Seattle,
“It’s so exciting to be here in the capital of the state founded by our first president. Imagine how different history would have turned out if Chief Seattle had not been convinced by his daughter Sasakajewa to pardon Lewis and Clarke for cutting down the original Space Needle. Ooh! Is the Kurt Cobain?”
“Here at Fort Sumter, where the patriotic South defended their rights with the help of the first Republicans and loyal slaves, the shots were fired that were heard around the world that freedom and rights were going to be defended to the death and they weren’t gonna have big government tell them what to do, by golly! And before the war tore the country apart, Jefferson Davis signed the Appomattox Treaty to preserve the Union and stepped down as president so he could free the slaves”
Monticello, Charlottesville, Virginia:
“When Jimmy Carter builds houses for hundreds of low income black people in Haiti and New York and Australia the lamestream media tries to hold him up like some saint. Well Thomas Jefferson built houses for hundreds of low income black people and unlike Jimmy Carter he built them right in his back yard and still found time to write the Declaration of Allegiance but they call him a racist. And if he hadn’t bought Louisiana the African Americans affected by Katrina would still be in France!”
“I love it here in colonial Williamsburg with the log cabins without electricity or running water just like the hunters and trappers still have back in Alaska. And speaking of hunting, you see right here in these houses that the natives always kept a muzzle-loading M-16 right by the front door so they’d be ready to kill their food, or the British or the wild Indians who wanted to set up death panels for them. So it’s really important to see our history on display here and we can appreciate why the founders of our great nation made sure that “drill baby drill” is right there in the preamble to the Declaration of Independence along with marriage between a man and a woman and prayer in schools.”
Under the state governments, black people enjoyed full employment in privately run programs. But then the federal government decided it had to step in and break up these programs, tell the states what to do, and put all those black people out of work.
Why would she even be in Calgary in the first place? O_o
I’d give this a shot, but boy howdy her voice is so irritating and I can’t not read these in her voice. That and I’d need to be WAY drunkerer to come up with something that’d sound like her.
For health care?
Because Calgary was where Jesus Christ died for the sins of all hard-working Americans, so now we never have to pay a sin tax, or use any syntax?
Kids, this is the mighty Mississouri River that was all built by those patriotic folks whom went west to visit Horace Greely. They made it to keep all those elite liberals from coming out our way to take away our freedoms which is why every year we still flood it to make sure nobody can cross. I don’t know why they threw tea in it, though.
Here at Carhenge, we are in awe of the monument to free enterprise raised by the Ancient Americans, which just goes to show ya why freedom and American automotive know-how will always triumph over socialism and those ramming their gay Darwinist agenda down our throats.
“Piper and I are having a wonderful time here at Houston’s Reagan Space Center. I remember as a little girl watching John Glenn walk on the Moon and his famous last words, “Houston, we have a problem” just before his shuttle blew up. That’s why we don’t let socialist senators fly in space anymore. We can’t wait to see where Astroturf was invented. My friends at FOX can’t say enough about it.”
Gettysburg:
“When Lincoln stood here 47 years after the Civil War and talked to the folks, he thanked the founding fathers for giving us the liberty of rifles and ammo and stuff that allowed us to settle things peaceably. Because ya know, without that freedoms the war might have still been going on like those 100 years wars in Europe between the House of Hooters and the Antagonists.”
“It’s a real honor to be here in Springfield, Illinois, the birthplace of Abraham Lincoln.”
To be fair Spoons, alot of people believe that. Not arguing that Palin should be perpetrating the misinformation.
Lincoln, Nebraska:
“That log cabin must around here somewhere…”
One of the most fun dope threads ever was The Unprepared Essay thread. In this thread I did an “unprepared essay” on the Civil War. I am posting my post below for Sarah’s use. That is, unless, y’all think it’s good enough for me to throw my hat in the ring as a Presidential Candidate for 2012. 
Regardless of what y’all think, read the “Unprepared Essay Thread” cause, well, it’s golden!
Ok, here 'tis
The Civil War
The Civil War was when they had this, you know, war, cept everybody was real polite about it. Instead of shooting or nuking each other’s countries and such, they just stood around and slapped each other on the cheek (face, not the other kind) with white gloves and said stuff like “You, Sir, (or Madame) are a cur!” And sometimes somebody would slap a face kinda hard with the white glove and the person who got his or her face slapped kinda hard would say, “Ow! That hurt!” Then the person who did the slapping would say, like, “Oopsie! Sorry. Didn’t mean to hit that hard,” 'cause the war was all civil and stuff.
What the fuck happened to the America I used to know? Where’s the spirit? Where’s the guts, huh? This could be the greatest nation in history, but you’re gonna let it be the worst. “Ooh, we’re afraid to go with you Sarah, we might get in trouble.” Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I’m not gonna take this. Over? Did you say “over”? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
We gotta take these bastards. Now we could do it with conventional weapons, but that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody’s part!
That’s it! I say A Monkey With a Gun for President in 2012! Are y’all with me are are y’all just a buncha Godless Communists? 
Okay, then, how’s this:
“World War II was an important time in English-American relations. After all, without Teddy Roosevelt’s cooperation, England wouldn’t have had Lend-Lease, which allowed them time to hold on until America entered the war on D-Day. Of course, we had been fighting the Japanese in the Pacific for a while, due to the Japanese attacking Bar Harbor, so we were in practice and ready to liberate Europe from Lenin.”
Way too thoughtful for the Saraccuda.