For anybody unaware, Sarah Palin is on Scooby van tour of the U.S. and delivering interesting revisions and analyses of American history.
About Mt. Vernon after a 45 minute tour:
“The presence” here meaning the marble slab behind iron bars under which his bones are located- pretty much identical to how he was described in life. Washington also had to deal with many of the same problems affecting the upwardly mobile today: he built that beautiful riverfront mansion and its gardens only to have somebody build a housing project filled with illiterate black people in walking distance.
About the Statue of Liberty:
To her credit she didn’t address that prevalent urban legend in liberal circles about the statue having someting to do with France- get this!- helping us out militarily and financially in gaining our independence in the first place!
She also was squired by Trump and had “authentic New York City pizza” from an Albanian chain, then soon after Trumped her own statements with her recap of Paul Revere’s wild ride:
Few people know that the first National Anthem of the U.S. was Paul Revere’s famous song “Ring Them Bells”. And that he managed to warn the British in spite of being a deaf hunchback makes it all the more a triumph of the American spirit.
So, Sarah might win the presidency one day but she’ll never win “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader”, and that’s a good thing, because who wants a 5th grader for president? But she just doesn’t have the time to concentrate on being a mother and a pundit and a bus driver all while having to make sentences that incorporate famous names and events, so for this game we will help her out and write her new “Miss Information Heritage and Publicity Tour” history lessons for her. What do you think will be her next history lesson for the public?
“I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help the US, uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us.”
“Utah was started as a home for Indians who were kicked out of their tribes for being Jews and so one of them, Joseph Smith, had a vision where Jesus said 'Hey, why don’tcha hightail it to Utah! The skiing is out of this world!” and they came out here and built their own Dead Sea and carved the most beautiful canyons out of what was desert before. And I am a firm believer in Israel to this day so that later generations of Jewish Indians won’t have to get on wagons to a desert, Never Again!"
“Thank you so much for welcoming me to your wonderful town. With your cowboys and oil rigs and country music and apple pie, I feel like I’m finally in Real America. God bless you and God bless Calgary.”
Trump used a fork and Jon Stewart demanded to see his long form birth certificate proving he was actually a real New Yorker. Palin is media savvy enough to not let a camera catch her putting something in her mouth.
“Here we stand, at the famous Mason-Dixon line, where many a conflict was decided during the Great Revolutionary war, where black slaves were able to take up arms against the aggressors of the north, the British soldiers, and say ‘you aren’t gonna come down here and take away our gosh darn freedoms!’. They united with their brothers-in-arms, the indians, to show us all and remind us today how precious a gift that freedom is, and how we should never be afraid to fight against other nations for the liberties that we take for granted every day.”
“As we walk down the proud and lovely street of Monument Avenue in this historical city of Richmond, Virginia, we are reminded of the drive for freedom and liberty that caused the men commemorated in these grand statues to take up arms and defend their beloved country from tyranny and oppression. For it was the often misunderstood Jefferson Davis who cried, ‘Give me liberty or give me death!’ Those words shall resonate throughout the ages. Oooh boy, if only we had great statesmen like that today for my children to look up to. Every town in America needs a Monument Ave, by golly!”
Here at the John Day Fossil Beds where old timey cowboys herded the dinosaurs into the corral so they could shoot them for dinner. God made the bones look really, really old and sometimes turned them into oil by waving his, um, god wand. . .that’s why scientists call this land godwanda, Piper.
“I’m proud to be the first one of my family to visit Georgia since my Uncle Sherman marched through here on his way to the sea, freein’ the south land from tyranny and singin’ glory hallelujah in eighteen-somethin’-or-other!”
And God looked upon the species he had made, and saw that the earth was exceeding crowded, and he said UNTO them, Let each species compete for what it needeth; for Healthy Competition is My Law. And the species competeth amongst themselves, the cattle and the creeping things, the dogs and the dinosaurs; and some madeth it and some didn’t; and the dogs ate the dinosaurs and God was pleased.
And God took the bones from the dinosaurs, and caused them to appear MIGHTY old; and cast he them about the land and the sea. And he took every tiny CREATURE that had not madeth it, and caused THEM to become fossils; and cast he them about LIKEWISE.
And just to put matters beyond the valley of the shadow of DOUBT, God created carbon dating. And THIS is the origin of species.
NB: The text was copied from a document I typed. The link has slightly different formatting.
EDIT:
NB2: The ‘next chapter’ links do not work. Instead, change the chapter number in the link I posted. i.e., change ‘one’ to ‘two’ and so on.
“It’s very inspiring to be here at the site of the Battle for Wounded Knee. Inspiring and moving to be in the place where Custer fought Dances with Wolves, and we should always be thankful to God for our brave troops who sacrificed so much for our freedom and never forget that many were wounded during the fierce fighting. I explained to my daughter Piper that if a soldier’s statue has one foot off the ground, they wounded their knee during the fighting, and if they have two feet off the ground, they gave their lives defending our country from foreign invaders.”
