My wife and I are having a … uh, discussion … about listening to phone conversations. She says that if the phone rings in our house and I answer it, she’s justified in picking up the phone and listening to the conversation. I say that’s wrong. She says it’s just human nature. I say I must not be human, because I wouldn’t do it.
Background: Saturday morning an old friend of mine calls the house. She happens to be female. I talk with her for about 10 minutes, catching up, and then hang up. My wife asks me who was on the phone, and I tell her. She finds it suspicious that an old friend would call me out of the blue. Finally, she says she listened in on the conversation from the upstairs extension. She initially picked up the phone to see if I was still on it, and when she didn’t recognize the female voice she listened in.
She’s wrong. On two counts. The first being that it’s unethical to eavesdrop, and the second being that listening in on your conversation just because it’s a woman on the other end sounds like she doesn’t trust you.
Of COURSE she’s wrong. Being married to her doesn’t mean abrogating your right to privacy. She’s a snoop, and claiming that it’s “human nature” wouldn’t excuse it even if it were true that it’s human nature to eavesdrop on your spouse, which it isn’t.
I have a similar problem with Mrs. Chef opening mail that’s addressed to me. Usually the mail in question is no big deal, but at least once it ruined something I wanted to surprise her with.
The worst part is that if you make too big a stink about an invasion of privacy like this, it looks like you have something to hide. You really can’t win here.
Time to have a talk with Ms. Sauron about trust and boundaries.
If she thinks it’s okay to listen in on your phone calls, what else is she doing? Reading files on your hard drive? Going through your wallet? Ask about this, in a non-confrontational way, if possible.
What are the boundaries that Ms. Sauron wants you respect? Does she approve of you flipping through her checkbook or sifting through her underwear drawer? How would she feel if she was having a private conversation with a friend or a family memeber, and she discovered that you were crouching behind a potted plant, listening in on the whole thing?
Discuss what boundaries you would each like to have. Hopefully, by reminding Ms. Sauron that you respect her privacy, you’ll make her realize how precious it is to be able to trust you, and she will want to restore your trust in her. (Do not willfully violate her privacy in retaliation. This will only further damage your ability to trust each other.)
If she will not agree to refrain from eavesdropping, then you must recognize that this is a boundary she will not respect. If you are on the phone and she is home and out of your line of sight, assume that she is listening in, and tailor your conversations accordingly. If you are having a conversation that you are not comfortable with her hearing, then say, “I’m sorry, I’ll have to call you back another time.” (Do not explain the situation to the caller. This is between you and your wife.) Call them back when Ms. Sauron is not home, or call from another line (your cell phone, a phone at work, etc.). If she’s going through you computer, and that’s not okay with you, password-protect your files. Et cetera.
Explain to her this strategy to her, and make it clear that this is the consequence of her inability resist her baser urges.
Presumably she’s a fine woman in other respects–for me that kind of lack of respect would be a relationship-buster.
I see great potential for mischief in this. You could have friends call, pretending to be all kinds of people. How about the FBI, investigating your privacy complaint? Think that would shake her up?
Have a relative call to ask if you’ve “Told her about the party yet?” Do this a couple months before her birthday, and you can build up tremendous anticipation. She’ll be looking for clues everywhere, and expecting all kinds of things on the fateful day. When nothing special happens, maybe she’ll learn her lesson.
It just depends on how mean you want to get – how vengeful are you?
This is not a relationship-buster for me; it’s a fairly minor thing, when all is said and done. I just don’t like it. She maintains that she’s not wrong about this. I look like I have something to hide.
We don’t hide things from each other – joint checking account, no taboos about going through underwear drawers, etc. I have no reason to hide any phone calls I get (not that I get a ton, anyway). I just don’t like thinking that my wife would be listening in on phone conversations. It seems wrong to me.
My first reaction was to say beat feet for the nearest exit.
Then I reread the post.
At least she told you that she had listened in.
That I consider very important.
Perhaps she did pick up the phone to see if you were still on it and then when she heard the female voice she “just had to” hear the conversation and then feeling guilty about it she confessed but was not about to admit guilt by saying what she did was wrong so she justified it. (inhale)
So for now, let it pass. Give it time. She might apologize later during pillow talk or after a wine and 'pagettii and more wine dinner.
But if it continues, you can kiss your privacy goodbye.
No way, no how, no fing way. How is an invasion of your privacy OK? Does she read your mail, check your computer files, read your e-mail? If so, and it doesn’t bother you, cool. If it were me I’d high tail it outta there and find someone who trusted me.
Everyone has a right to privacy, especially in their own home. At the very least you can tell her that no, not everyone evesdrops on their spouses, and I personally find it extremely disrespectful.
Would I? No. Would I skin someone listening to mine for more than the innocent second it takes to figure out I’m on the phone? yup.
I went through this with my father. no, you can’t open my mail, I don’t care if its just an ad from a credit card company. Its my privacy and as a gesture of respect keep your paws off of it.
Same with telephone calls, e-mail, documents on my computer, etc. If I wanted you to read/hear it I’ll show it to you.
Score another point for mom, I could leave my journal open on the kitchen table and she would carefully mark my page with another sheet of paper and walk the thing back to my room determined NOT to read any of it. Extending privacy is a sign not only of trust but respect. Respect for your own personal space and person. I’m all for sharing everything with a spouse, but that particular situation could be handled with a “So who was on the phone?” much better than deviousness. (And as for human nature, I refuse to believe people are “naturally” devious, untrusting and disrespectful of those they love.)
Count me in the “that would be a relationship killer” camp.
I would make the tentative suggestion that, if you need to ask for feedback about whether or not it’s wrong (of course it is; it’s also downright rude) that you may not be as convinced it’s a minor issue. But that’s just my take–I see it as a major issue, albeit one probably in the bud. If possible, nip it there. That’s just me, and if I’m wrong, hardly a big deal–matter of fact, I kinda hope I am. Means less troubles in the world that way.
So, if you’re happy with someone who doesn’t respect your privacy, cool.
I’m going to put forth MHO and say that since she asked you who was on the phone after she had already listened in, she doesn’t trust you on some level.
Granted, she probably didn’t know who she was listening to but the proper way to approach it would be to say, “Hey, who was that woman that called earlier?” That way, she admits up front that she heard you on the phone but still asks who it was.
The fact that she acted like she knew nothing at first and then later admitted to listening in shows that even she thinks she did something wrong on some level.
Pretty much agree with what’s been said. I don’t do anything that would embarass my wife, but I feel a lot better knowing she’s not listening in on my calls.
My first wife didn’t feel this way, and, when I was sitting at the computer writing a letter, she would correct my spelling from across the room. (It was a Commodore 64 with really high-contrast colors).