You really don’t, you just have to live through it. The only “crutch” I resorted to while my mom was dying was letting my dad hold me while I cried. Also, in that situation, I really couldn’t have taken to drinking or anything if I had wanted to, because I was the one responsible for giving my mom her medication. Sometimes you just have to hang in there until the pain passes, as impossible as it seems at the time.
Edit:
Now this…I feel the same. I don’t know how I would cope with that.
Oddly enough, the day my father died (long time ago and unexpected; he was relatively young) I was in a long stretch of daily drinking and getting high. But on that day, I wanted to feel the grief, I guess - I was sober for the first time in ages the day he died and for several days afterwards. Also I was the person most responsible for handling what had to be done after he passed, so I had to stay fairly compos mentis.
And this too; I think I was afraid I’d become a sobbing, sodden, useless mess if I got fucked up.
I’d probably just lay in bed for a few days. Zone out on TV. Play sad songs and cry. That sort of thing.
When my mom died I was offered everything listed on the poll but I was so out of it and numb from grief I didn’t even need anything else. I’d probably be the same way with anyone else. I just don’t turn to drugs. I don’t eat either, which you’d think I’d be more likely to do since I binge.
I have had a number of significant losses in my life (most notably, Dad died when I was 19 and Mom died when I was 25). Never drank or did any other drugs to deal with grief.
Grieving is never a pleasant experience, but I suspect that just letting yourself feel it and learning to come to terms with it allows you to move on more than trying to drink away the problem does.
If you feel like you have a hard time tolerating strong emotions without using substances, it might be worth talking to a therapist or drug counselor about other ways to cope so you don’t feel like you have to have a “crutch” to get through it.
In the days before and after my father’s death, my brothers and I went through quite a lot of beer and wine. It was not a sudden or unexpected death as described in the OP, but still, I think copious consumption of alcohol would be on my agenda regardless.
Not in my experience. We *did *deal with it, and we didn’t become sobbing drunks either. Our nightly drinking sessions around the kitchen table truly did help ease the stress of a very difficult period. YMMV
I got through both my parents’ premature deaths (age 62 and 63) without drinking or drugging. I plan on continuing to abstain.
Having known so many people who used substances in unhealthy ways before I ever got drunk or high, and seeing how 99% of the time using drugs or alcohol as a ‘crutch’ made everything about their situation worse, I suppose I doubt the effectiveness of getting intoxicated, when it comes to coping with negative emotions. But then again I’ve never tried it, and even if I did my experience wouldn’t be universal.
I didn’t use anything when my husband died. I did develop an arrhythmia and was prescribed a sedative so that I could sleep through the palpitations that were keeping me awake–which is how I discovered yet another sedative that keeps me awake even more than palpitations.
I just… well… I just grieved. It hurt, but it wasn’t the kind of hurt that I could push aside and heal in the background. It felt like the sort of hurt I had to go through to get to the other side.
But I’m also not a drinker and have never used drugs.
I would probably drink more than I should, but I don’t think I would get stinking drunk.
I can’t say for sure, but I’d probably go for some benzos and alcohol. That combination is a nice little vacation from reality and I can see it coming in handy during a time of great sadness and stress.
I wouldn’t want to get blasted out of my mind, but something to nudge me toward a more reflective mood instead of a grieving one would be welcome. Moderate amounts of alcohol/weed would probably do that for me.
My dad and brother both died suddenly and unexpectedly (at different times), niether time did taking anything even come to mind. A couple days after my dad died I took some nyqiol just to be able to sleep.
If one of my kids died I don’t know what I would do.
Coincidentally, my father died today. I’m not using anything.
If my son died, I’d put a bullet in my head. Does that count?
Otherwise…I’m not sure. Get drunk? Perhaps if a brother died. But not continuously.
When my wife died eight years ago, I used nothing. My physician even offered to prescribe some sleeping pills to help me sleep, but with three small children to take care of, I had to be functional.
Getting drunk, etc., was not an option.
My dad died - very unexpectedly, age 50 - in October. We all drank a lot for a couple of days, for a couple of reasons. We spent a night in the bar where my dad was on the pool league, and didn’t buy any drinks, but ended up smashed. There were some things that my brother and I were only able to say to each other when drunk (and in french). They were too hard to say in sober English. I haven’t done much drinking since then (probably helps that I’m pregnant now), but for those first couple of days I’m not sad that I spent some time drowning my sorrows.
When my mother passed away, I was much too busy trying to survive all the external crap (dealing with the coroner, funeral home, obituary, and worst of all . . . the relatives). Plus I had to search for my elderly indoor cat, who sneaked outside when the EMS guys were here (it took me 18 days to find him).
But I remember, in whatever free time I had, playing music and watching TV. It helped to have some kind of distraction. But nothing chemical.
The death of a loved one is such a life-altering crisis, that I don’t blame anyone for however they get through it.
If it was my husband or any of my kids, I think I’d have to take something to numb myself, at least for awhile.
The mother of a co-worker collapsed and died at her husband’s funeral. I couldn’t help but wonder if a Valium might have prevented that. The co-worker was on anti-depressants for a few weeks. Can’t imagine losing mom and dad in the space of three days. (Dad had a heart attack shoveling snow.)
I’d be uncontrollably sobbing anyway though, I’m sure. If I was drinking or taking medication I’d at least be able to sleep.
You’re probably right (it’s not all strong emotions I would use substances to cope with though, just a loved one’s death), I just can’t imagine a healthy way of coping that would be enough. I’ve never had someone close to me die before but I spend a lot of time worrying about it. When my pet died I drank for days (not nonstop, just at night, only because I had to drive during the day).
What’s wrong with a temporary crutch though? It doesn’t have to be a substance, it could be the support of other loved ones, religion, or…I don’t know, whatever else people use.
I don’t have access to a gun and wouldn’t be up to tracking one down, but if I did, I’d probably do the same. I think when a child dies it’s common for doctors to drug the parents pretty much into oblivion, and they’d definitely have to do that for me.