Would you torture a puppy if it meanT the end of stupid "moral conundrum" threads?

Suppose an evil genius invented a program that could block ALL threads in ALL discussion forums that present ridiculous moral dilemnas that couldn’t possibly happen in real life. The program is 100% accurate, so you would never have to see a hypothetical moral dilemna thread again. But here’s the catch: The evil genius says you can’t have the program unless you torture a puppy - and it’s a REALLY CUTE puppy, too, and it’s looking at you with those sad puppy eyes. So on the one hand, you have to do the puppy torturing thing, but on the other hand, you would never be annoyed by stupid moral dilemna threads again, EVER. So, what would you do?

All dopers are required to answer this OP exactly as presented, and may not point out how silly the question is.

I would instead shoot the fellow holding the thread-killer button, and press it myself, then take the puppy to the park in a bid to impress the hotties with my sensitive side.

That puppy is toast.

Red wire clips to the right ear, black wire to the left.

…good bye puppy…


If you don’t mind my asking, which thread was the last straw, blowero?

Would you still torture that puppy if it was the only bit of joy in the life of a 6 year old legless boy from Sri Lanka? With cancer? And bad hair?

OK, here’s a suggestion; every time such a ridiculously extreme hypothetical dilemma rears its ugly head, we respond with (at least)equally far-fetched hypothetical solutions.

No way, dude, save the puppy. Torture the Sri Lankan instead.

I’m willing to bet it was this one:
All Earth’s Life is at Stake, Would You Still Eschew Torture?.

Mr2001 got quite wrongly hauled over the coals for responding to a ridiculous hypothetical with ridiculous speculation, and anyway, I think the giant squid forcefield plan has great merit really.

No. On the other hand I would rip the wings off a butterfly to stop the " I shave my genitals" threads.

You leave me out of this!

Can I still kill kittens?

This question as stated is formally undecidable in all western moral systems without the answers to a few pertinent questions:[ul]
[li]Is the puppy theoretically capable of developing weapons of Mass Destruction ?[/li][li]Is the question posed in the context of the world as it is or in a minor variant, such as that timeline where intelligent beings from epsilon Eridani convince Hitler to delay the invasion of Russia until after his conquest of Switzerland ?[/li][li]Are we talking about a fuzzy pit bull puppy, or one of those weiner dogs here, and is mustard involved ?[/li][/ul]

Hey, I’ll have you know that my family’s from Sri Lanka…and we all have very nice hair, thank you very much.

Sri Lankan hair tastes like soup, I bet.

What do you get when you stab a puppy in the eyeball witn an icepick? An erection!

(Oh, sick, am I? You’re the one thats laughing!)

Yes. I’d hate myself, but yes. Y’know, the greater good and all that.

Now that’s just WRONG. (Though I’m sure the all-knowing, all-seeing Brutus knows whereof he speaks…)

I think you’re wrong and it would taste like Ryan_Liam.