Wow, the funeral business is a huge scam

The BBQ Pit
61

My favorite was after my dad had passed away, and wanted to be cremated. The funeral home had quoted some kind of “luxury” cremation container for the body.

I said “Wait a minute… that box goes into the crematorium and gets burned up, right?” The guy said “Yes.” I replied that I didn’t see any point whatsoever in upgrading that particular element of the process- if it’s going to be burned up anyway, let’s go with the cheapest possible option there is, especially since there was a couple of hundred dollars difference.

He seemed a bit stunned; apparently it’s not common for people to challenge that particular aspect.

I felt like my father would have approved, being the frugal sort that he had been. He would have seen no point in burning up a more expensive box in the process than was absolutely necessary.

62

“Is there a Ralph’s around here?”

63

I’m in complete agreement. When it’s my turn, I want the cheapest choices. Otherwise, you’re literally burning money. If you want to spend more on the occasion (“you” being my surviving family), spend the difference on your choice of alcoholic beverage, which you will imbibe in my honor while watching my Green Acres DVDs with whoever you can get to come over to the house.

64

I highly recommend reading **The American Way of Death” by Jessica Mitford. It’s a dryly humorous expose investigation of the practices and abuses in the funeral industry. The original was written in 1963 and she published a revised edition in 1998.

One thing that’s important to know is that most funeral homes are owned by large corporations, no matter what they call themselves or how they present themselves. These corporations bought out thousands of family-owned funeral homes and didn’t change the names.

I believe the funeral home my family uses is the only one in town that’s truly still family-owned.

My mother died in August 2020. I knew exactly what my mother mother wanted and I called the funeral home and told them…….cremation in the cheapest cardboard casket you have, no service or visitation at the funeral home, we are handling it with our church.The funeral director working with us, a lovely young woman, informed me that my mother had come in at some point and left a document outlining her wishes with the funeral home and that I had gotten it exactly right.

The grand total was around $2800.00. Even though we didn’t use the funeral home for the service, they handled the placement of the obituary and they took delivery of flowers and gifts and brought them to our house. The newspaper also sent us a nice memorial plaque with her name and a copy of the obituary.

The church my family attends has a small memorial garden for the interment of ashes, and we had a brief service for that purpose. One of the priests was a friend of Mom’s and he conducted the service. They did this at no charge, but I’m not sure if that is typical.

We paid about $100 to have her name added to the memorial stone ( she was interred with my dad).

Afterwards, one of my mom’s friends had everyone ( there were about 10 of us) over to her house for a simple lunch outdoors.

It was nice and simple ( and relatively inexpensive ).

65

One cemetery here supposedly requires the vault, though not the one my mother is going into.

66

One assumes this is why we were expected to come with cash in hand. I don’t begrudge paying musicians - that’s the most sensible charge in this whole process, I think. I just found the cash only policy funny, although I can see why they’d want it that way.

67

You could do something cool for 25 large.

For instance, I’ve instructed my people to build a large trebuchet to launch my flaming corpse through Mitch McConnell’s bedroom window.

68

She is, trust me.

69

Picturing a string quartet for the receiving line at the wake.

70

I know the industry has a bad and apparently well deserved reputation for being predatory, but I know from experience that there are at least a few good funeral homes out there. When my mother died, the local small-town funeral home was absolutely fantastic - no pressure at all, and when I said “I want the least expensive of everything” they cooperated without judgment.

They also managed a really couple of really cool things, following my mother’s wishes. New Deal architect Harry Hopkins is buried in Grinnell, Iowa (my mother’s home town) and my mother wanted to be buried next to him. She also wanted to have the ashes of one of her dogs buried with her.

Neither one of those were possible following the rules. Although there was space next to Harry, according to the zoning it was a “road” from back in the day when funeral processions were done with horse carts. This is no longer the case and the horse cart “road” is now just grass - cars drive on a different paved route. The funeral home requested and received an exemption permitting my mother to be buried in the old horse cart path.

The issue of the animal remains being buried with my mother was dealt with on a “don’t ask don’t tell” basis.

I don’t have much knowledge of these things, but isn’t it the case that most funeral homes (at least traditionally - if they’ve all been bought by a few large corporations maybe this is no longer true) have historically been family businesses? That certainly lessens the ghoul factor a lot. I went to college with the daughter of a funeral director, and she took over the business eventually; some people might want to break away from the family business but for others it would be nice to have a secure career path waiting for them.

71

I’m sorry to hear of your loss.

As for me:

72

Would you prefer “don’t act like a complete gaping cunt” a little better? Non-PC enough to suit you?

73

Hee, hee, hee - my late spouse played bagpipes. And tuba, but mostly bagpipes.

74

I’ll just throw in that my grandparents were Jewish undertakers, and Jewish funerals tend to be pretty simple affairs in many ways - no embalming, plain wooden caskets, no underground vaults… But they weren’t averse to selling more to non-Jews. Full embalming equipment in the basement, happy to sell a fancy coffin, etc., etc.

Some families DO want the full fancy funeral. That’s fine if they can afford it. It’s fine if that’s what they actually want and not what they’re talked into/pressured to buy.

When my spouse died my sister actually helped me find a local funeral director. Simple cremation and I received a box of ashes a few days later. But the gentleman had a whole menu of options and had I requested he would have helped me buy a fancy urn, a burial plot and headstone, or an airplane to scatter the ashes, or arrange for a formal funeral at a local venue, or a lot of other things. He let me know the options were there, but there was no pressure. Mostly he asked me what I wanted and if there were budget considerations.

Yes, there are ethical funeral directors out there. I’m sorry if I gave the impression they were all predators, they aren’t. It’s just that I have a particular distaste for taking advantage of grieving family and friends.

75

Eh, not so much - if the water table isn’t too high it will keep it out for awhile, but not forever. New Orleans has mostly above-ground vaults because their water table occasionally is higher than ground level (hence all the pumps) and keeping the bodies above ground keeps them (relatively) drier longer.

About the only really practical thing about the vaults, as I understand it, is that they tend to keep the ground from collapsing as the bodies/caskets decay and collapse. How fast that would occur and the details varies depending on ground conditions, among other things, but old-time graveyards in Europe were known to be hazardous places to walk what with the ground either humped up over fresh graves or sunken over old ones, and at times the footing could give way under you due to all this exciting post-mortem action. As a side effect, a burial vault can delay the deterioration of the casket.

Whether or not they are actually needed depends very much on where the burial is. Also, whether or not they’re required depends on local regulations as much if not more than actual need dictated by soil and climate.

It’s not unusual to be told they are “legally required” even when they aren’t, just as you might be told embalming is “legally required” even when it isn’t. For example, in my area if burial or cremation occurs within a certain time limit of death no embalming is required. Now, if the funeral with body is to take place beyond that time limit then yes, it might be necessary but people should be told the actual rules and options so they can make an informed decision.

AAA digression:

Hmm… largely, I’ve managed the dead batteries and flat tires on my own (I’m handy like that). I do know a local tow service with reasonable rates I’ve used for other problems, including one time at 1:30 am when they arrived reasonably fast. So locally no, I don’t need AAA.

Now, when I take a long road trip with a rental car I do get their insurance and road assistance for just-in-case (my own car insurance does not cover me for rental vehicles - I do get minimal insurance for myself).

So it’s not so much “charmed life” as having an alternative to AAA for those purposes. AAA does provide a service that some people want and need, but not everyone does.

76

In the US funeral homes have to accept a casket you bought elsewhere - or even made yourself.

When mom died dad went to the funeral home and picked the cheapest option for her casket for her cremation. He was a litttle surprised the guy -who apparently had a huge honking Shriners ring and gave off used car salesman vibes - didn’t try to talk him up.

77

Discussing this with my family the other day, someone remarked, “The Jews and Muslims get the win on this one.” I tend to agree.

Church service today. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to listen to a podcast or something, but I don’t see how I can conceal any headphones or earbuds.

78

It can be rough… but then so can working front-line retail. A good personality fit helps with any job.

Although we’re not in the funeral business anymore, my oldest surviving sister is a hospice director. So I guess there’s still a certain inclination to serve the dying, dead, and their survivors in my family.

There is a LOT of illegal ash-scattering. It’s illegal because a lot of people are squicked by dead “bodies”. There is also a strong don’t-ask-don’t-tell thing at work. This continues in part because sufficiently fine “cremains” aren’t readily identifiable as dead body and are quickly dispersed into the environment.

If you are intending to scatter ashes let the cremation place know that and they’ll make sure the remains are fine rather than coarse (yes, that is an option). Be discreet when doing the deed. Stand upwind.

79

I feel like this one is a given, but …

Don’t snort your loved one’s cremains. Many things are cool simply because a Rolling Stone does them. Not this one.

And if you’re “pretty sure that’s what (s)he would have wanted,” that really drives home the point of putting your wishes down in writing.

80

It’s the Calvera rule. It would be sacrilegious not to. If God didn’t want them sheared, he would not have made them sheep.