So we have Sam and Alex, two arbitrarily gendered and oriented people. Sam and Alex are somewhere in that level between “acquaintance” and “friend”. They have fun together, but it’s generally in mixed groups. They’re not liable to call each other up and chat, or intentionally go to places together, but when they happen to be in the same company, they definitely get along.
Alex isn’t unattracted to Sam, and in fact may have entertained the idea dating Sam once or twice in the past. However, for whatever reason – both single at the wrong time, Alex is just shy, too busy for dating, whatever – Alex never asked Sam out, but in most cases would say “yes” if Sam asked Alex out.
One day, an unfortunate tragedy strikes Sam and Alex finds out. Maybe Sam’s hometown was nuked and everybody they know is possibly dead, maybe Alex found out Sam got assaulted or Sam’s home burned down. Alex, out of friendly concern (and no ulterior motives) immediately calls up Sam and makes sure Sam is okay. Alex comforts Sam and offers to be there whenever they need it, even stopping by a few times to check up on Sam, and coming over immediately when Sam called Alex and requested help.
After a few days, Sam says to Alex, “You know, you’re really there for me. We’ve been friends for a while, and you’re really sweet. Do you want to maybe try a relationship?” (Or something less stilted and awkward. Shut up, I can’t write romance).
What should Alex do?
On one hand, this may seem unambiguous, just go for it and see what happens. But this seems like a complicated scenario to me, probably because I overthink everything.
I don’t want to say if Alex went for it, that Alex would be ethically in the wrong, however, to me it feels kind of… weird. If I were in Alex’s position, rationally or not I’d feel kind of like I’m taking advantage of Sam’s duress. Sure Sam is the one who made the move, but Sam is on emotionally shaky ground, and may just be reaching out to find comfort. In a way, I’d almost be worried that in a month or two when Sam stabilized, they’d go “oh… never mind, I was just temporarily emotionally fucked up. You’re nice, really, and I like you as a friend – but that whole ‘dating’ thing was kind of a fluke due to stress, sorry.”
It would raise a lot of flags, for me. After all, the relationship in large part would start off based on the “being there for them” part. Sure, all relationships have that as a component, but what happens in 6 months when Alex is on vacation and can’t drop everything and come back when Sam’s cat died. Just generally, there is going to be some time where something happens to Sam and Alex can’t be all over it helping Sam out.
Sam may, logically, know that it’s silly to expect Alex to be emotionally and physically available every second, but at some level there’s a disconnect between what you know and what you feel. It’s just kind of a let down when you find out Batman has to brush his teeth and use the toilet like everyone else.
I’ll grant that all of these things are potential problems in any and every relationship. There’s always a chance that they’ll realize they didn’t really want to date you in a month, or that stage after the honeymoon period where you have to emotionally (as opposed to logically) come to terms with the fact that they’re a human with flaws, bad habits, and bodily functions like everyone else. I just feel like it’s somehow exacerbated by the stress and emotional high stakes of the scenario where the relationship started.
Overall, I wouldn’t say “Alex shouldn’t”, but I might qualify it with “If Alex does, Alex should be careful.”
Or maybe I’m way overthinking this. That’s always possible.