I could be friends with a woman who made a suicide attempt, but I would most likely not get romantically involved.
For one thing, I’d be worried about whether they could handle a serious commitment. I’ve lost track of the number of people online and IRL who have told me that yes, they’re screwed up right now, but if only they could find the right partner whom they could love more than anything else, their lives would be better. Bullshit. Serious relationships can be really stressful, and loving someone with all your heart just makes it more of an emotional tightrope act, even if you’re perfectly stable.
People need to have their shit together before they get into a serious relationship, or they’re going to be in trouble, and if someone was in a bad enough spot to make a suicide attempt and is still struggling with depression, BPD, or something else . . . Well, I’m no shrink, but I find myself wondering if a serious relationship is really what that person needs. Maybe he or she needs a little time to get straightened out before making that sort of commitment. I certainly wouldn’t need the worry that a girlfriend might decide to make another–perhaps successful–attempt if I tried to break it off. If she’s better, fine, but I’d want to make sure of that before taking things to the next step.
Yikes. FTR, I didn’t mean to say that a mentally ill person is comparable to a puppy, incapable of contributing to a relationship. I just meant that before getting involved with someone who, frankly, is not in a condition to be a real partner, you should maybe examine your motivations.
I’ve known way too many people with serious White Knight or martyr complexes. They look for people who need saving or mothering, and tend to cultivate relationships exclusively with people who’d ‘just be lost without them’. It can result in some truly ugly co-dependence.
So no, I don’t think it’s impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has mental health issues. As long as that’s not WHY you’re in a relationship with them.
olives, you’re clearly a very strong person, and you and your husband have a lovely and admirable relationship. But my experience is that most mentally unhealthy people DON’T have healthy relationships. It’s sort of a hallmark of the condition.
It depends, A person who attempted suicide is a person that needs Love, the question is if you are the person that can provide it in a healing way, and is this person ready to receive it in a healing way, and if a close relationship is the way that this person needs to receive it.
Done wrong and it can leave you both worse off, done right and it can make a big positive difference in both of your lives, and with various degrees in between, including this person being helped at your expense, or even you benefiting from inflicting further hurt on this person.
I know, and I understand the point you’re trying to make (and thanks for the nice compliment.) I’m aware of the White Knight complex because I sort of had it at one point myself (not in my current relationship.) And I’d be lying to say there wasn’t some ugly co-dependence in the beginning of our relationship… not that we intended or wanted it to be that way, but when one person is not operating at full functional capacity, it does happen. Getting out of that was a rather painstaking process and required undoing of a lot of bad habits.
I just know that one hallmark of depression is a feeling of hopelessness, the sense that things are never going to get better. And people who are depressed are the most likely to feel that they are a burden rather than a contribution to their relationship. I felt that way for a long time in my own relationship. But I was proven wrong on both accounts.
As for the tenacity of mental illness that jsgoddess refers to, yes, it can be tenacious. But people can learn to cope with it even if it never fully goes away. Myself, I just got over a three-week period of really painful depression. There were days I just cried because it was physically painful to be that depressed. Mornings (I’m talking as recently as last week) where the first words on my mind when I woke up were, ‘‘I want to die.’’ But instead of dealing with it by ruminating on suicide or thinking about self-injury (which is something I might have done in the past), I dealt with it by getting out of the house, getting stuff done and doing things that I enjoy. It finally broke when, in therapy, we began to examine the dysfunctional thoughts that were perpetuating it. So it’s not like I live my life depression-free. It’s just that these periods are fewer and farther between and I’ve learned not to let them screw up my life.
I truly believe those are skills practically anyone with depression can learn. Even if we can’t ever make it go away completely, we can learn to approach it and deal with it differently. So yes, I think there’s hope for everyone.
I attempted suicide about two months before meeting my now wife online. We talked for a couple of months and decided to meet. I bought her a plane ticket, but I told her about the attempt before she visited just in case it was a deal breaker for her. She simply asked if I would do it again, and I could honestly tell her no. Indeed within hours of the attempt, I regretted it. (acutely aware that all of my issues could be solved). I’ve been on depression meds about 15 years, and during this period I was monkeying around with them–which I think was the underlying cause.
I’m soo glad my wonderful wife judged me on how I acted with her and not that. We’re happy as can be now.
If it had been at least a year (or so) and they’d gotten help I might. It would depend on the situation.
I worked with a doctor for about 3 years who had tried to kill himself at age 40. What he did should have done the trick, but it didn’t. Lots of people are sincerely trying and fail If you work in an emergency room in Vegas for awhile you’ll see quite a few suicide attempts.
People change and grow (at least the interesting ones do) and circumstances change for them. It wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me and I’m not a fan of drama.
Yah - I know a man who blew half his face (lower jaw, one cheek bone, eye socket, etc) off with a shotgun in an attempt to end it all.
Interestingly, he’s one of the happiest, most upbeat people you could meet. I believe his logic is that when you put a shotgun under your chin, and pull the trigger and DON’T die it means the universe just really isn’t ready for you yet, and maybe things aren’t quite as bad as they seem.
I can’t say that I know what he means, because I’ve never been at the shotgun-under-the-chin place, but I appreciate his point.