After long-term marital problems, I told my husband I wanted a separation over a month ago. This was the third time in three years it had been brought up. He said, “No, I’m not leaving and you’re not taking the kids.” Same response as the last two times, leaving me with the choice of battling it out with him or leaving my kids with him. The latter is simply not an option for me. Part of the reason I want out is for their sake. So this time things have changed. We got a good counselor, I’ve stood my ground, I’ve been breaking away, essentially functioning as a separated person and not allowing him to manipulate me with his anger. He has been trying over the last few months to make things better, but I feel it’s too late, the damage over the years has been done. He has kept his cool, but the anger is always there beneath the surface. I see it, I feel it, it continues to be hard to not give in to it. He’s been angry over the fact that I want out; not sad, not upset, but angry.
Today at the counselors, he agreed to a separation.
And he was sad and he hurt. Something I promised I’d never do, something I didn’t want to do. After all of the crap I’ve taken (and in fairness it’s not been all bad, all the time), and finally getting a shot at what I’ve wanted and then to see him hurt, to know I was causing that…
Wow, that hurt.
I’m not changing my mind, I’m not falling back into the old patterns, I’m not giving up my chance for a different life, but shit, even wanting it this way, it sure as hell isn’t easy.
{{{Salem}}} You stand your ground! It’s a song cliche but breaking up is hard to do! You wouldn’t be together in the first place if you didn’t love each other at one time. But there comes a time to cut your losses. It’s hard, but you’ve got to be strong! Good things… BETTER things will come from this.
You go girl! I know just how you feel – hurting those you love is never easy, but some things just gotta be done. You’ve taken the first big step, though more hurt is probably in store for you both. Stay strong, keep your head clear, and never lose sight of the goal you have set. It feels good to finally make that hard decision and determined to make it stick, doesn’t it?
You’re finally being good to yourself and a perk is that it will be good for your kids. They’ll understand with time. It will hurt but who said life was easy? I gather he didn’t care that he was hurting you before it got to this point. Keep that in mind. Not that you should sink to his level and hurt for hurt’s sake but understand that you have to take care of you, to help take care of your kids. I wish you strength and goodness…
Thanks so much, your support means a lot. It’s been a long road.
And he was the one who created this situation (and that’s not to say I’m blameless in that I let it go on too long) and I warned him years ago that this was where we were headed. He didn’t believe me, I guess. I’m not perfect by any means, but I did try for many years to make him happy. And yes, you can’t make someone happy if they’re not happy inside. Lesson learned the hard way!
(((((Salem))))). It takes huge strength to do what you are doing, and I admire you. That you can still see and have sympathy with your husbands pain only proves you to be that much stronger.
And (if this is inaporpriate I am really sorry) if your husband is learning to show his hurt as hurt, rather then anger, then this is probaby good for him to. I don’t mean to even hint that you should be reconsidering, it sounds like you have struggled long and hard with this, and come to the right choice. But in the end this may be best for all of you, even him. And since you seem to be resltling with some guilt (as all good people do) this might help.
(((((Salem))))). It takes huge strength to do what you are doing, and I admire you. That you can still see and have sympathy with your husbands pain only proves you to be that much stronger.
And (if this is inappropriate I am really sorry) if your husband is learning to show his hurt as hurt, rather then anger, then this is probably good for him to. I don’t mean to even hint that you should be reconsidering, it sounds like you have struggled long and hard with this, and come to the right choice. But in the end this may be best for all of you, even him. And since you seem to be wrestling with some guilt (as all good people do) this might help.
I hope things work out for you. If leaving your marriage weren’t hard I’d think something was wrong. You seem to have thought things through though and are doing whats best for you and your children. Hold onto that when you feel doubtful.
I grew up in a home with a very angry man too. Because my mother never stood up for herself or for us kids I have no respect for her today.
That’s what I think finally pushed me over the edge, tanookie. Watching my 15 year old get in a relationship with a boy who was very much like her father, come to find out. And the beauty of it was watching her kick his butt to the curb. BUT, the fact that she got involved and put up with it as long as she did bothers me. I won’t allow my daughters to be treated the way I have been, even by their own father. So as much as I do wrestle with the guilt because that’s the way I am, I know I have to do what I have to do. I told him yesterday, I would like nothing more than for him to no longer feel angry, to feel better about himself and to feel some peace inside. But I also told him that I wasn’t responsible for his unhappiness, it was there long before he met me and that I was no longer going to accept the responsiblity for making him happy. It’s up to him to do that now.
Thanks for all of the hugs, it’s really helpful.
So who wants coffee? We’ll sit, we’ll tawk, we’ll drink cawfeee.
Ah shiat this kind of situation sucks. I never knew how hard it is until a friend recently went through it. I’m so sorry, sweetie.
Remember, you are a good person. And if you need someone to remind you of that, I have an e-mail address too. I happen to know you’re a good person because you crossed your eyes for me for three weeks. Now that’s a friggin’ saint! Nowhuttumsayin’?
But you weren’t. He was, his previous actions and attitude. I’m sorry you’re going through this Salem and sincerely hope this works out best for all but remember what led to this point.
ayikes, shit, that sucks. as one who’s neither married nor spawned, I can’t really say anything except yay you for having the courage to do what you know to be right even though it’s painful and difficult. Let me just offer you this nice carafe of Sumatra coffee, and a few chocolate frogs.
Aw, crap. This has got to be one of the hardest things to go through.
The wife and I recently went through a rough patch where we were arguing a lot. In fact we kept repeating the pattern so much that we both began to assume that there was going to be a fight about every little thing. This had us bracing for the fights and put is both on hair triggers. We’d go off at any provocation and eventually any HINT of provocation. We finally sat down and talked about what was going on. We decided we would try to work things out. We both knew we didn’t want to be fighting. We both still kept seeing things in the others actions that just weren’t there. It took a lot of work and faith for both of us to stop seeing anger that wasn’t there. It took a lot of talking and patience. We still fight some, but now we talk it out and find it really is usually a misunderstanding.
What I’m trying to suggest is that perhaps, when your husband was trying so hard, the anger that you saw was only the anger you expected to see. Perhaps he has been showing sadness and hurt for a while and you have only just recognized it. That’s not to say that you don’t have good reason to expect anger. It’s what you’ve been trained to expect.
I can understand when you say it is too late. Sometimes it is and the best you can do is taking whatever lessons you can learn with you into the future.
I am sorry for the difficult time you’ve been having. I hope the future brings you peace and happiness.
Reading your posting I get the idea that angry isn’t what your husband does, it’s what he is - and you must choose between leaving and having this anger steal any joy from your life. I get the idea you have to leave.
It is rotten that you have to do that, but you do have to do that. I’m so sorry you also see him hurting and feel bad about it. This is the mean stuff life does to some of us.
I know a young lady whose father is a very angry person. Her life was a declining sadness until her mother took the same steps you are describing. She has a very much brighter future now than she did before her mother acted. It is horrible to contemplate how much worse everything would be if her mother hadn’t put up with the pain to do what needed doing.
You’re doing the right thing – which doesn’t mean it’s going to be all fun and frolic from here on out.
As a couple of people have said, it sounds like your husband is finally starting to do what he needs to be doing as well. It’s all only going to be good for the kids — and for you.
I know that no one has posted to this thread lately, but I thought I would give you my two cents. It’s great that you have finally been able to stand your ground and end this. I understand, from the other side of the situation, what it means to be hurt like your husband has been. Just try to communicate through the separation process and it will make it much easier on everyone, especially the children. I am sure, as in my case, your husband knows that you aren’t doing this to hurt him, it just has to happen. Good luck in whatever happens and remember to stay strong.