But all of a sudden, the Schwan’s man showed up with a truckful of fudge pops, chicken fingers, and veggie burgers.
“Fudge pops? Fudge pops?” screamed the Schwan’s man, “I’ve got your motherfucking fudge pops right here!”
“Curses,” screamed Osama in impotent fury from his secret hideout in Peoria, “Foiled again!”
Bert says to Ernie, “I’ve got a taste for fresh Schwanz.”
“I don’t want to hear about your terrible perversions, you horrible litte fag!” screamed the hapless muppet.
Just as Mister Rogers burst through the door with Lady Elaine dangling out of his ass.
Dispirited, Sam turned on his heel and went back to be shot to death by the hotel detective.
(Remember, folks, just ONE sentence at a time!)
“And I would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn’t been for that meddling kid and her stupid Glock” he muttered bitterly.
Sam died in the gutter, with the needles and the condoms, the thousand lost dreams, the thousand wasted, ruined lives.
And a cold, cold wind blew over the city.
Meanwhile, the little boy in Kansas picked up a copy of Playboy as it blew by in the prairie wind, and liked what he saw of his first naked girl.
“No,” mumbled Bert, “Brains, I want brains…” and Ernie felt the same horrible lust overtake him, too, and echoed, “Brains, brains,” and they Zombie Muppets advanced on the ice cream truck where the humans were enjoying their fudgesickles, however you spell them.
And decided to use the paper to start a fire in his mom’s bed while she was asleep to kill her and her little dog (it worked).
“I’ll get you my pretty…and your little dog too!” he cackled as the flames illuminated his green-tinged skin and black pointed hat.
“What a weird fuckin’ dream that was!” Sam exclaimed, awakening at last.
“No…this is the dream,” said his mother as Sam woke up again, watching his blood drain slowly into the gutter along with the remnants of his shattered life.
“I would really like a fudgesicle.” He reflected.
“Do you think Fudgsicles grow on trees?” his mother scornfully spat.
“Yes. Yes, I do think Fudgesicles grow on trees.”
“Not with global warming, son.”