the shoulder or the back or the waist to let them know that you were behind them and that they should not step back suddenly.
If there were other black people in the lab, then I would have said so earlier, when people were asking if this could be a racial thing. I guess I shouldn’t have assumed that.
I don’t know if this is a racial thing. It probably isn’t. But my being the “only one” in my workplace doesn’t help me discount that particular hypothesis completely, you dig?
Large Marge, you didn’t do anything wrong. You asked before you touched. I don’t think it’s strange that people would want to finger hair that’s of an unusual texture. What is strange is when people put their paws on someone’s hair without even considering that person’s feelings.
Odd, I’m a white girl with long curly hair and my black co-workers and I touch each other’s heads all the time. Black girls at work have grabbed up on my head to demonstrate how much of a bitch it’d be to braid, guys comment and/or touch every single time I leave my hair down instead of putting it up like normal, I’ll lightly run my fingers over an interesting braid pattern on a guy’s head joking that the design says “fight the power” in braille, etc. I work in a pretty informal environment, and wouldn’t touch anyone I wasn’t familiar with but I don’t get weirded when anyone touches me.
I’ve had a lot of manager types over the years that seemed to think touching you while talking to you was somehow better management technique. Pat on the shoulder, the upper arm grasp, one-armed half hug, etc. Doesn’t bother me, but most likely even if it did I wouldn’t make an issue out of it because it just wouldn’t be worth it. They don’t mean to be offensive, they’re not singling me out and I don’t want to deal with the drama of being Miss Untouchable.
You personal spacers have every right to handle things differently, of course. I’ll just be over there enjoying my lesser share of drama while the bosses badmouth you behind your back. Is it fair or right or adult? Nope, but people suck.
And that’s why I don’t want to tell them to stop. Because I don’t want to deal with them talking about me behind my back, which I know they would do.
I should clarify the situation (for some, this is only going to make me look like more of a wimp): the people who are patting me on the head are not my professional equals. One is a graduate student in the lab where I work (so he’s not really my underling so much as an underling-in-general). The other is a technician who works under me. Both of them are younger than me by some years.
I guess I should be more of a “boss” type and put my foot down. I never felt like people didn’t respect my authority (in fact, they seem to respect it even more than they should, simply because I’m “Doctor Monstro”). But it is disrespectful for them to touch me in that way, IMHO. Even if they don’t mean to be disrespectful.
I’ll say something the next time it happens. I promise.
My Canadian self is having trouble believing that this is even an issue in the workplace - patting someone else on the head is simply not done here. Hugs are also extremely rare in the workplace - maybe when someone you’re close to leaves their job, but that’s about it. Maybe all Canadians need counselling, too.
