Note-this isn’t a pity post, but I don’t know WHAT to do about this.
Most of you are probably aware that I don’t have much experience when it comes to the opposite sex. Okay-guess what? I’ve never had a boyfriend.
Yes, I’m 25.
And you know, I’ve had crushes on guys all my life, and gotten interested-and nothing every comes of it.
And the problem is, though, when it looks like something might happen, one of two things has happened:
a. He wasn’t interested
or
b. I got scared and ran.
Seriously. It’s like, I want to date, but whenever there’s a chance that’s it’s a “more than friends” thing, I freak out. I get really, really scared. I feel vulnerable. I feel like I’m not in control, and I don’t like that. I don’t feel safe, and I want to run and hide under my bed. And then later, I end up really, really regretting it.
Sounds like you have a negative reaction to the ‘butterflies in your stomach’ feeling you get when getting to know someone you may be romantically interested in. I had the same problem. What worked for me was to just be friends with guys for a while. Eventually, I started dating a friend. It was really a comfortable way to slip into a relationship for me, without getting as much of the scary jitteries as I would dating people I wasn’t already good friends with.
You can’t change things when situation a. happens, but you can change situation b. I’m sure more Dopers will be along in a minute with some better advice about how to deal with b. At any rate, you’re completely right about what it’s like when it gets to be ‘more than friends.’ It makes you vulnerable, and you can’t totally control it. I think you just have to look upon it as something with many positive possibilities, and less as something scary.
Well, your first problem is probably self-esteem issues. I’ve seen some other posts of yours and you almost never have anything flattering to say about yourself - which is odd since just about every poster who’s seen you says you are quite an attractive young lady.
Anyway, the best way to get over it is to just jump into it like cold water. That’s what I did. It hasn’t always worked out as I’d liked, but I don’t feel shy around females anymore.
OK, that’s a lie. I still don’t have the balls to walk up to a girl and break the ice myself, but I can be pretty good once someone else does the hard stuff.
I’ve found the best way to get past those jitters is to just be confident with yourself. To trust yourself to make decisions like dating someone and to know that you can get back out of dating someone if it doesn’t work out.
There’s no harm in dating someone, having them be your boyfriend then finding out later they’re just not right. Sure, it can break your heart, but maybe it won’t. You might not break up, he might be perfect for you. You need to just let yourself know that getting into a relationship isn’t like going to jail. There’s no minimum sentence.
Also, try to think of a relationship as something not much more than a normal friendship. Thinking of it as something extremely important, or something that will be life altering is what gets people into so much trouble. I’m sure everyone knows someone who thinks being in a relationship is more important than actually being happy. I don’t think you’re like that at all, but if you place the same kind of importance to the idea of a boyfriend, it can make it very scary to say yes when someone asks you out.
Of course, I’m a random lurker who is now single after a nasty relationship, so my advice may not be all that helpful. But, I’m from the same area as you, so if you’re looking for places to meet people, let me know what you’re interested in and I can see what I can find. Meeting boys is the first step to dating them.
As a side note, I registered a month before Guin and am currently 15,477 posts behind her. I believe that gets me the award of second best lurker ever.
If you regret your actions, don’t react the way you have.
You can choose to run or not. Scared is understandable to me, but repeating an action you regret is not getting you what you want. My therapist said when the pain overcomes the fear, you change your behaviors.
You’re going to hurt—don’t fear the hurt so much that you never stop running.
From your posts I’ve read in past threads, you’re smart and fun and make good arguments. You express yourself well, so express yourself IRL—say to your potential that you feel vulnerable—you’re not handing over weapons for him to use against you, you’re stating a truth that you already know. Maybe it’ll be harder to run away from someone who understands your feelings.
It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You can date someone, be interested in them as more than a friend, and not be head over heels in love. That may or may not come later.
Take baby steps. If you like someone and you’re seeing each other, continue to do so. Don’t make him your boyfriend, just someone you’re having fun seeing.
Dating someone regularly may mean nothing more than you’re attracted to each other and you have fun together. It doesn’t mean a lifetime commitment–it doesn’t neccessarily mean a broken heart either. Sometimes you date for a while, and then it slowly burns out and you drift apart.
When you do eventually fall in love and find yourself being serious about someone, there won’t be a whole lot you can do to stop yourself. Oh sure, you’ll get scared (everyone does), but you’ll want to work through it.
IMO there’s nothing wrong with you Guin, just the choices you’re making about how you spend your time. You’re a nice girl, but you’re spending far too much of your precious youth in front of your PC on the SDMB and all the other places you frequent. You need to get out more and socialize IRL. Push yourself away from the monitor and join the YMCA or a threatre group or something related if you want to make real live relationship connections.
It sounds like your inhibition against risk taking is being allowed to function as gatekeeper for your entire personal life. Bad move there, Guin.
Old Greek saying: “Man, like the tortise, makes no progress unless he sticks his neck out.”
If you like to dance, look into Contra Dancing. The very first time you go, you’ll spend your evening in the arms of thirty different men. Sounds like a solution to all of your problems at once, Guin.
I have been several times and it’s really good fun. It is exhilarating and an excellent form of aerobic exercise as well. The people are all nice as can be and the dress is casual. Think of a cross between square dance, line dancing and old fashioned jigs and reels. The calls are simple and all good callers walk you thought the entire sequence prior to revving up the actual dance itself. Most any organization will provide a tutoring course before the dance begins. Now get out there and start living!!!
Look at the successful relationships started here on the Dope. You can really get to know someone because they don’t just talk to you, they interact with the community, and you can see how compatible they would be by how they interact.
Many Dopers would be glad to meet up with you at DopeFests and private parties. Frankly, your life is spread across these boards for all to see, and I’m sure that there are many that admire you and could be the potential companion you want.
I was shy as a teen, but I got over it- two marriages later, I’m grateful that things worked out for me and I found the woman I will grow old with. You can be happy too.
Guin, I have had (and still do have) the same problem as you, not to the same degree, but I completely understand where you’re coming from. There’s been a number of exceedingly lovely women who’ve been interested in me that I’ve ran from. You just simply have to decide to let yourself go and take the pain (if it ever comes).
If things go bad, and it all turns to shit, remember, we’re all here for you. Hell, I’m living proof of that.
Guin, you’ve already got some replies that make reference to self-esteem, or presenting oneself with confidence, etc., that, I think, miss the mark by a little bit, although they’re on the right track.
While I’ve spent more than half of my adult life in relationships with four women, I’ve also spent a bit less than half single (said adult life spanning a greater bit of history than you, at 25, have lived through). About half of that single time was spent dating like a mad fool, while the rest has been spent on my own not trying to find a mate.
Part of your OP resonated with me:
Although I haven’t felt like that, exactly, in a bit, it does make me think of what I recognize in my own periods where I, frankly, don’t want a mate. When I know I’m still figuring out part of myself, I find it hard to be willing to engage a relationship, especially when it seems it can escalate rapidly towards the life partner mode. So, while I’ve lived through parts of my life where I felt pretty much “full steam ahead” and dated or mated up, when I’m reevaluating and reinventing myself, I prefer not to cloud my choices.
I’ve known plenty of apparently confident people with decent self-esteem who seemed to approach the mating game with the perspective that, although they had no real plans of their own, they were pretty sure they were going to bag a decent captain, and go along on a good ride.
I’m not like that, and I don’t think you are, Guin. My impression is that you’d want to exert more control over your own life, and that you’re still struggling with just exactly whom you’d like to be. If I’m correct (and please, feel free to assail my overbearing analysis, should that be called for), then you might consider my moratorium approach - during times when I know I’m reformulating my life, I don’t date - partly because I don’t want to be herded into something that I don’t know if I’m comfortable with or not, and partly because I don’t feel like it’s truthful to be advertising something that I know is not available at the moment.
Having no doubt that something good will shake out when I once again engage The Game probably makes it easier for me to take this approach than it is for you at a relatively inexperienced stage.
Well, dammit Guin dear, I do like you - trust me on this. Spend your time getting right with your vision of yourself, and the rest just comes along.
I really do think the issues of being shy or how do I meet people are red herrings.
Sorry, Blalron, but I think she’s, like, on the other side of the country.
Can you put your finger on what exactly it is you get scared about? Are you scared to get to know people, fearing they’re not as good as you think they are? Are you afraid to let someone get to know you, fearing they’ll not like you? Is the idea of dating, of being in a relationship, scary to you?
All are understandable fears, and pretty much everybody has felt similar fears. The reason I bring it up is that I think it’s helpful to specifically identify your fears. You can then think up ways to counter them, and when the opportunity comes again, you can talk yourself out of letting those fears undo you. Knowing that you’ve let them get the better of you in the past, and knowing that you’ve regretted letting that happen, might be helpful as well.
Not being in control… gosh, I mean, relationships can be like that. They yank you up fast and you either have to hang on and try to enjoy the ride, or let go and lose it. It can be fun, and it can be scary. But the way I see it, not having control is part of romance and relationships. People don’t consciously decide to fall in love, or will themselves into relationships. People don’t decide to be compatible. You don’t have control over everything. Some things just happen, or they don’t. And while I think it’s best to not do anything until you feel good and comfortable with someone, I don’t think it’s good to sit around and hope that that person will come along to take care of your relationship needs. At some point you’ll need to come out of your shell and take a chance on someone.
Guin, it sounds like I’m exactly like you in this regard. (I’m even the same age.)
I haven’t the slightest idea how to get over what ever it is that makes me act like a wild rabbit and flee from anyone who gets too close, but I do know that working on my Issues is a big step in the right direction. Looks like there is a lot of good advice in this thread – I’ll be reading it very carefully.
That’s me as well. Often, I find the anxiety at the beginning of a relationship too much to bear, so I bail out. Interestingly, I’ve also been diagnosed with OCD. The solution? You have to force yourself to endure the early jitters because it does get better once you start feeling more comfortable around the person. Good luck.
It’s more that I’m vulnerable-I have to take a risk. I might get hurt, it’s scary, it’s the UNKNOWN.
I get like that with a lot of things-like job interviews, new schools, etc. The Unknown scares me.
If I could just get over the awkward, where is this leading, is it right or not part, I’d be fine. In fact, if I could wake up tomorrow, with all that taken care of, I’d take the plunge.
That’s part of being obsessive compulsive, maybe.
Right now, the biggest problem of getting out is MONEY. I have no money. And a hard time finding a job.
(Oh, and I’m only on now for a bit this morning).
