Fish - I got a similar impression from the OP myself, so I can see why you’re confused. But it seems like most of the posters afterwards (and I share this opinion) don’t see it in quite the same way. The important thing isn’t that the man necessarily pays for dinner, but that each partner will sometimes pay for the other. I really enjoy being able to pick up the tab for people I care about, whether I’m dating them or they’re friends or family. It’s a way of showing I care. And if I was dating a guy who would never pick up the tab, I think I’d start to wonder about that. My friends and I don’t keep score with these sorts of things - it’s more important that we’re together, and it’ll all balance out eventually. To make the money that important… I don’t know. It’s troubling.
My ex did something similar once. A friend was throwing an end-of-summer barbecue, and as Evil Todd was going back to school, it was a sort of farewell party for him as well. She asked him to help her buy the groceries for said barbecue, and he flat-out refused, as it was “his” party, and then made a big stink about getting paid back for it. He’d been one of us all summer, and as such, got treated to lunch and Chinese food and all the rest of it, never once complaining, and suddenly couldn’t pony up a few bucks for bratwurst without a guarantee of repayment. I bought the barbecue supplies myself and didn’t shed many tears when he was gone.
Thanks, look!ninjas—I think I was pretty close in my interpretation. It’s the symbolism and the signals sent, not the actual money spent.
However, it’s not as if he’s asking her to occasionally pay for him. His behavior might be symbolic of something, but as nearly as I can read it, it’s not symbolic of any hypocrisy. And unless she is paying for the dogs and furniture herself, it sounds as if they are sharing some major expenses. As odd as it may sound, he may have reasons to not share food expenses—reasons other than being a mean, stingy jerk, that is. It makes me wonder what they might be. (I have a tendency to believe people aren’t often jerks on purpose.)
You’re right, it’s not totally about the money. Myself, I have no problem going on a date with a guy and going dutch or hell, even buying. I lived with roomies for 2 years and we shared, lots of hazy alternating of buying pitchers, snagging fries of of each others plates etc etc.
Two things that will shoot up warning signs to me: Either I am the one always covering for him or he is always pays for himself but no more.
See I don’t mind taking turns paying, or going dutch, or covering someone when they’re short. It’s when they won’t do the same for me that starts to make me wonder. Mainly because it’s been my experience that either they are freeloaders, or they aren’t half as involved in the relationship as I am.