My brother spoke in a louder-than-normal voice. Pretty sure it’s because he had a history of earaches etc. & a couple times his ear drums “burst.”
You might inquire as to whether he’s had illnesses like that.
If he says “No,” then decide which is more important to you at this stage: to not be frowned at by others, (& from your description you were more attentive to your date’s feelings than the stranger’s) or to hear what he has to say.
I think you have to have more than a couple dates under your belt before you can safely say, “You need to tone it down, boy-o.”
Another thought: Maybe he is/was a rock musician, or worked at an airport or construction or something? If it’s anything like that you could say, "You prbly haven’t noticed, but…(maybe followed by, “Not that it matters to Me…”)
If it’s No, No & No, then you’ll figure out if you’re willing to put up with it.
Because if he’s just a naturally loud talker, I don’t know if they can modulate their voices w/o some resentment. :dubious:
If it was your second date it’s possible he was just nervous and projecting louder to seem more confidant. And yes, I would tell a date she was being too loud if I thought she was being too loud.
Maybe the next time he gets loud, you could playfully say “So I was wondering…has anyone ever told you that have a loud voice?” Hopefully he’ll say yes and apologize and be cool about it.
I sympathize with this plight. A couple of weeks ago, I had a date with a chatterbox who also talks a little loud. We were in a sushi restaurant and I was worried that his voice was bothering the other patrons, but I didn’t shush him because I didn’t know how he’d take it. Coincidence or not, though, he’s in the friend zone now.
That never works. I have a colleague who booms instead of speaks. I work in a hospital and have tried to get him to use his “night time” voice but he only manages to quieten it down for about five minutes.
This has occurred to me. His sister is a friend of mine, I suppose I could ask her if he’s always like that.
The problem is that it’s hard for me to tell who around us is noticing- I’m focusing on the person I’m with, after all. I don’t think he was yelling, or even talking loudly enough that other people couldn’t hear their own companions.
I probably wouldn’t tell someone to quiet down their voice on the second date.
Ex-husband number two had a naturally booming, uber-resonant voice. He could talk more quietly for a few minutes, but usually would forget after a while. At the time I thought I’d do the same…if someone asked me to change my normal voice in public, I’d have a hard time maintaining it.
Every now and again I’d notice people looking his way, but it didn’t bother me unless the topic was something I didn’t want broadcast across a room; then I’d give him a wee poke as a reminder to tone it down.
I think the person gesturing at you was out of line for sure.
I am a loud talker. I’m generally unaware of it. It’s the result of growing up at the racetrack plus years of loud concerts; I have some hearing damage.
I went out to a bar one night with a platonic guy friend, just had a couple drinks. When we left the place and got into his truck (to go get pizza), he asked me, “So… how’s your hearing?”
DZ: “Oh, it sucks. I’m probably a candidate for a hearing aid, but I can’t afford it. Why? Was I too loud in there?”
Friend of DZ: “Well, sometimes you were a little louder than necessary.”
DZ: “Oooohh, I never can tell. Would you gesture to me or something in the future to let me know when I’m being too loud? I’d really appreciate it.”
He agreed but hasn’t had to give me the code signal for “dial your roar back, little lion.” I can generally tell from the body language of my friends. When they start glancing around them to see how many people I’ve offended/pissed off with my too-loud-too-dirty joke, I drop my voice so I can’t hear me and hope my friends still can.
In the case of the OP, if I’d said anything, I would take the approach my friend took above. We were in a noisy bar, so I wasn’t disturbing anybody but he established the reason for my loudness. Now, when we’re in a situation where it’s not okay, he’s got my back. I am not offended for being shushed. I would be offended for being told what to say, but being asked to tone it down a bit is much appreciated.