I’m 36 and going back to school, so I should think that doesn’t bother me. But yes, I’d not date someone who lived with their parents. I understand in today’s financial world it’s a necessity sometimes and I am not judging, but it’s just not for me, to be sidestepping parents and possibly meeting them so early in the relationship, etc.
I think it really depends on lifestyle.
Recently, I dated a 28-year-old med school student. It didn’t work out. He found it difficult to believe:
•That I’m in bed by 10 p.m. every night and require a full eight hours of sleep. Every night.
•That I work a second job as well, which is extremely physical and therefore, exhausting, so I don’t have a lot of time during the week for staying up really late.
•That I don’t go clubbing every night until 2 a.m.
He was still in frat boy mode (although, AFAIK, he wasn’t in a fraternity) and was all about getting pussy, partying with his boys, and getting pussy. That just doesn’t match up with my lifestyle. I have to be very disciplined to meet all my obligations and responsibilities. I’m not going to drop everything (and get out of bed) to go hookup for a booty call at 1 in the morning on a Wednesday night. I’m usually home and thinking about going to bed at 1 in the morning on a Saturday night. Full-time students who don’t also have a job have far more free time than I do and tend to keep odder hours.
If this 40-year-old full-time student approaches the go-back-to-school thing like it’s his job, and is a bit disciplined about it or at least respectful of my lifestyle (like, don’t call me after 9:30 p.m., don’t expect me to stay out until the bars close on a weeknight), then sure.
I’m currently going back to school to get my MBA in the evenings and I’m engaged to a girl who is almost done with her PhD. We’re both 29. So the age and school thing doesn’t bother me. My problem was, before she moved in with me, living with some family friends so when I came up to visit her I had to pay for a hotel room for the weekend since we couldn’t go back to her place and she couldn’t afford a hotel room. That got old fast and if there is a next time I would absolutely avoid girls who don’t have reasonable access to some where besides my bed to have sex.
I’m with Dogzilla - it would be a lifestyle issue for me.
30 and going back to school full time? Not a problem (though 30 is a bit young for me). I would be very supportive of the full-time schooling since CS degrees need to be current to count for anything in your job search. So going full speed ahead and getting it done I can respect.
Living with your parents? Probably not a big deal. I’d be living alone so there’d be plenty of privacy at my place. BUT you need to be living independently alongside your parents, not having mom make all your meals, do your laundry, etc.
To be compatible with me, though, you need to be living a grown up lifestyle. Your schedule would need to be in sync with mine. Not up late every night and sleeping 'til noon. Not going out every weeknight, etc. Or even every weekend night. I’ve been in 9-5 mode for so many years I wake naturally between 7and 8 on weekends and want to be in bed by 11 except on rare occasions.
I’m glad some people don’t care about moving back in with parents. I came back from Iraq to a divorce and a mysteriously empty bank account. It was either Mom or my car. My wonderful girlfriend didn’t care when I met her.
You asked, so I’ll be honest.
Going back to school at 30. Not really a deal breaker, in and of itself.
“Thinking of, might take, if that doesn’t work out, go back to…”, yeah, I gotta say, this would be the tipping point for me. I can see returning to schooling at 30 with new focus or drive. But not this.
When you throw in returning to the parental home, to finance this vague quest, yeah, I’d be highly critical of that. I’m thinking I’d not entertain the notion any further.
Of course, I’m willing to admit if I knew you in person, and interacted with you, perhaps your charms would sway me. But based on what you’ve revealed here, no, I wouldn’t date you, sorry.
It really does come down to lifestyle. I’m a relatively responsible adult and I’ve been working full-time to support myself for almost a decade, but dating someone who worked 9-5 and needed a lot of sleep would be almost impossible. My work schedule is random, I always work weekends, most days I don’t get home until after 10 pm, and I stay up past 2am most nights (but get up before 10am). I don’t ‘go out’ in the traditional sense necessarily, but I am not home a great deal - always visiting friends or out riding my bike. So a perpetual student is rather a good fit for me.
I think logistics would be a bigger issue than any stigma. I’ve known a number of people who have gone back to school later in life (me included). But practically speaking, where would we spend time together, especially early on? If finances are so tight that you can’t afford to go out and do stuff much, or at all, then that doesn’t leave much opportunity for us to spend time together and get to know each other. For safety reasons I wouldn’t invite someone new to my place until I got to know him, and hanging out with his parents in the next room could be… awkward.
Hanging out in a coffee shop, concerts, dinner, etc. I’d be cool with, but if finances limit or eliminate those options… then I dunno what. I don’t make enough money to always pick up the entire tab.
So, in principle I have no issues with it, but you’d have to be creative in surmounting the logistical hurdles.
You are (relatively) young, newly single and (I hope for your sake) reasonably attractive. Who cares about dating? You should be banging cocktail waitresses two at a time.
Grad school? Absolutely, assuming you can come up with a reasonably realistic explanation for what you are studying and how you expect grad school to contribute to your career. Indeed, I think graduate school makes a lot more sense mid-career, when you have already laid the foundation for your career, understand exactly why your degree is necessary, and really understand what you need to succeed in your field.
Undergrad? It really depends on the circumstances. It’s not an automatic deal breaker, but I’d probably want to know why you didn’t go to college/complete college earlier and what you were doing for all of those years. Were you too busy touring Japan with your rock group? Fighting leperosy? Running the family hedge fund business? Founding an artist’s colony? Developing a successful startup?
If you were just hanging out, working dead-end jobs and watching the days go by, I’d start to worry that:
- Maybe you are uncommitted, and haven’t been able to sustain interest in anything long enough to make any progress. Being uncommitted is obviously a drawback for people interested in a serious relationship.
- Maybe you have no idea what you want. If it’s taken you twelve years to figure out what to major in, how long is it going to take you to take you to figure out what you want in a relationship?
- Maybe you are avoiding responsibility. Another obvious problem for a serious relationship.
- Maybe you are stuck in an immature mindset (frat boy, wanna-be actor, etc.) which isn’t compatible with my lifestyle.
- Maybe you are just lazy/or and unambitious, which isn’t necessarily a deal breaker, but would need to come with some mitigating standards (I could be open, for example, to someone who dreams of being a stay-at-home dad.)
I have no idea if you are these things are not, but these would be the worries that pop into my head and I’d look for evidence that confirms or contradicts those suspicions. And it’s a little too late for the “I used to be those things but I’ve suddenly reformed” line. I would be comfortable with a few lost years, but by your age I would be looking for someone with a reasonable track record of commitment, focus, responsibility, maturity and ambition. It’s not that you need to be the great provider, but I don’t want to be your mother, counselor, or trial-girlfriend/playing-house-buddy.
Living at home is the same situation. Is it some unusual circumstance, or is it a sign of a deeper issue? I can completely understand returning to your family home to regroup after a divorce, major financial problem, illness or recent return from overseas. But I’d expect this to be a temporary situation, with a plausible and time-limited plan for returning to independence. I would be uncomfortable with it being indefinite, and without a specific goal.
I would be very, very, very uncomfortable if your plan was to move directly from your parent’s house to moving in with me. That would make me suspect that you tend to drift between comfortable situations, rather than actively seeking your path in life.
Again, I don’t know if these things describe you or not. If they do, you might need to think about spin control. If they don’t, think about how you can communicate/demonstrate that.
Many of my friends in law school were in their thirties - I shared a group house with one of them. It’s a non-issue, man, seriously.
Really?
You don’t see a difference between a 30yr old law student, in shared accommodations, and a 30yr old, in Mom’s basement, attending the local community college, who might return to teaching if it doesn’t work out?
You really believe it will be the same ‘non issue’ to potential dates? What colour is the sky on your planet?
This is very different from, for example, my SO’s brother and sister-in-law, who didn’t move out until 40+ and two kids, even though they were making well over six digits and could afford a place of their own. Mitigating circumstances and all that, yo.
Grad school would be fine. GED program, not so much. I don’t even care that much if she lives at at home as long as she doesn’t expect me to go to her parent’s house to see her. I am not really looking for a long-term deal though.
I wouldn’t have a problem dating a 30-year-old student living with his parents. But he would have to stay at my place – I wouldn’t want to meet the parents unless things got serious.
The OP didn’t include the fact that he’d be living with his parents. That was thrown in later. The basic question is just whether someone would date a 30-year-old attending school. I don’t know about nowadays, but when I was in my early 30s and attending grad school, the statistics I saw showed the average grad student was 30 years old. Most of my fellow students were in their 30s and 40s, maybe a couple of them in their 50s even.
All kinds of women date all kinds of guys. 30 doesn’t strike me as particularly “old” unless you are targeting your question towards 18 yr old college freshmen.
I dunno why ever living in parents’ basement is an issue. I think it is pretty private.
(Granted I have only been in houses with no basements in south TX).
Just real stigma in Western world. In Asia, parents/grandparents/children/grandchilden are expected to live in the same residence. Sex would just have to be quiet and private as to be courteous for everyone. (Though changing with Western ideals seeping in.)
ITA 30 doesn’t seem old to go back for another field.
Thanks all,
Yes my direction is still a confusing mess, just like my head. But talking on here helps give me perspective.
I could go back to school in January, but I would have to live with my folks, or I could keep working until August, and likely have enough to live on my own and go to school (around 45K would be saved up).
I still get so jaded with teaching. I am really curious if I would be a good engineer or not. If I tried it and it didn’t work out, I would be glad to return to teaching knowing I at least scratched an itch.
I would really like to thank everyone who answered in my trilogy of threads. This place has always been a great home for me in rough times. 
You guys are awesome!
As an aside, I think anyone that can be an engineer should be one. I am classified as one even though I didn’t school for it. There is a shortage of engineers and the stereotype really should be ‘doctors and engineers’ rather than ‘doctors and lawyers’ because the latter is far from a guarantee these days. Engineers make great, consistent money and are in demand. That super important these days. I am sure you would be an above average engineer at least. Even an average is doing well. Pursue that dream because it is very practical and rewarding for the people that can do it.