An interesting thing happened to me on a date tonight, and I’m curious what you would have done, and what you think I should have done. This was my second date with a guy who happens to have a very loud voice. Not that he shouts, just his normal talking voice is noticeably louder than average. We were sitting in Starbucks next to the window. At one point, another patron nearby left. After he walked out the door, I noticed him standing in a spot where my date couldn’t see him, but I could. He was looking at me and gesturing, and pointing to my date. In a second or two I figured out that he was telling me to tell the person I was with to be quieter. I basically ignored him, but shortly afterward I suggested we walk outside for a bit.
I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to embarrass him. This was only a second date, and I don’t know if he would laugh it off or feel bad. Also, we weren’t in a library, theater, or any kind of fancy establishment- it was Starbucks. If the other guy was annoyed, why didn’t he just say, “excuse me, could you speak a little more quietly?” Should I have tried to tell my date obliquely, or should I have made some sort of joke out of it, or just been blunt? Did I have any responsibility to say anything? Was the other patron being discreet, or was it rude to tell me to tell someone else to be quiet? In general, at what point in a relationship could you tell the other person something like “by the way, you often speak more loudly than is appropriate for the circumstances?”
You did the right thing by not saying anything. Your only decent other option was to make some lighthearted joke/remark, but on a second date, way too risky. You have to have some gauge for his sense of humor (or lack of) to pull this off. Unfortunately, someone’s naturally loud voice creates an etiquette mess for the rest of us.
The right point in the relationship is:
A. When/if you feel comfortable enough to be candid
B. In a scenario where his volume really is disruptive
But your fundamental problem is that your date is loud and even if you bring it up graciously, it’s still going to be a problem. People can’t self-correct a naturally loud voice…
I don’t have an indoor voice; fortunately, I wasn’t at a date at Starbucks last week, so it wasn’t me you were out with. 
People shush me sometimes. It just makes me angry, and it almost NEVER makes me quieter. It’s not something I do on a conscious level. You may get me to tone it down for a few seconds, but I’m just going to creep back up anyway. Deal with it. Everyone at the restaurant/coffee shop/bus is just going to have to hear half of our conversation. Don’t tell me anything too racy!
So what you are saying is that you choose not to “tone it down” more than a few moments. No matter how inappropriate your loud voice may be. Is that it? You have a right to speak as loudly as you want, and to hell with everyone else.
I have shared work space with three people like that, who aren’t shouting or anything but just have voices that carry. Except that, you know what, when they have something they want to keep confidential, then Miracles Do Happen they suddenly discover the ability to talk in low tones so that other people 30 feet away can’t hear every word.
So they can do it, they just choose not to. They are behaving like jerks, in my opinion. I think they are all just trying to get attention.
Now to the OP: I once dated a fellow who came from a culture where it was normal to talk back to the movie screen. The first time he did this I cringed, and then I started squeezing his arm and putting my finger in front of my mouth. But he would still get lost in the moment sometimes and talk back to the screen. Finally, after two or three movies like this, I told him, as we were discussing going to another movie:
“Did you know that you talk to the screen sometimes during movies? I think it bothers other people and it’s kind of embarrassing.”
“I do? Oh. OK.”
And then he stopped (at least when he was with me). Now, we were like 20 dates in at this point, I think, and we were knocking boots on a regular basis, so communications were pretty open. But I still think being direct is the best way to deal with things like this. Don’t bother mentioning the guy in the coffee shop, just tell him that his normal voice is pretty loud and you wonder if he can talk more quietly when you two are out together. If it actually bothers you, that is. If it doesn’t bother you that much, then I would let it ride.
Roddy
No. YOU are the problem, not everyone else. How about YOU “deal with it” by adjusting to the social norm. By what right is it OK with you that everyone else have to deal with your aural intrusion?
My opinion is that loud talkers are screaming for attention.
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I expect that the other guy reckoned you were better positioned to convey to your companion, in an appropriate way that won’t piss him off, that he was being obnoxious in a public place. Your date may have been like antonio here.
Yes, I think you (everyone) always have a measure of responsibility for the conduct of your companions in public places. The only way to abdicate this responsibility is to leave the person’s company.
There are limits to what is acceptable in all public places, even outdoors. Yes, the limits in a library or theater are tighter than the limits in a coffee shop, which in turn are tighter than the limits on the sidewalk.
In today’s climate where most people are reluctant to address strangers over social violations, my usual assumption is that by the time somebody does, the offender has been bothering a number of people for a while.
As I read this, I thought about how annoying I would find trying to have a romantic relationship with someone who couldn’t speak in a soft voice, so that’s the direction this advice is coming from.
Basically, unless you are willing to have a long-term relationship with Mr Loud Talker Man, now is a good time to say, “You tend to talk in a pretty loud voice and it makes me a little uncomfortable.” You don’t need to make a big deal out of it, but if he can’t take any sort of criticism like this, do you want a relationship with him? What are you losing out on if he gets all huffy?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying this would necessarily be a fun or easy thing to bring up. I’m just saying that unless it really doesn’t bother you that he’s quite loud, you are eventually going to have to deal with it in one way or another, and finding out sooner rather than later if he’s someone who is willing to make an effort is a good thing and saves heartache and hassle.
My husband shushed me on our very first date together.
Ok, so it was at a movie and I was nervously babbling about nothing, so it was deserved. He was very nice about it, just reminded me that movies are supposed to be quiet time. I remember thinking it was rather ballsy of him actually.
So don’t be afraid to gently point out that he could modulate his volume a bit. Maybe he’s got slightly damaged hearing and doesn’t realize, or maybe it’s nerves, like it was in my case, but either way, go ahead and tell him.
I sometimes talk more loudly than I should. I think it comes from being a teacher - I’m just used to projecting my voice so everyone in the room can hear me. Usually I realize when I’m being too loud and make an effort to lower my voice.
This one guy I know sounds like a foghorn, and it’s even worse when he’s drunk. He’s so loud that the other loud drunken guys try to shush him. It’s amusing to watch. Fortunately the bars he frequents are usually too loud to hear anyone anyway.
The stranger had no way to know this was your second date. He probably thought you were married. So passing his message to you made some sense from his POV.
From your POV, it was right to not pass the message to your date. At your stage in the relationship it’s not appropriate.
Now if you yourself were uncomfortable with his volume, speak your mind. For your own reasons, not that of the stranger. But be prepared for the possibility of a response like antonio107’s above.
I used to work with a 30-ish guy whose parents were both hard of hearing from a young age. His natural voice was very much speaking to an auditorium w/o a microphone. All his life that’s what it took to communicate with his parents. It was irritating to me, but no more than that. I gave him a pass because he had a reasonable reason for it.
The question for you on a second date is: for future dates does it matter to me if this guy is stuck in the *loud while indoors *mode?
I tend to speak loudly, with a voice that carries. It gets louder when I’m more intense about the conversation. I am almost always unaware of my volume level. When I am made aware that I am being loud, I am slightly embarrassed and all too happy to tone it down.
Sometimes my wife or my sister tell me I’m shouting. My first thought is that I’m not shouting. Well, I’m certainly not intentionally shouting, but apparently I get loud enough that it appears that way to others.
From the time this was first brought to my attention (20+ years ago), I think I have been doing it somewhat less, but it’s still something I do occasionally. And it’s still something I am unaware of until it’s pointed out to me. I have no desire to be loud, but my volume level is simply not at the forefront of my mind every time I speak. And frankly, I don’t know how much I do it – only three people (my mother, my wife, and my sister) have ever mentioned it to me.
So from my perspective, I say tell him. I find it entirely believable that he is not aware of how loud he is. You’ve already witnessed one example of people thinking he’s loud but not letting him know. He may well not know, and he may never know if he isn’t told.
ETA: Re: LSLGuy’s story: My father was hard of hearing and had problems with his hearing aids. I was often the only one he could understand because I made a point of speaking loudly and clearly to him, while others did not. Perhaps that became a subconscious habit?
How dare you?! He cannot do that! He has an affliction that is recognized by the American Medical Association and its British counterpart! Every year, as many as six people are stricken by this horrible … horrible disease! It could strike anyone at any time – provided they were born at least two months late and have been exposed to gold dust!
I would have said “Use your inside voice.” If he gets all butthurt about it, then oh well.
It’s not your job to forward messages on from strangers. If someone has a problem with your date’s decibels, then they can man up and talk to him directly.
You only have a responsibility to talk to your date about it if you have an issue with the volume of his voice. From your OP, it doesn’t sound like you do.
I dunno, I would have had no problem asking him to speak more softly. Once you’ve been dating awhile, it’ll be clear that that’s his regular tone of voice, so when you mention it to him, he’ll realize you’ve been sitting there thinking it all the while, and holding back on telling him. If I had a similar habit (erm, assuming I don’t already have several), I’d want to know sooner than later.
I thought this was going to be depicting an incident similar to Kim Cattrall’s memorable scene in Porky’s.
Loud talkers CAN learn to talk in quieter tones, if they actually want to learn. They usually need feedback from people around them, though. If they get all defensive about it, they aren’t going to make the effort.
If you plan to continue seeing this guy, you probably need to bring it up sooner rather than later. He might be a bit hard of hearing, so he doesn’t realize that he’s so loud. Or he might have been brought up around people who are hard of hearing, and it’s a habit with him.
He might not know it. He might know it and figure that since you haven’t said anything, it doesn’t bother you. And he might figure that if you’re trying to change him, he doesn’t want to go out with you any more. You have to figure out whether this issue is worth criticizing him about. Personally, I don’t like it when people have a very loud voice, but I don’t like very soft voices, either. I don’t think that I could continue to date someone who constantly bellowed instead of talking.
You don’t have to pass messages on from strangers, though.
Whenever he starts getting loud put your hands over your ears. If he asks what’s wrong be apologetic and tell him you have sensitive ears.
Or don’t be apologetic and reply “God allmighty! Do you have to shout when you talk? What the hell is wrong with you?”
No…what I’m saying is that I’m seldom consciously aware I’m “talking loud,” and so I only keep it quiet for a few minutes, before I need to be scolded/shushed again. I think I might even be hard of hearing. So in the course of the evening that really pisses me off. Do you want to be lectured every few moments on a vocal tic, or the squeakiness of your voice, or some weird thing you do with your hands? I don’t. But apparently I need to “adjust to the social norm,” lest I offend that oh so important demographic, fucking nobodies at a coffee shop. :rolleyes:
If it’s so unbearable, don’t talk to me! I used to get embarassed by it, but I’m beyond that. I seem to recall a pit thread a while back where the OP got jumped on for saying his gf dressed frumpy. FFS, I think I’d have an easier time changing my wardrobe to impress someone than constantly doing a sound check to see if my voice was too loud.