My boyfriend is coming over for dinner tonight. He’s sleeping over so tomorrow morning we can head off to my folks’ place for Thanksgiving. I’ve had to do some rearranging; as I have a day bed, I took the main and trundle mattresses and put them on the floor. I’ve covered them and have a fairly decent makeshift double bed for the two of us tonight.
To get a full visual, I live in a large studio apartment–you walk in and see the entire lay of the land. The “bed” was in the central area, impossible to miss.
Anyway, I found some condoms (unused, thank you very much) that we won’t be using because they don’t fit. So, being easily amused, I inflated a few and had them on the bed.
Ding dong!
Eh? Bri’s in class for another hour and a half, that can’t be him… I peek through the peephole, and it’s my upstairs neighbor (who is also a friend from college). I open, she comes in all frazzled because her hubby forgot to leave her a key and she’s locked out. I invite her in, only to turn around and instantly recall there are inflated (and still packaged) condoms everywhere. I try to stealthfully direct her attention to the kitchen (“Let me get you a drink”), but on the desk next to the counter is the box of condoms. It was all pretty hard to miss.
She isn’t exactly a prude, I don’t think; though we both attended a Christian university, I do know she lived with her hubby before getting married, so I don’t think I appalled or offended her. I’m sure I amused her, though!
As soon as she got the key from management and left, I burst out laughing. Wow.
I used to think the world was against me. Now I know better. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.
That sould give her something to talk about for a while. Pay attention to weird looks from neighbors from now on.
I walked in on my sister’n law to be showering once. Shower’s in the basement of my parents house and I didn’t expect her to be toweling off when I went to the freezer.
Her " Hi there.". I just run up the stairs. What would you say? We just pretend it never happened.
My mom recounts the story of when I was a baby and she put me in the middle of her bed to answer the door. When she brought the visitor in to show me off I was delightedly waving around her contraceptive foam applicator she had inadvertently left on the nightstand. Yikes!
On a road trip, male sicko comanion checks into the john at a convenience store pit stop. He buys some hilarious (not) rubber goods out of a machine. Said rubber items are the usual vending machine goods aimed at non-picky consumers: i.e. tasseled, light up in the dark, ribbed, sequined, sound-chip that sings “C’mon baby, light my fire”, etc.
He slips it, unnoticed by me, into my purse.
Two weeks later I’m at a dire, very serious professional “relaxing” drinks party. A big power needs some matches. I groupe in my purse and pull out what feels like a book of matches.
Yep, I hand him the Yowling Jungle Sex Glow In the Dark Singing pack of rubbers.
There was no cogent explanation. “Want a light, big guy?” “I have sick friends and never saw that before in my life…but go ahead and keep it anyway.”
In college I lived in a small house, obviously built with renting to college students in mind, that had a master bedroom that was only accessible by passage through the bathroom. One of my roommates, who occupied the master BR, had a business that drew several out of town visitors. He conducted business in his BR. Only period in my life where I was actually able to sort of get used to being introduced to people and shaking hands while sitting on the can (“Excuse me if I don’t stand up.”).
I was sixteen years old and going on what I think was about my second date ever. She was a really nice, traditional girl and if I wanted to take her out to the movies I needed to first meet her Father.
I arrive at her house and am invited in. “She’s still getting ready…” (never heard that one before) “have a seat”. I sit in a giant tweed chair next to her father, so big that my toes touch the ground, but my heels don’t. Three of her four sisters can be seen upstairs, peeking down at me from between the slats of the stairway, giggling. I distinctly remember the smell of froot loops and Murphy’s oil soap and cat pee.
“So, you think the 'Niners goint to make the Superbowl?”
I know nothing about sports, but bullshit my way through this.
“What you studying in school?”
I’m near flunking, thanks. But I politely navagate through that too…
It goes on like this for a few minutes until sister number four loses interest in mashing froot loops in the carpeting and decides to scope out sis’s beau.
“I’m jenny”
Hello there.
“I’m six” (holds out seven fingers)
Wow, that old.
“are you going to marry my sister?”
Well, I figgure we’ll live in sin for awhile first…
Dad’s feet hit the floor with a bang. I’m YANKED out of the chair. A shirt button flies across the room and rattles on the tiles in the entry. He’s got me by the shirt collar and I’m out the door in two seconds flat. The door bangs so close to the back of my head I can feel the wind in my hair.
Not the first nor the last time my sense of humor got me into trouble, but indubitably the most embarrasing.
Worst condom moment was when I came back from a trip while I was married without the one I kept in my wallet and my wife-at-the-time noticed.
I still have no idea what happened to it - I assume when I was tipping the maid (har har), it fell out as I plonked down a couple of bucks on the dresser in my haste to get out of there and make my plane.
Definitely a sitcom-esque moment afterwards, but I did eventually convince her of my fidelity, which was definitely there…
Once when I was a manager of a videostore a customer came in asking directions. I am clueless when it come to giving them, so I told him I had a map in my car. I take him outside, open my glove box and out pops about 4 condoms. The look on this guys face was positively priceless (you may have noticed I look pretty young NOW- at time time I was 18 looking about 13). I wasn’t embarrassed at all, but he looked like he was going to die.
Well, here’s one that could have gotten me in deep trouble.
I had a men’s wallet, a smaller equivalent of a woman’s purse that I actually ended up using as a pencil case, mostly. I had a picture of my previous girlfriend tucked in there and never really though about taking it out, even after I broke up with her.
My second girlfriend came into my life and still I never thought of taking the picture out because it was in a pocket I never really used. One day while walking around with my significant other I droped my ‘purse’ and out it comes. The pictures slips out in full view of both of us. Long silence. I would have liked to see my face as I realized in how much trouble I was going to be.
Everything ended well. She gave me her picture to replace the old one, and she chew me out only that one day.
I’ve always kept a condom in my wallet, even when I was married. I had no expectation of ever using it, but it’s a habit I’ve had since my single days.
I have a friend that also cuts my hair on occasion. (She lived 50 miles away, so I only saw her about 4 times a year.) I introduced her to my fiance, and she started having her hair done by my friend too.
The year before I got married, our friend becomes pregnant (single mom, important to the story). She delivered about 2 months before our wedding. We go to visit her, and of course go ga-ga over her son. We all take pictures of each other holding the baby.
She quit working in town, so I saw less and less of her. She also moved to about 100 miles away). After about a year, she moved back closer to town.
We went to see her and her son. While there, we started looking at pictures. My friend had made a little album for her son, and he brought it out to look at. There was a picture of me, his mother, and him from our first visit after he was born. My friend started asking him who was pictured:
“Who’s that?” “Mommy!”
“And that?” “Ali!”
“And who’s this?” she asked, pointing at my picture. A pause, he looks at me, and says, “Daddy!”
Boy did I turn shades! Fortunately, my wife knew better.
