Am I the Only one who does this when it comes to relationships?

In My Humble Opinion
21

I am very afriad of uncertainty as well. Though when it comes to trying to get in a relationship, I try to have the mentality that if it doesn’t work out, its not a huge loss for me. That way I don’t have a lot of anxiety initially. This has helped me through some bad situations- I’m still bitter about them but I wasn’t paranoid or excessively upset over the results.

Its very frustrating when all the people you ever dated turned out to be crazy. Things like that DO lower your self-esteem, make you think “I must only be attractive to crazy people”. I seem to carry an aura that makes me repulsive to sane people. I don’t know what it is, after all, I like working with kids, have a car have two jobs, and am finishing school. People are startled at the fact that I’m single.

22

**Guin, ** we all do what you are doing, only most of us do it to a lesser extent. Many people who know me personally don’t believe it (and I’m sure nobody who’s read my posts here will believe it), but in some ways I’m horribly shy. If you meet me in a one-on-one or small group situation, you won’t notice my shyness. But if you stick me in a room where I don’t know anyone, I’ll freeze up and stand in the corner all night, not talking to anyone unless they approach me first. I’ve always been this way, and part of it is probably related to self-esteem issues, so I really have to try hard to overcome it.

I have always envied people who know how to schmooze and work a room. (An ex-boyfriend was one, even though he was terribly shy in other situations. In fact, it’s a wonder we ever hooked up at all.) So although I’ve had some serious and long-term relationships, most of them have been in the “friends first” category. (The aforementioned ex was originally a co-worker, then a friend, and well, it took more than a year to morph into a dating-type relationship, but once it did we were a serious item for almost 3 years. We aren’t together anymore, but I certainly have no regrets about the relationship, and we parted on good terms when I left for grad school.)

You have friends, right? Well, maybe one way to expand your circle is to explore the fringe of your circle of acquaintances. Don’t worry so much about what category your friendships fit into; enjoy each other’s company, and things will develop however they were meant to develop. Friendships will get you out of the house more, and for low-cost or no-cost activities. Go hang out, play cards or a board game, catch a free concert in the park, take a walk or a bike ride, play sports…all these things will develop your comfort level, your friendships, and your self-confidence.

Of course, this advice may be worth exactly what you are paying for it: after all these relationships, I’ve been completely single for more than a year and am currently trying to learn, at the age of 34, how to do the “normal” dating thing. It sucks, but I’m hoping the payoff will be worth it. Good luck, and check in if you need support!

23

Step away from the boards!!!

Get involved in activities where you can meet others. There are single groups with churchs, ballroom dancing, excercise classes, boating, bowling, archery. Get involved in one of these clubs and become “friends” with guys. Let things happen naturally and don’t put so much pressure on yourself. Its not like you have to marry the guy. BREATHE!!!

Good luck

24

Stop feeling that you always have to be in control, and stop feeling that you always have to be safe.

Something tells me that you never pursue risky endeavors at all, yes? You probably don’t drink or go skydiving, right? That you have very little “excitement” in your life? The world is scary and dangerous and exciting. If you can learn to accept that, try new things, and not worry so much about being in control, you’ll have a lot more fun, and be better able to adapt to your relationship situations. Dangerous is good, 'kay?

I used to think the same way you did, but I needed to get over it, and I did. My life is much, much better now. :slight_smile:

25

Just curious:

  1. How many hours per week do spend job hunting?
  2. How many hours per week do spend online?
26

Something tells me that this is the answer. Much easier said than done, though.

27

Guin is this just nervousness, or do you find you are really scared in situation b. Do you find you feel like no relationship could possibly work because the idea is so scary that you will be tongue tied and make a fool of yourself?
I ask because this is how I feel, and it gets called social phobia by my psychiatrist. It is linked closely with depression (from which I also suffer).
Also maybe if you could move to a nearer galaxy, that might help :slight_smile:

28

Back when I was in therapy, my shrink told me that the physical symptoms of fear are nearly identical to those of excitement. If you always run when you get those symptoms, you’ll never get any excitement.

29

[Giles, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer]
Oh my goodness. Guin is behaving like a normal Human being. I guess we’re going to have to kill her.
[/Giles]

Does it help any, Guin, to know that what you’re feeling can be normal, and you’re not the first person in history to be risk-averse? Some people strongly avoid risks.

I suggest you work on your risk tolerance a bit. Zenster’s suggestion of taking up Contra dancing has merit; it would expose you to a little bit of risk (social interaction with the other sex) in a relaxed setting.

Money helps, too. Find some local friends and ask them to help you get a job. I hate to suggest the trite “get any kind of job” advice, but you do need to do something to earn money. Preferably something that gets you away from the net for several hours a day.

30

Okay

-Crafter Man-try job searching ONLINE. I scour the want ads constantly.

But there’s not much there that isn’t retail.

It’s more of a nervousness thing, I guess. I’m not afraid of people-once I can relax, I’m fine. I just get jitters.

And like I said, when I DID overcome it, it didn’t work out. (One guy in 8th grade asked me out-I said yes-and it turned out to be a joke-that was probably the worst).

Hell no, I’m not afraid of excitement-but it’s MY kind of excitement. I don’t drink because I’m on meds and I can’t.

My idea of excitement is going around and searching through downtown Pittsburgh, exploring places. Not thrill type stunts or whatever.

BTW-this is NOT a topic about my time online, or my job search. Actually, I’ve been trying to cut back on my time online, and read more. I’ve been looking for jobs, but it’s slim pickins’.

31

At 15597 posts in almost exactly three years, that breaks down to 14.25 posts per calendar day. Wow. I’m an underachiever.

32

Guin, here is a link to the Pittsburgh area contra dances. I don’t give a rip if I have to send you the door fee myself, but drag your sorry butt out there and get your feet moving. I promise that you’ll have more fun than you could ever imagine. The dance hall is located in the Swisshelm Park Community Center at 1050 Windermere Drive in Swisshelm Park. The next dance is TOMORROW and the admission is only $7.[sup]00[/sup]! There is another event the next week. I will refund you the admission price if you fail to have a good time. A teenager that I mentor went with me one time and he had an absolute blast. This is one of the most fun and easy ways to meet quality people that I have ever seen.

You have no excuses, go with a friend if you’re too worried about going alone. You will meet a lot of nice folks and hear some really cool live music. Did I mention that all contra dances feature a live band? Some of the performers I’ve seen at the dances were worth the price of admission alone. You are out of your mind if you don’t give this a try.

33

My friend an I are looking for somewhere to go Swing dancing in Pittsburgh at the moment. I know there were a few places that would have a 3 hour dance for about 5$, and if you came a half hour early, you’d get a dance lesson for free. When I did it a few years ago, it was a lot of fun.

Once I find a decent one, I’ll let you know where it is, as the atmosphere at the places I went was very relaxed. Anyone would generally dance with anyone else, I never saw anyone not say “yes” when asked to dance and almost everyone there is going to try to learn how to dance, not to score with chicks, so you don’t have too many dance floor scaries to contend with.

As a side note, is there an official term for dance floor scaries? You know, those guys that just stare at a girl’s body and just walk up and try to dance with them, with no care on whether they want to dance or not.

34

I personally don’t agree with all the advice give heretofore.

Sorry if the following comes off as being “bumpersticker advice”

  1. Practice putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. If a guy you’re interested in shows no interest it will be much easier to accept if you just imagine the roles were reversed.

  2. Don’t treat dating, relationships, sex or even love as some unattainable apex. Don’t set goals, don’t go in with a plan. Just treat the relationships as you would any other aspect of your life.

a. Dating should be as easy as putting on your underwear - It’s just two people going out together.

b. Sex should be as matter-of-fact as masturbating - It’s just to people sharing pleasure with their minds.

c. Falling in love is no harder than putting together a jigsaw puzzle. Ones the first few pieces are fit together, everything starts falling into place.

  1. We all have our own human insecurities. Just as you have yours, he has his. Part of overcoming is being able to realize the other party has them too.

Good luck…don’t sweat - accept it.

35

Not to get too much farther off of the main subject, but I notice that there are a good number of Pittsburgh citizens and natives on these boards. Obviously that is a testament to how intelligent us Three Rivers folks are.

How often, and where, do these DopeFests take place?

36

Guin, I forgot to ask something in my last post. This has been going on for a long time, but why did it flare up now? Is there someone specific that you are alluding to?

37

Just checking in for a bit before I go to bed. No, there’s no one in particular, it was the “How many feel they will always be single” thread that inspired this.

Contra dancing sounds like fun-swing dancing is what I had in mind, though.

If anyone in the area is interested, maybe we could form a group or a get-together?

(If worst comes to worst, I can take my sister’s job at Salvation Army when she goes to school, but that’s not what I have in mind-I need a job that’s not another Kmart type place. I can’t just get “any job”, as remember how long it was before I finally quit Kmart?)

Thanks, guys. I’ll look into it. (Transportation is another worry-ACK!)

:wink:

(Thanks for the kick in the butt to get moving, too).

38

Guin, I am rather surprised that shyness is a problem for you. I have noticed how unusually perceptive and well-spoken you are. You certainly have come across to me as being very centered and self-confident. But I take you at your word.

I can identify with what you are going through. I was so shy in college that I preferred to eat all of my meals alone in a restaurant than to go to the student center.

The best thing that I ever did for my self-confidence was to go to Europe on my own. That does take money but it is well worth saving for. In the meantime, you can the process of making plans. Just don’t overplan. Leave room for changing your mind and taking the road less travelled.

Begin to do some of the little things that frighten you – even if it is to drive in unfamiliar territory and yet yourself thoroughly lost. Or volunteer at the zoo. Or find a different place to live – anything that you can think of that is a change for you.

Because of clinical depression, I had to stop teaching fourteen years ago. I have cut myself off more and more from the outside world. It’s so much easier to relate to friends at SDMB! I’ve decided that I need to do something that is a little intimidating. So I’m going back to Europe on my own. I haven’t been in thirty years. I too am afraid. I’m afraid of leaving my husband for that long; I’m afraid of flying; I’m afraid of all the little unknowns that might be problems. But I do know that feeling afraid and doing it anyway gets that old adrenalin pumping again.

I did not marry until I was thirty and I am glad now that I had that time to become independent and to explore myself and learn to rely on myself. I met my second husband when I was forty-one. Marrying him was the scariest thing that I ever did! (We had met over our computers.) It’s been a wonderful marriage for seventeen years now.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Try to relax in your relationships and have a good time. Surround yourself with as many friends as you can and learn to plan little challenges for yourself.

Given who you are, I expect some really good things to happen. Sometimes you just have to push yourself a little. Develop a good relationship with yourself first.

You are going to be just fine!

39

My honest-to-God solution was this when I had that problem:

Step 1: I had a good friend hit me really hard in the solar plexus. I couldn’t breathe for around a minute and made him promise to do it again but harder if I backed down from this girl I really really liked (btw, I don’t enjoy the pain, really. It’s just a good motivator when something big is on the line but there isn’t necessarily any conceivable loss at stake. Even though you lose the potential relationship when you back down, it’s so much easier to go and do it when you think it’s a few moments of potential embarassment or a great deal of ouchiness).

Step 2: If you’re like me, where the biggest fear was rejection and having it follow you around for a while, get yourself in the “if they don’t want me, they can go screw a goat” mentality. Or, if it works better for you, just figure that they’re not good enough for you, not the other way around (confidence, really)

Step 3: Don’t dive right in. Interact, and be prepared to ask them at the first oppurtunity, but wait for an appropriate window. Don’t wait too long for an ideal oppurtunity, or you’ll choke when it comes along. Just wait for an appropriate conversation topic (or a slow contra dance! I have no clue what contra is, but there’s gotta be some kinna slow walk!)

Step 4: If you should be dumped after 2 1/2 days like I did when I first tried this please tell me so I know my method is faulty and can devise a new one.

40

I didn’t read the followups yet, but … are you afraid of the pain that often comes with ending a relationship? The crashing low that comes after the high of romance?