Writing your own wedding vows?

[SweetiePotato]

So… my fiance and I are having a small ceremony with friends at the end of October, and he really wants to write his own vows. He’s been married before, and he says that one of his big regrets/red flags about his first marriage was that they did everything “by the book” and it was a big, expensive, wonderful event but that it had no soul to it. So this time he wants a very personal ceremony, custom wedding ring, personal vows, etc.

Meanwhile, this is my first marriage, and I’m a bit terrified at the idea of writing vows. I am an affectionate person in general, and I feel like, anything I would have written in my vows, I have already said to him in person-- how he makes me feel, how special he is to me, what we’ve accomplished together, how I’m looking forward to spending the years with him, etc.

I don’t want to spout out something cliche, or repeat what I’ve told him before. I thought maybe I’d write a poem, but I don’t want to be cheesy.

Have other people written their vows? I know it’s fairly common these days but I don’t think I’ve ever been to a ceremony where this was done. Can you share what you did? Offer some tips? Thanks in advance!

[lance_strongarm]

We did. I made it partly serious and partly funny.

Have fun. Nobody’s going to remember them, including you or your future spouse, unless there are a few really good nuggets of wisdom or funny parts.

[Cold_April]

There are stacks of websites with ideas for vows, no shame in pinching a few but personalising them.

One idea is to ask all your friends and family the reasons why your partner is perfect for you and read them out, which can be funny, revealing, and touching. And then simply finish with something like - ‘And for all these reasons I promise to love you and support you forever.’ But a bit more juice to it than that!

[WhyNot]

Here’s an email I wrote to a friend of mine last year when she asked me the same question. It’s still my best advice on the matter:

Ok, first things to think about: What exactly are you writing? Are you writing the whole ceremony, or just a minute or two where you and Steve will be talking? Are you writing these together or separately? Do you want them to be the same for each of you or do you want to say different things to each other? Do you want the officiant to read them, after which you say “I do” (or something similar), or read them to you a line at a time, after which you repeat them, or do you want to memorize the whole thing and have the officiant step back entirely while you do your thing? These are things to discuss with your officiant before you even start writing. Some people have strong opinions about what works for them (as officiant) and what doesn’t, and there’s no use beginning to write until all three of you are on the same page there.

Once you’ve sorted all that out, you’ll know what sort of work is cut out for you. I suggest from there that you go into a room by yourself and write Steve a letter. Don’t worry about keeping it short, make it as long as you like. Tell him what you love most about him. Tell him what you love most about you now that you’re with him. Tell him what you love about the two of you a couple, not just two individuals. Write down 2 or 3 stories of the two of you together and what you most enjoy about those tales. Write down, maybe in the margins if it doesn’t fit in the letter itself, any song lyrics, poems, quotes or sayings that pop into your head while you’re writing the letter. Don’t worry about being exposed, my dear Scorpio, because here’s the secret: you don’t actually have to show it to him, ever, if you don’t want to (although it would make a hell of a great wedding or anniversary gift someday!) The idea is just to get the words flowing and make them about you and your love.

Then, put the letter away and go to sleep. Work on the details another day.

When you feel ready, take the letter out again and read it. Then go to the website I linked below and follow the directions from there. It’s a great help for getting more ideas and even something of your formatting options, but I really really want you to write that letter first, so you know what you feel and what you love about the two of you, and let THAT be the primary focus and your guide. If you do that, you can keep it simple and be yourself, and that’s always nice. This is the part you can do with Steve if you want to work on them together.

And above all, try not to stress about it. Wedding vows are this huge cloud that tends to hang over most people’s heads, and they want them to be utterly perfect but, you know what? It doesn’t matter. It’s a ceremony, it’s not your marriage. You guys are ALREADY married in spirit and in the eyes of the Divine. I see it when I look at you, I just know it to be true. You’ve already said your real vows to each other, a hundred times in your daily life, just try to remember what they are and say them again.

What you’re planning now is just a party, it’s not a big deal. It’s going to be lovely, and it’s going to be wonderful, no matter what you say or don’t say. If worse comes to worst and you just have no idea what to write, there are plenty of fill-in-the-blank formulas you can find online at the last minute. It honestly doesn’t matter what you say in those 10 minutes in front of your family and friends, it matters far more what you say and what you do for each other every single day.

http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-ceremony/articles/20-tips-for-writing-your-own-wedding-vows.aspx

Only, um, you probably want to ponder on your own partner. Steve’s a great guy, but he’s already married.

[scootergirl]

My advice is to keep it short, funny, witty and warm. Perhaps add something in there - an encoded message that only he will understand.This will bring something really special to your vows because it will be just between you and your guy. It won’t matter that your families and guests won’t understand … it’s what will make your vows unique and not cliche. Gladly, and perhaps sadly, too, I will never be married again. I love my boyfriend with all of my heart, but I just don’t see it happening.
Have a wonderful wedding, and most importantly - a happy life together

[Sattua]

The only person who wrote their own vows and who I’ve discussed it with later (in this case, twenty years after the marriage) regretted not using the standard English Book of Common Prayer vows… but he’s a weirdo and the most exasperating kind of Anglophile.

My husband and I re-wrote the Book of Common prayer vows to remove overtly Christian stuff (some references to god couldn’t be expurged), and I think the result was lovely. It was short, sweet, to the point. Our ceremony lasted about five minutes. People say it’s the best wedding they’ve ever been to.