Would you move in with someone who might have a crush on you?

In My Humble Opinion
1

It’s Friday night, and instead of going out, I am at home worrying about a personal problem and giving myself a headache. I invite you to join me in my existential anguish.

I moved to Chicago last autumn for my MA program, which I just graduated from a month ago. During the course of this program, I made a handful of new friends, but for the purposes of this post I will only mention three (names changed, with apologies to Jordan and his never-ending Wheel): Rand, Matt, and Perrin. Rand and Perrin were in the same program as I was, while Matt is Rand’s roommate and best friend (they knew each other in undergrad). We all became good friends pretty early on. In the fall, Matt, Perrin, and I are planning to move in together. We are all totally excited - we’re living in a shitty neighborhood right now, so the prospect of moving uptown has us totally psyched.

So in the past, **Matt ** made a few casual passes at me on various occasions. Mostly occassions involving alcohol. The most he ever did was run a hand over my knee under the table. I never explicitly said “I’m not interested,” but I certainly did not encourage this behavior when it happened - I would discreetly scoot away, and he was never persistent. It’s only happened twice, actually, if I’m remembering correctly. He is a wonderful friend, but I was never attracted to him in that way. To further complicate matters, I was sleeping with Rand for awhile. I won’t go into details (and I’m not sleeping with him anymore), but just know that the situation is such that I don’t think I could ever date Matt after my relationship with Rand. In fact, I assumed that Matt had forgotten about whatever feelings of interest he had in me, because I couldn’t imagine him being able to date me after what happened between Rand and me.

Unfortunately, I’ve recently discovered this is not quite the case. Last night, a bunch of us were hanging out at a bar, all quite drunk. He was sitting next to me at one point, and very deliberately groped my leg under the table. I was rather inebriated by this stage, so it took me a moment to realize what he was doing. Then I discreetly shifted my seat, shaking his hand off. He didn’t try it again, and we had fun the rest of the night regardless of this little incident.

So maybe I’m over-reacting, but upon some contemplation I’m wondering if this could turn out to be a problem somewhere along the way. It would be really awkward if, well, awkward things happened between us while we were roommates - we’d be stuck with each other at that point, and poor Perrin would get caught in the middle. On the other hand, **Matt ** doesn’t seem inclined to take his groping any further. I think last night might have been a way of testing the waters, so to speak. Furthermore, I’m not even sure what his feelings are for me. Maybe I’m blowing all of this out of proportion. After all, if he hasn’t said anything so far, I suppose he might be content to just leave it at that.

At this point, I am trying to decide whether I should a) talk to our mutual friend and other future roommate, Perrin, and see what he thinks about this whole thing; b) talk directly to Matt and ask him point-blank what the deal is and whether us being roommates is going to be a problem; or c) let sleeping dogs lie, and not make an issue of it unless Matt actually says something.

So, any thoughts? Advice? Anecdotes?

2

Hmm, if he’s only ever groped you a bit when he’s drunk, that sounds more horny than crush-y to me. Not to diminish your delightfulness, and I could be wrong, but it might be worth asking around to see if you’re the *only * one he gets handsy with after he’s had a few. I have friends who routinely hit on me when they’re drunk, but I know that when I say no they just move on to the girl on the other side of them. It ain’t personal.

If that’s the case, it might be fine to move in with him, as long as he’s not the persistent sort, and as long as you’re not the impatient sort. But if he actually IS crushed out on you and you’re not interested, that’s going to be miserable.

3

If you’re going to live with guys, they’re going to hit on you. That’s what guys do. The other guys are going to do it too. Mark my words.

Plus, you’re confusing a guy trying to get some with having a “crush.” One has nothing to do with the other, especially when alcohol is involved. Young, horny, drunk guys will try to nail anything within range.

4

Hmm. I guess I thought he was, I dunno, less shallow than that? Not that wanting to have sex is shallow in and of itself, but we’re friends, so I would hope that our friendship would be more important to him than simply getting laid.

I don’t mind flirting with my guyfriends, and I don’t mind them (mildly) hitting on me. They do it all the time. But it’s always out in the open and in good fun. None of them have tried to grope me under the table. I guess I just feel like I get a different vibe from Matt, if that makes any sense.

So are you saying it’s normal for a guy to grope one of his female friends under the table? Even a female friend that recently used to sleep with his best friend?

5

Yeah. It could be mildly against Guy Code, but yeah. Also, I wouldn’t want to move in with someone who were all about me and I wanted to do nothing with, especially if I’m going to be out with them and drinking with them when they exhibit the bulk of their “affections”.
This can only end poorly.
Best case scenario: guy gets the message, no harm, no foul.

Worst case scenario: a friendship could dissolve and someone could jump the lease .
What will probably happen is something in the middle, but it’s not going to be pretty anyways.

6

No guy is less shallow than that.

From a young, horny guy’s perspective, there is nothing wrong with nailing a friend. They don’t see any conflict in it.

Yes. Especially if he’s drunk.

Yes, as long as it’s not ongoing and it wasn’t anything particularly serious.

7

See, the thing that Rand and I went through WAS serious. It was this huge drama that sucked in all our friends and caused no end of distress for all involved.

But that’s neither here nor there.

If Matt is just being horny, then that’s fine. I can deal with that, I suppose, especially since he doesn’t seem to be keen on being aggressive or persistent about it. I just think drunkenly groping a friend just because you’re horny is kinda weird. Apparently I give guys more credit than they deserve. :dubious:

DianaG, I am the only girl in this circle of friends, so I don’t know if he is just one of those guys that gropes whoever is next to him when he’s drunk. I assumed he wasn’t, but I guess what Diogenes is saying that all young guys are like this.

Out of curiosity, Diogenes, what is your definition of “young” here?

8

If the guy is really into you beyond the experiences of him touching your leg, I would recommend against living with him, if only to spare him the heartbreak of seeing you everyday in his own home and knowing that he can’t have you. And god help him if you bring another guy home. This is all above and beyond the uncomfortable feelings that you’ll have in these situations, as well.

However, the way you’re describing it, it sounds like a drunken thing and it sounds like he takes a “no means no” gesture pretty well, so if this is the only information available, I think it would be okay.

9

I think it’s just that men and women tend to have entirely different conceptions about sex. Guys do not tend to attach any emotional significance to it. It’s just a physical need to them.

They tend to be, yeah.

Under 30 or so. Really it’s more like under 50 but guys in their 20’s are just more aggressive, have less impulse control and are more likely to be unattached.

10

By the way, it sounds like the guy backs off when he’s told no and if you clearly tell him you aren’t ever going to be interested, he’ll probably leave you alone. The key is not to allow any ambiguity. Young, horny drunk guys will see ambiguity as leaving the door open.

11

I once moved in with somebody I had a crush on. To make matters worse, she was my ex-girlfriend’s best friend. It was a nightmare. It was tension city for months before it finally came out that she was interested in me as well. We then started sleeping together, then stopped a couple of months later. Things went downhill rapidly from there and I moved out. It cost me my friendship with my ex-girlfriend. I was the idiot in this situation as the entire debacle was both foreseeable and avoidable.

As regards the OP, I think the potential problem would be more Matt’s rather than HazelNutCoffee’s… but it sounds like not much of an issue anyway. I don’t see much point in making a conversation out of it until Matt starts trying it on more frequently, which doesn’t seem like it is that likely on my reading of the OP.

12

Instead of taking the indirect route, why don’t you sit down and have a chat with him? Acknowledge his come-ons, explain that you have zero interest in him in that way, and that you’d like to clear the air so that there will be no drama in the future.

His reaction can help you determine if you two can live together without difficulty. If he cops an attitude or gives you the cold shoulder, I’d reconsider.

13

Ditto on that. I’d have a “meeting” before you move in together. Lay it on the line. You are roommates; not “friends with benefits” and you don’t want any uncomfortable situations to arise while you’re all living together. Just to be fair to everyone, ya know? You might want to mention that you’re not interested in playing footsie under the table, either. Tell them it’s cramping your style.

14

Gah. I suppose it makes sense to be direct about it, but I just cringe at the idea of bringing it out into the open. I am a serious awkward situation/conflict avoider. On the other hand, I suppose it’s better to figure it out before we all move in together.

Well, we’ll see. The other night was the first time he’d tried it in quite some time, so maybe he got the message and will leave off. If he does persist I guess I will have to confront him about it.

If anything dramatic develops, I’ll bump this thread (whether you care or not :wink: ). Thanks for the suggestions/advice, all.

15

Don’t do it. You can find someone else to live with.

Frankly, I’ve always thought it was strange for young men and women to live together as ‘friends’. Occasionally it can work, but in my experience watching various people try it, it usually ends badly. Often, there’s one person who has motives just a little different than the other. Either a crush, or a physical attraction. Things might go swimmingly for a while, then you’ll bring a boyfriend over and get serious attitude from your roommate who is deeply hurt after having his illusions shattered. Or you’ll be watching TV together and he’ll try to put a move on you, and you’ll reject him, and things will start becoming very tense and uncomfortable. Or you’ll give in in a moment of weakness, and everything will get very twisted as you try to extricate yourself from what happened.

I think these kinds of living arrangements work only in situations were everyone is in committed relationships and/or it’s very clear that no one is interested in anyone else. If you’ve got even the remotest inkling that there’s a desire for a physical/emotional relationship on his side that you aren’t interested in, don’t even think of living together. It can only end badly.

16

You don’t necessarily need to frame it within the details of the actual moves he made on you. Just say that you know people that experienced problems in this area and you just want to make sure up front that everyone knows everyone’s feelings on the subject, because you value their friendship.

17

Talk to Matt about it. If drama is bound to happen, let it happen before there are financial obligations between you.

Also, which WoT character do you identify with?

18

I used to identify with Nyanaeve; at least in-between strong urges to slap her silly for being such a brat. :wink:

I don’t see a problem ever happening between Perrin and I. He is going through this whole drama with his ex-girlfriend right now and has interest in no one else; even apart from that, things are very neutral between us, in terms of attraction. I have very few guyfriends with which I share no “spark” whatsoever, but he’s one of them.

I talked to a mutual friend of ours last night, and he basically gave similar advice; probably won’t be a big problem, just make sure things are clear before we actually move in together.

19

I simply don’t agree with this. I’ve lived in several mixed-sex living arrangements (in my early 20s) where there was no hitting on roommates involved by any of the guys or girls. It is not a given. I also object to the characterization that men will nail friends just for the hell of it. Once again, this is a situation that has happened to me a couple of times (where a close female friend of mine hit on me hard) and I’ve rejected it. And, yes, I’m a red-blooded heterosexual, but there are some lines I have.

Anyhow, as to the OP, I probably wouldn’t do it.