“Single, but in a relationship” doesn’t make any sense to me. But “single, and screwing a bunch of dudes” does. If she isn’t in a long term relationship, she’s single, in my opinion, no matter how many dates or one night stands or friends with benefits she has.
Right, that’s an oxymoron at best.
one way people use the term “single” to simply mean “not married.” If that’s the meaning, that phrase makes perfect sense.
Sure. I guess what I’m saying is that I’ve never heard it used that way. Single, as I’ve always heard it used, means the opposite of “in a relationship”.
I have never known anyone in my life refer to themselves a single when they are in a committed relationship. I don’t know who these people are that you speak of but their acumen for language seems rather lacking.
My whole concern with her is that she is having this type of social behavior and because of it. no guy wants to have a serious relationship with her. The new guys she meets find out about her relationship with all these guys and they don’t want anything to do with her. Or the guys she already knows and tries to have a serious relationship with doesn’t last longer than a week or two because they know they can just call her up get what they want and leave.
Im tired of her coming to me for advice, and comfort every time a guy lets her down, and she never listens. I thought it made sense that the guys saw her as easy and untrustworthy, but from your responses I guess I’m just going crazy.
I guess I should just tell her that she needs to find a guy that doesn’t care if she lets guys sleep over in her bed with her while their going out. Or tell her that she needs to find a guy that won’t care if she calls one of her fuck buddies when he’s gone for a week or two on a trip.
I guess the world really has changed and I’m way too traditional.
Thanks everyone for your help 
I don’t really disagree. But look at government forms, you have the option of married, single, or divorced. Single, in that scenario would leave room for “but in a relationship.” Whether that bleeds over into the way real people talk in real life, I can’t say.
Yeah, but that’s only because being married means there’s legality involved. The government doesn’t care if you’re in a committed relationship because they have no obligations to that relationship. Being married OTOH, the government is legally obligated to recognize that relationship in certain ways.
Sounds to me like she is being 23. The average college-educated woman doesn’t get married until around 30. For many women, a committed relationship in their early twenties is neither realistic nor desireable. When people aren’t ready for relationships, they tend to have non-relationships to pass the time and keep the tension relieved.
She’ll almost certainly eventually figure out what she wants and start looking for more serious prospects- but that will probably be more of a late 20s thing than early 20s thing.
I’m in the camp that uses single like the tax definition so that you can be single and in a relationship or single and not. I’d use the term “available” to mean “not in any relationship.”
As for the sister’s choices, it really seems like it’s her business. Like Dr. Phil, I’d ask “How’s that working for you?”
If this arrangement works for her, then it’s her choice whether to continue it. I wouldn’t let a label like “slutty” stop her from doing what she wants. As long as the sex is safe, there’s no domestic abuse, etc. then I don’t see the harm. (Even if I personally wouldn’t do this.)
If the arrangement does not work for her, then she needs to reassess her priorities and come up with a new plan for achieving them. It wouldn’t surprise me if “marriage-material” guys are avoiding someone who has three different friends with benefits, but I also don’t read anything from the OP that makes it conclusive this is the sister’s problem. Maybe she starts every first date with a detailed critique of the guy’s fashion sense.
And if I were the OP, I’d just tell sis that this topic was just not open for discussion anymore. If you don’t want to listen to her problems, then don’t.
I agree with Even Stevens - just put yourelf in cryogenic slumber for seven years (and stop calling your sibling a slut). She’ll probably be okay.
Since she lives with you and comes for you for comfort and advice, I guess you do have the right to give her your opinion. If nothing else, it’s your house her fuck-buddies are coming to, right?
I think the next time she brings the subject up, you should just tell her everything I quoted from your post. Lay the cards on the table. And avoid trying to soften the blow with psycho babble. Unless you’re a psychologist. Even after she goes into dramatics after you tell her your feelings.
By both the “not married” or “not in a serious, committed, and monogamous” understandings of the word she’s single. I’d guess she’s not celibate but that’s a different word than single although there’s some cultural loading that maybe relates the two.
Before she was jumping from relationship to relationship without a lot of pause in between. It’s serial monogamy but not necessarily serious. That’s a more culturally acceptable way to be sexually active. She’s still having premarital sex but “only with guys she’s dating” so it’s not “slutty.” It’s not necessarily serious and pretending it is can be an emotional roller coaster.
It sounds like her current set up isn’t working. It also sounds like the old serial monogamy wasn’t working for her either. She’s young, in college, possibly still immature and quite possibly not ready or in a place for something more serious. If that’s so I find her current behaviors more honest and less destructive than pretending she’s serious with every new guy. It’s not working for her though. Maybe she really is ready to try serious again. Maybe she needs to find another way to meet her social needs instead of doing it through romantic relationship. Maybe she needs to get more comfortable with herself instead of making it all about a man or men to “make her happy.”
A woman who sleeps with any man is easy. A woman who will sleep with a lot of men but not you is a slut.
Your sister isn’t single, she’s a slut. I’d like to meet her.
If she is not in a relationship she is single, i’m not sure i understand why you would be confused about this.
I think she’s coming to you, seeking your advise because at heart she doesn’t want to live this way. She attempted to ‘be single’ for a while and couldn’t really get it right. I think her keeping you privy to these events could be construed as wanting someone to hold her accountable to the things she says.
Don’t fall into telling her what she ought do, it’s a trap. It won’t help her, it will frustrate you, and it will certainly damage your relationship, I think. Remind her these are her choices, you can’t make her do the right thing, she has to do that herself. Remind her she’s an adult and you have tons of faith in her.
At twenty three she’s just confused, going through some stuff, etc. She seems to be trying to get herself on a better path in life. Encourage that. Tell her you believe in her. Remind her where she wants to go. Remind her how empowering those first difficult choices will be.
Try putting your judging self (which I sense you’re uncomfortable with already!) aside, and focus on building her confidence up. That’s what she really needs. Tell her you’re proud of her for wanting to take steps toward a better path. I think it will you’ll see better results to be honest.
Good Luck!
Whether single means just not married or not in a committed,monogamous relationship …she’s single. The word you seem to be confusing with that is celibate. Whether she’s directly telling people she’s sexually active with others or not, as long as she’s not lying if there seems to be an expectation of monogamy it doesn’t matter IMO.
Serial monogamy seemed not to be working for her. In many cases of someone not in a place where a committed relationship fits, serial monogamy is just a way to appear “slutty.” The relationship is not serious but sex within a relationship is the more socially acceptable form of being sexually active in some groups…even if the relationship isn’t serious. Since you label your sister a slut, I’m guessing that she might feel that pressure in her social group. I actually commend her for jumping off that lie to herself and “romantic” partners if she was just playing at romance for sex.
Her current arrangement doesn’t seem to be working. Maybe she’s getting to the point where she wants more serious. Maybe she isn’t but needs to find the connection outside the context of a romantic/sexual partner (whether she keeps the man harem or not). She’s young and has less life experience than most of us. I’m still learning. You can listen and support to help her however she chooses to deal with her sexuality.
She’s a slut. She’s in 3 separate sexual relationships.
Does she want to appear on Maury?
You guys obviously do not get it. I don’t want to be involved in her sex life, if what she does works for her then great i don’t give a shit. But she’s been doing for so long and constantly coming to me when a guy breaks up with her when finding out that she lets guys sleep in her bed when they sleep over or calls a fuck buddy over when her current “boyfriend” is gone for a trip or something, is getting ridiculous.
I was at wall-mart a few days ago and ran into one guy who i remember my sister telling me who turned her down when she asked him out. I asked him “Hey man you’ve known steph for a long time and you guys hang out a lot, why did you turn her down like that?” He said “yeah she’s great as a friend, but dude no offense but she’s way too slutty for me man.”
That is what is telling ME that what she is doing is telling EVERYONE that she is being slutty.
She had left her phone next to me “unlocked” and i took a quick look. She had txts from atleast 50 some guys in one day, asking her what she was doing that night. when she said she was going to be busy, nearly every one replied oh nvm. now is that concrete evidence? no but its a good god damn clue.
Its not that she doesn’t know what she wants, she knows that she wants a serious relationship, but from what I’ve learned, heard, and seen, she’s being too god damn slutty. Even my girlfriend for 3 months thinks its not normal and their almost the same age.
So i came here for a possibility for some outside advice and you guys are completely clueless.
And for all of you who said that I was getting involved, that I was jealous, that I was putting a label on what she was doing, what is wrong with you people?!