I’m not someone with a deep philosophical aversion to suicide. I’ve had a startling large number of suicides among people I know including a cousin, a coworker, and an ex boyfriend. In short, it’s not something I consider indefensible. I think it can be the right choice for some people in some circumstances.
But I don’t want to be in a romantic relationship with someone who has made a suicide attempt, at least any time within the past, say, decade. If they tried when they were 16 and they are now 40 it might not be a dealbreaker, but if they tried last year, or last week, or last night? I wouldn’t do it.
I will admit that I have a shameful eyerolly reaction to suicide attempts rather than suicide success, as well. I don’t claim it’s fair, but if it feels more like a cry for attention than a genuine attempt to be dead, my reaction isn’t kind.
In any case, the suicide attempt marks the person as someone with issues beyond those I’m willing to deal with in a romance. Is this an odd or unfair attitude, or is it pretty mainstream and reasonable? What are your thoughts?
Coming from a point of view of a suicide attemptee (Is that a real word?), I’d disagree with the “no romance for suicide attemptee’s of the past decade”. A year or two would do, providing that they’ve gotten their life together/resolved their issues/grew out of it.
Yes, attempted suicide’s most often cry for attention. It can also be the seemingly only way out of an excruciatingly painful or otherwise unbearable situation.
I honestly think there isn’t much difference on the ‘‘tragedy scale’’ between someone who would deliberately injure themselves out of a need for people to show they care and someone who just wants to be dead. I also think the line can be quite blurred. When people are at their most depressed, they need attention and love and support. It’s perfectly possible for a part of you to want to be dead and another part of you to want to live and just get the help you need. And it’s possible for you to want to be more dead in one second and want to be more rescued the next. Whichever way one falls on the spectrum, the suffering is enormous.
Also, I’m beginning to really believe that even people who successfully attempt suicide really didn’t want to die–they just wanted the pain to end. I remember reading an account of a man who deliberately jumped off a major city bridge (and survived!) He said something like, ‘‘As I was plummeting to my death, I became acutely aware that every wrong thing in my life was completely fixable–except the fact that I had just jumped off a bridge.’’
Incidentally, the idea that people who frequently attempt suicide are less likely to succeed is a myth. The chances of someone successfully killing themselves increases substantially the more often they unsuccessfully attempt. People often point to BPD sufferers as the ultimate example of ‘‘cries for attention’’ but BPD sufferers actually have one the highest successful suicide rates out of all the mental disorders.
Knowing what I know about how treatable depression is, past suicide attempts would not be a dealbreaker for me. Repeated attempts might be, if they were recent, because that is just an exhausting and painful way to live. But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with drawing your own boundaries on this one. After all, you’re the one who would have to live with the relationship.
I did it. I became romantically involved with someone six months after her suicide attempt, although I had been romantically interested in her before the attempt, and had had no idea she’d had such issues with depression beforehand.
She was, I think, 19 at the time. I knew she had been dealing with some very difficult circumstances in her personal life, and while I thought the reaction was extreme, I could kind of understand why she was feeling very stressed and unhappy. It was my opinion by the time we became involved that her personal circumstances had changed to the extent that she would no longer feel that kind of depression and hopelessness again.
It’s difficult to answer without bias whether I would go the same route if I had it to do over again. The relationship did not end well, but it’s very difficult for me to parse out how much of that is related to the depression issues she was dealing with. I do think that, as others drifted from her and I continued to be such a close friend, she may ultimately have hooked up with me romantically at least in part because of what she had gone through. She never could explain to me exactly what had changed in her to decide to want to be romantically involved with me after spending nearly a year of wanting to be nothing but friends. If I were doing it over, I’d want to be as sure as possible that our relationship was about us as a couple, and not because I was a rescuer for her.
I’m friends with a hot devoted Christian lady who apparently had a bad turn a couple years ago & attempted it, and came to faith during her recovery. I did not know her then.
She is lovely, now loves life & is a dynamo of activity. If I didn’t think I’d be a drag on her & she was interested- I’d be there in a second!
It’s hard to talk about hypotheticals, but I am awfully spoiled being married to a man who is an emotional rock. In fact, I am much better at being supportive of my friends who live dramatic lives because I can go home to a place where, frankly, my emotions can swing all over the place and he remains stable. I would not want to have to be the emotionally stable one in a relationship, and I suspect that people who have attempted suicide in the last few years would be less likely to provide the sort of extraordinary stability I have come to expect.
I think the problem would be not knowing there was an attempt at the beginning of the relationship. I’d absolutely look down upon them after finding out, and lose a lot of respect.
If they told me very early in the relationship (like 1st few times meeting them) I’d never talk to them again. I have my life together, you don’t, get out of my way. Doesn’t matter how long ago it was. If you had changed significantly since then (like 10 years ago) then why are you telling this to me now?
I second this. I don’t really understand your point, steadierfooting. Your first sentence implies that you’d be bothered simply by not knowing early on. But then you go on to say that finding out early on would mean you didn’t want to talk to the person ever again.
If you were on a dating site and someone had in their profile that they had attempted suicide years ago, would that make it OK? Or are you saying that if it was long ago in their past, that you’d prefer to just not know at all?
I have to agree with Manda JO- I need a man who is emotionally stable. There are just too many good men out there who haven’t attempted suicide. But then, as Sailboat implies, wealthy (and good looking) helps to balance out a lot.
I’ve never been that depressed. I fully acknowledge a good portion of this is just due to natural biology and chemistry - I just don’t get that depressed. Sometimes, a little, but it’s always checked after a sunny day.
How could I ever understand? Be there for them? Sympathize? I could never “get it”. I would not be good for them and they would not be good for me.
Not if it was recent history. I’m not the most emotionally stable person myself, it takes effort to keep myself emotionally healthy. And I know that depressed people often lean on people a LOT. I could provide that at this point to my kids, or to my husband of fifteen years, or to my sisters - those people I have an emotional investment in - I’m not going to risk my own mental health for a new relationship.
The fact that they (hypothetically) told you very early in the relationship kind of implies that they don’t have their life straightened out yet, anyway. If they’re dwelling on it.
So totally agree there. Maybe once you’ve been together for a few years and it’s ‘dirty secret spill-time’…
