I’d basically act out Breaking the Waves. No problem.
Although we have not exchanged any “for better or worse, in sickness and in health” vows, I wouldnt want to leave his side. If he was unable to participate in sex, I’d invest in some toys and masterbate. Because I am a touchy-feely person, I’d get my fix by going to a massage therapist (not sexual, but still releases tension).
I know his kids and family would not abandon him, why should I?
If you look at the brain injury literature, there is a reported divorce rate of 49% within 5-8 years of a spouse’s brain injury, although a more recent study showed 25% rate of divorce and separation at 3-8 years. I tend to think the 50% data is more representative, but that may not generalize to paralysis, which has increased caregiver needs.
In any event, I would imagine most non-marital relationships would crumble pretty fast, and marital relationships would suffer a war of attrition.
Oh, I get it, you mean dump your SO…
(Did they still “stay together”, while not being married?)
I wouldn’t – I made a promise when I married her, and I keep my promises.
The divorce rate among those who aquire spinal cord injuries (either para or quad) is higher than the divorce rate in general, so the answer for most of us should be yes.
The answer for any particular one of us, though, should be “I don’t know.” No one really knows how they will respond to something as different from our own experience as a traumatic spinal cord injury (as opposed to one you are born with).
As far as a pact to kill each other, don’t buy the hemlock yet. Everyone thinks that is what they would want, but very, very few (aside from in the movies) actually chose to die. The will to live is too strong. I have know hundreds of people with SCI, and none of them wanted to die after the shock of it all was over.
Brynda, former SCI psychologist
Of course not.
My husband is not only dearest love and the best person I’ve met; he’s also my best friend. I couldn’t possibly imagine deserting him because of a terrible tragedy.
Dude, seriously. Being a quadriplegic would suck, and being married to one would sure make my life a more complicated, but if you can’t uphold your promises to each other when things get shitty, then what’s the point?
We had a pretty non-traditional wedding, but I’m sure our vows didn’t say “do you promise to stay together when things are peaches and roses, and maybe when things kinda suck, but if something goes horribly awry then all bets are off?”
Like Brynda said, there’s no way to predict what would happen. I imagine it’s possible the surrounding stress and relationship changes cause a lot of long-term couples to break up in the wake of this kind of incapacitation, but I wouldn’t leave him for the fact of being a quadriplegic and I can’t imagine loving him any less because his body functions differently than it did before.
She bought a trailer and they split the parcel of land so that they were no longer “living together as married people”, but they still spend most of their waking hours together. My limited understanding is that divorcing but living in the same home would have opened them up to a fraud case, or at least they thought it would. They are still very much emotionally attached.
Thank you for weighing in on that - you have a perspective the rest of us lack, I’m sure. Our “pact” isn’t quite as cut and dried as I made it seem, but neither of us wants to be a burden, and we’re of a religion that believes death is not the end, so in theory we don’t want to stick around when things are ick with no possibility of betterment. He’s willing to put up with a bit more than I, but for both of us, the biggest point is communication. If we can’t communicate easily, we’re not interested in life. One of our good friends is wheelchair bound with no speech and almost no muscle control (cerebral palsy from a birth “accident”) - she can move her head up and to the side, and she “speaks” by indicating “yes” as someone else recites the alphabet - spelling her words letter by letter. It’s excruciating trying to have a conversation with her, and I just don’t see myself being okay with that. But of course, as long as we can communicate and he can tell me what he wants, I won’t be standing over his head with a pillow and a prayer!
If I was “merely” wheelchair bound but could still speak, or even if I couldn’t speak but could type, I think I’d stick it out a lot longer. Communication is just very important to me (sez the message board junkie!)
Of course I’d stay. Sex would be the least of my concerns.
It’s nice to see how many people would stay. Hopefully, if I ever get married, I’ll feel that way. Or, if I don’t feel that way, I won’t get married.
My husband is a quad, so I guess the short answer is “no”.
I’m married, that means I’m the one person my wife can count on no matter what.
Same. I’d stay. He’s my best friend, and I didn’t marry him for sex. I married him because I love him and enjoy his company. Certainly, as some of you know from my posting history, I have a rather high sex drive. I’ve got batteries. My husband is a person, a human being, who would need someone to love and care for him even more than ever before. That someone would be me, gladly.
That man has actually saved my life on several separate occasions. I couldn’t turn my back on him when he needed me the most. Our vows were in a courthouse, with Mormon witnesses and a lesbian judge; “for better or worse” was among them and we agreed even before saying them: we’ve got each other’s back.
Honestly? I don’t know. I’m single right now so I don’t have an actual situation in which to imagine this happening, and I’d like to say that I’d stay no matter what, come hell or high water, but honestly I cannot say that.
For me, the physical disability is the least of the issues…what would be more importent and therefore pertinent is the psychological change in my partner after such an accident.
IOW, I can handle changing nappies and responding sexually to a disabled spouse, but I really wonder how I would handle a personality change.
Well, my husband already has a spinal injury and while he’s not in a wheelchair there are issues.
I have a cousin who married a quad and raised four children with him, so at least in my family the idea isn’t so alien as it might be to others. Then again, he was a quad when they met, so maybe that’s different.
There’s no denying people in such situations have to deal with problems and stress the rest of us don’t, but it’s not impossible.
You win the thread.
Probably, and I hope she’d do the same. With 2 exceptions. If she became a quad as the result of some accident where she received a huge PI award, well, I might be bought. And I could really dig on all the convenient parking.
But if it were a matter of one of us emotionally and economically dominating the relationship with our health problems, with no end/improvement in sight. No, that’s not what either of us signed up for. Hell, I’m not sure that if I ever got in a position where a loved one had to wipe my ass, if I might not prefer that they help me off myself. I have no desire to be a burden on those I love most.