I walked around for a while with an “unemployed” tee shirt. The idea was that people would see that when I walked around town and offer me jobs. It was also a half-assed and unfocused expression of discontent with the local economic situation, and an owning up to something that many people are ashamed of and which I was sick of explaining to people (why I couldn’t go out places, etc.)
The reaction to it was different than I expected. I met a lot of other people in the same boat as me, who wanted to talk about their experiences. I met up with a lot of employed people who didn’t really understand how bad the problem was in our area. And I met a lot of people who didn’t charge me for my coffee or let me ride their bus for free.
Anyway, it was an interesting social experiement.
I can see how the “I was raped” shirt could be something some people might want to wear. One of the reasons why rape is so heinous is because of it’s social stigma. So it seems logical that the more openly and honestly we can talk about it, the more we can make the situation better. And seeing someone you know- or don’t know- willing to openly say that could get the ball rolling.
Its an awareness thing. Rape is something that is pretty silent. Until you have these conversations, you don’t realize how many women are raped.
Once you realize that, the hope is that you’ll take steps to change that - light the parking lot. Teach young women not to go into some guys dorm she barely knows if she doesn’t trust him (or unless she WANTS to have sex). Talk to the young guy explaining that “I’m so drunk!!!” is not, always, the mating call of 19 year old female college freshmen.
It isn’t pride in victimhood - victims don’t behave like this. It may be pride in survivorhood. Or it may be actually trying to take something horrible and create change out of it.
(I wouldn’t wear it except at a rally - and I don’t do Take Back the Night rallies. I did work in a rape crisis counseling center briefly, but really couldn’t take it. Like ToykoPlayer, I don’t mention my rape outside anonymous message boards and to people who know me well.)
Well, in the sense that the wearer wants to let everyone know about it by broadcasting it on there chests, yeah, kind of.
I’m not sure I’d agree that there’s a lack of awareness of rape. I’m also not sure what you mean that it is “silent”. Sure, it’s not something you’d generally bring up in casual conversation, but neither are a lot of things. It’s a terrible crime, but I don’t know what sets it apart from other violent crimes.
No, I wouldn’t wear one (well, maybe to a rally, but that’s it).
What would I think about someone who was wearing it? Honestly-that the person had some sort of personality disorder and was looking for attention.
OK…that sounds really harsh, but I have reasons for saying that.
Context:
I’m working in a psychiatric hospital, and a large proportion of my patients have suffered sexual abuse or sexual assault.
The only ones who want to tell me about it are the ones with Borderline Personality Disorder who want attention, and they will tell me over and over again until they get a reaction from me.
I find that pretty hard, because it stirs up my own feelings, which I really don’t need to deal with at work.
Being a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear to someone genuinely distressed, that I can do, pretty easily. By that stage I’ve formed a rapport with that person which makes them opening up to me and sharing both appropriate and necessary.
However, when the response to your casual greeting is being literally backed into a corner while the person describes their rape in graphic detail…well it’s not fun, it’s not necessary and it is damn well inappropriate.
The T-shirt is IMHO definitely more like being backed against a wall and shouted at.
I don’t know that it’s a lack of awareness of rape per se that’s what people are thinking of when they’re talking about “rape awareness”. I think it’s more of a combination things, like an awareness of just how common it is for people to have had a nonconsensual sexual experience, an awareness that not all rape is of the “held at knifepoint by a masked stranger” variety, an awareness of behavior (other than forcible sexual assault) that rises to the level of rape, an awareness that “rape victim” is not equal to “permanently traumatized basket case” or “militant man-hater”. It’s more about the peripherial stuff than about the crime itself.
For example, there’s rarely much debate about whether or not someone’s been killed - or robbed - or had the crap beaten out of them. But there’s quite often a debate in instances of nonconsensual sex about “Wait, that counts as rape?!? OMG! No way!” I’ve personally spoken to otherwise apparently fairly educated and reasonable people who were totally convinced that it’s not possible to rape their spouse (or long-term partner), because they considered consent for sex irrevocable until the relationship itself is terminated. And otherwise apparently fairly educated and reasonable people who were sure that having sex with a casual acquaintance (with whom they’d had no previous sexual relations) who was in a drunken stupor (as in too intoxicated to maintain consciousness) totally wasn’t rape.
The idea of wearing one of these shirts makes me very uncomfortable, but I would have no problem with others wearing them in these circumstances. It has been 15 years (next week) since I was raped by my boyfriend and I can count on my fingers the people who know. To me it is an intensely personal thing and I can not imagine advertising it to strangers.
Don’t forget the other side of this–people who don’t even try to resist unwanted sex because they feel they have no right to do so. If you believe that “consent for sex is irrevocable until the relationship itself is terminated”, how much of a fight do you put up when your partner wants sex and you don’t? Probably not much.
I read about a woman who had casual sex with all and sundry for much of the summer, and then ended up one night having sex with someone she didn’t want to. Why? Well, because at some point SHE came to the conclusion that if she had sex with everyone else, there wasn’t much point to resisting this guy, who seemed to think that consenting to sex with all and sundry meant consenting to sex with him as well. Should she have put up more physical resistance? I can’t answer that. But as I recall the story, she might have been able to make saying no stick, or made more of an effort to avoid being alone with the guy involved, had her attitude been different.
Or my former roommate who was arguably a victim of Grey Rape, who had sex with a jerky boyfriend in her teen years, not so much because jerky boyfriend pressured her to have sex, but her so-called friends pressured her to have sex. Incidentally, jerky boyfriend’s jerky side didn’t really come out until after he had sex with her. Really, based on the tale I heard, calling him a jerk is appropriate, but a rapist isn’t really. But better sex education and a little more encouragement to believe that she had the right to change her mind would not have hurt.
Is it appropriate to be concerned about stranger rape? Absolutely. Violent rape, if one says no on a date with a hot football player? Sure. But I think there are a lot of people out there who had less than fully consensual sex who can’t change their own pasts but can help other people to make decisions which will be less likely to lead them to situations in which they have sex which they regret because they don’t believe in their right to say no to sex.
To me that is a huge part of rape awareness. And its both on the perp side and the victim side. Yes, you have a right to say no even if its prom and you’ve been dating four months. No, you don’t have a right to get your girlfriend drunk and have sex with her if she has said no every single time when she is sober. Both of these probably fall under the “less than fully consentual” - and I wouldn’t prosecute either under any legal definination of rape - but both are discussions we don’t have nearly often enough.
When I read about this in the NYT, it bothered me. I would be really uncomfortable around anyone wearing that shirt and I definitely don’t think it’s appropriate for casual wear.
Just based on observation, I find that many people who have been sexually abused or raped tend to have serious boundary issues. I can say personally, when I was first learning to cope with my past, I would talk about it to pretty much anyone who would listen. It’s as if there was no private part of myself at all – in a weird way, it’s sort of a recreation of the victimization experience all over again. Being abused or violated is essentially being told you don’t have the right to personal boundaries, and the way in which many people cope with the aftermath of a violation can mirror that. Being too open or fixated about such an experience is actually a symptom of PTSD, and given that I actually was this way for a while before I began to find my footing, it’s pretty hard for me to judge others. I see them as being in a painful place, a place too raw to really comprehend how uncomfortable they may be making others.
And on the flipside, there is definitely a lot of stigma associated with these issues, more stigma than anyone would be able to comprehend unless they’d experienced it and had to deal with the reaction of people they were close to. Part of the reason advertising your trauma is futile is the fact that nobody really is going to get it, or really care, or understand, unless they’ve lived it. That’s not a cynical observation, it’s just the way things are. The fact that I can’t really comprehend what it was like in the Death Camps at Auschwitz really has nothing to do with whether I’m a good person or not. I just don’t comprehend that reality, that’s all. I heard a lovely essay by Elie Wiesel on NPR about bearing witness to trauma, and as he talked about marching through the death camps at age 15 I never doubted once that I have no idea what he went through and I never will.
So while I might understand where someone was psychologically who would wear the shirt on a casual basis, I couldn’t condone it and would be concerned. I believe that establishing boundaries and a sense of privacy is a very important part of healing from this kind of trauma. The vast majority of the people I know – my colleagues at work, the friends I’ve made in the last couple of years, etc – don’t have a clue what I’ve experienced, and I’m very happy that way. I used to believe the things I went through were the only interesting thing about me, the only proof of my strength as a person – I’ve since learned this is not the case. There are people who enjoy being around me and like who I am and observe that I’m strong without having a clue where I came from.
I am leaning toward the conclusion, ‘‘This t-shirt is not a necessary for a healthy person.’’ I’m sorry if that offends anyone; it’s just really how I feel based on my own experience.
Well sure. But what’s “too open”, and who gets to decide that?
I came to the realization about four years ago that until my rape was just another thing that happened - with no emotional drama whatsoever - then I really wasn’t “over it.”
I sprained my ankle once. I shop at Aldi. I was raped. I’m making polish sausage for dinner tonight.
I talk about spraining my ankle when someone brings up ankle injuries. I talk about where I shop when people are looking for good deals. I talk about my rape when the topic of rape comes up. And I talk about my dinner plans when people talk about food. And all of them have the same level of emotional impact on me now. Spraining my ankle and my rape both SUCKED at the time. But they don’t hurt me anymore.
I’ve decided that you must not mind me following you around the boards giggling, snorting and guffawing like an immature moron. Must not bother you a bit.
Are people thinking of a rally as a place where a lot of people gather? Because I can see how the shirt would be effective if there were simply a plan to have people wear them in their daily lives on a particular day. That way, when you see a half dozen people in them on your subway car, and they didn’t gather there together deliberately, you begin to realize how widespread it can be.
However, I also think that it can be an effective thing no matter when it’s worn. Is it shocking? Is it a bit exhibitionist? Certainly. That doesn’t mean that the message gets across any less effectively.
Hell, I could even see more detailed shirts: “My boyfriend raped me.” “I knew my rapist,” etc.
My personal definition of ‘‘too open’’ would include this shirt.
I don’t believe it has to be a certain way for everybody. The traumas I have experienced have nothing to do with what I’m making for dinner or where I shop. They are far more personal and impact me in a far more profound way. They don’t define who I am, but they are definitely a part of me – and increasingly, a secret part of me intended for my therapist, my husband and anonymous internet message boards only. (I kind of feel like a superhero in this way – mild mannered olives in my social life, but privately able to leap tall buildings in a single bound!)
I would not discuss my experiences if the topic came up casually in a social setting. I am past the point where I need people to know how much I have suffered and how much I have overcome. There was a point where I definitely needed that, even though it ultimately made me feel bad about myself. So what is healing for you is exactly the opposite of healing for me. My healing has consisted in honoring my experience for what it is but establishing personal boundaries between myself and other people. When I keep those private things private, I learn things about me I never knew before. I’ve always known I had a lousy childhood, but it wasn’t until I started putting that away and exploring other areas of myself that I discovered I’m funny, silly, intelligent, etc. I also believe you can tell when a person is strong, or wise, or clever, without necessarily knowing their life story. Understanding that has been a huge point of personal growth for me.
If someone wore that shirt around me, I would be uncomfortable – not necessarily because I buy into the stigma, but because I’ve personally been in that position of need, and it would remind me of a few unpleasant things I’ve done at my most emotionally raw. Not only that, but it would remind me of a part of my life I really don’t want to think about while I’m munching popcorn and watching DVDs at a friend’s house. I would probably feel mild resentment toward the wearer for reminding me of that. I don’t imply the resentment would be justified, but those are the feelings I would have, from one trauma survivor to another.
I think it depends on what you want to make your life’s work - or even your moment’s work. If your work is rape awareness, this openess is justified. If you are using your chest as a way to garner attention, identify yourself, wallow in your victimhood - then its not.
Nancy Brinker founded the Komen Foundation after her sister died of breast cancer. As a result, she spends her life talking about her and her sister’s experience. Because Susan’s experience was so tragic, because Nancy has been so eloquent, the face of breast cancer in America has really changed. We talk openly about it. We get mammograms. If you are diagosed with breast cancer, you don’t go through it alone, you can find someone wearing a pink ribbon who is a survivor, a friend or relative of a survivor, or someone who lost someone. Twenty five years ago this did not happen, breast cancer was not something you talked about or shared.
Be careful of projecting your own way of dealing and your motivations onto someone else. Because your openness was unhealthy does not mean someone else’s is.
A rally, to me, is a place where a lot of people gather with a particular purpose in mind. Rape awareness or breast cancer awareness (which was on my mind even before seeing Dangerosa mention it).
Sure, a well-publicized Rape Awareness Day or Rape Awareness in our Community (on our college campus, in our schools (especially high schools)). I have no problem with that idea.
I didn’t say it was. In fact, I said ‘‘I don’t believe it has to be a certain way for everybody.’’ Then I said, ‘‘So what is healing for you is the exact opposite of healing for me.’’ The implication being that people deal with things in different ways. That is an opinion WhyNot and myself have both espoused many, many times in other threads. We have agreed that we both feel there is often a push, by the mental health community, by books, media, whatever – to apply some kind of cookie-cutter solution to the rape/sexual abuse archetype, which oftentimes can make coping much more difficult. What ultimately needs to be done is to embrace the fact that what this sort of violation means to one person is not going to mean the same thing to another person, and what one needs to heal may be a long, hot bubble bath or a lifetime in therapy, depending on the person.
Personally, I don’t want to think about rape, or be reminded of trauma, in the context of a t-shirt or in the middle of an otherwise pleasant social engagement. I believe it’s totally okay for me to feel that way. Whether a t-shirt wearer is actually coping in a healthy way is an entire other issue they need to figure out themselves. It’s totally okay for me to think someone may not dealing with something in a healthy way (though I want to clarify I’m not referring to WhyNot at all here, she is a person I admire greatly, in particular because of her strength regarding this issue.) Regardless of what I think, my opinion doesn’t really have any bearing on anyone else’s reality. I’m sure my feelings about this range from the ‘‘healthy and healing’’ to the ‘‘still quite traumatized’’ depending on the moment and time, and that’s okay too. I have plenty of time to sort it out. In the meantime, you won’t catch me within twenty yards of this t-shirt.