**Ivanka Trump casually begins introducing herself using married name
Cheesecake Factory waiter who’s correctly called every presidential election since 2012 predicts Johnson win
Holy Bible editorial board endorsement: Clinton is the safe, rational choice
Clinton reflects on campaign: ‘Should’ve had contract with Satan looked at before signing’
From the campaign trail: Trump skullfucks baby seal, lauds FBI director in Dayton**
**Trump, Duterte and Jong-Un revealed to be members of The Brotherhood of Spite
Vince Foster’s ghost summoned by Karl Rove to testify at FBI hearing
Cigar sales increase in anticipation of Bill Clinton’s new class of interns**
Trump denies ever having run for POTUS.
This might not be quite an Onion style headline, since it’s mostly true, but I came up with the following the other day:
FBI Gleaner: Wiener’s Misdemeanor an Election Intervenor!
Trump really a Democrat. His false flag mission: Destroy the Republican Party.
Clinton Foundation will take care of his financial problems.
President Hillary Clinton to appoint “The Donald” as ambassador to Russia. Putin calls foul.
I seem to recall that this was a semi-serious suggestion when he first appeared, that he was basically trolling? (In retrospect, not at all consistent with his personality, of course.)
This is actually going to happen. Watch.
Local Man Tired of Hearing About Johnson and Stein Campaigns
Trump Says If He Loses it Will Be the “Biggest Loss Ever!!!”
Clinton Campaign Promise: “I will Never Use Email Ever Again”
Media Rigging Election to Produce Extended “Contested Election” Saga
Trump to Rename Washington Monument “Trump Monument”: Promises Increased Tourist Visits
Clinton Challenges Trump to Footrace, Possible Armwrestle
Trump Donates Hair to Sick Child With Cancer
78% of Americans Prefer Kardashian Over Both Clinton and Trump
Trump accepts outcome of election, demands recount
Trump selects Bill Clinton as new head of Miss Universe pageant
NSA tasked with developing secure messaging protocol for President Clinton via Snapchat.
Guy responsible for keeping Paul Ryan abreast of Trump gaffes brutally murdered by Paul Ryan
Ethical shopper: Eric Trump on why he only buys free-range homeless to bludgeon during Purge.
Everything Gold Now.
Trumpton Fire Brigade Targeted by Flack Lives Matter
Election Cancelled as independent study shows American People not worth governing - “Just stick 'em in front of the TV” say researchers
Weiner just glad to be making headlines again
**Hillary begins screening list of male White House intern applications **
Not quite Onion flavor, but: Trump Candidacy Reminds Us that While Anybody Can Vote, Not Everybody Should
Jill Stein Wants National Conversation On Oppressive Comedians
Oops, that’s a real one.
TRUMP ran in order to secure Clinton.
Oh, for heavens sakes…
What a maroon.
Well done with the above! I think they capture the style and humor of America’s Finest News Source™ quite well. My contribution:
Reanimated Corpse of William Jennings Bryan Asks Voters, “Are You Better Off Today Than You Were 124 Years Ago?”
I acknowledge that this would work better in an election year with 1) a President running for reelection and 2) more, um, traditional political dynamics (so… in four years?).
Real life keeps generating better headlines than the Onion.
Trump Wins!: Obama orders electoral college arrested.
Hillary Wins!: Trump calls on Americans to assassinate electoral college.
Though this election has already given us real headlines worse than any imagined ones, here are my attempts anyway:
Donald Trump banishes Tiffany Trump to Phantom Zone
Trump tours elementary school for potential future wives
Gary Johnson unable to name country he’s running for president in
Jill Stein using dowsing wand to find undecided voters
Marco Rubio retreats inside cocoon until 2020 election
House GOP subpoena’s Clinton’s Netflix queue
Fox News accuses Obama of anti-Catholic bias after picture surfaces on internet
