If the son-in-law has such a very fragile ego that he’s upset by someone else buying dinner for his family than he has problems that go deeper than cheeseburgers. If the son-in-law would like to establish a different tradition, great, but he needs to work that out with his wife ahead of time and be gracious about it: “Thanks so much for offering, Mott, but this year I’m going to make turkey for the family at home. It was my family’s tradition when we were growing up.”
If he was, in fact, a guest (the OP was unclear), he was a guest in his SIL and daughter’s home. Your entire post leads me to believe that you feel Mott’s daughter should have no say in the matter. It sounded to me as if you’re saying Mott’s daughter should cook and serve dinner and keep her mouth shut. Am I reading too much into your post?
If the SIL had strong objections to the ‘tradition’, instead of embarrassing his wife/children/in-laws in public, the adult thing to do would have been to discuss it with his wife ahead of time and come up with an alternative plan and/or compromise. If she refused to compromise, then he had plenty of options (such as staying at home or visiting his family by himself) other than acting like a child.
What kind of excuse is this? Wouldn’t it be more responsible for the father to pass up the free meal than to set this type of behavioral example for his children?
You reminded me of my ex-brother-in-law. He was a complete ass.
One year, Mr. Congo and I drove all the way across Massachusetts to Hyannis to pick up my sister and the ass for Christmas. To thank us for going out there, my sister took us to a really nice restaurant for lunch. The b-i-l was a jerk to the waiter, made fun of what the rest of us ordered and harrassed the cook. His problem was that he wanted the biggest burger on the menu and it was to be cooked to his specifications (the redder, the better). After fighting with the waiter and cook, he finally got what he wanted. That night, he ate the same thing for dinner.
His Christmas gift that year… a wicked case of food poisoning. 
Sometimes, the assholes of the world get what they deserve.
Your son in law will get his payback eventually and I only hope that you’re there to witness it.
I gotta side with Mott on this one. It’s up to the son in law to accept the Christmas traditions of the family he’s marrying into, if that means that everybody goes out for Christmas dinner, then so be it. When he gets older, he’ll inherit the right to set new traditions. If the restaurant could have been better, then perhaps for next year’s event son in law could suggest an alternate location, and if the difference in price is too much then he might offer to go in on the check. Repeatedly sending food back and then demanding a refund on something that you didn’t pay for is pretty intolerable- I think a good judge of a person’s character is how he treats waiters and the like. The good news is that you have nearly a year to figure out a better solution for the 2004 dinner.
Ugh … flaming be damned, I’ve gotta side with Nametag and Lynn on this one … and definately against BobLibDem.
>>It’s up to the son in law to accept the
>>Christmas traditions of the family he’s
>>marrying into, if that means that
>>everybody goes out for Christmas
>>dinner, then so be it. When he gets
>>older, he’ll inherit the right to set new
>>traditions.
Now come on … be reasonable! This just isn’t fair. At what point does one become “old enough” to inherit the right to set new traditions! It’s bullshit! My parents taught me that when you marry, you and your spouse create your OWN traditions. If my tradition is to dance naked at midnight under the moon … then, by god, my parents AND his parents will respect it … they don’t have to participate but they’ll respect my traditions.
I can see both sides of this issue … the SIL shouldn’t have acted like an ass … but on the other hand … perhaps he’s sick and tired of being drug out of his house on Christmas night!
>>If the son-in-law has such a very fragile
>>ego that he’s upset by someone else
>>buying dinner for his family than he has
>>problems that go deeper than cheeseburgers.
This isn’t fair either … a man has a right to some pride. If he can’t afford to take everyone out for dinner (and the OP didn’t mention just how many people we’re talking about here), then perhaps it’s humiliating for his FIL to do this every year. Look at it from the SIL’s perspective … maybe from his point of view, his FIL has fucked up his holidays for YEARS.
To play the devil’s advocate, the daughter and SIL need to talk about this situation before next year’s fiasco. What does HE want do with HIS family? And, for the person who said we’re forcing the wife into cooking a big dinner … there’s lots of alternatives. Would he rather order pizza in? Could they pick up a meat/cheese tray at the local Save-a-Lot and have sandwiches? Could they put a couple trays of frozen lasagna in the oven? I mean, common … this family’s in desparate need of communication!!!
Without commenting on the OP’s situation in particular, this seems rather arbitrary to me. Why isn’t it the daughter-in-law’s responsibility to accept the Christmas traditions of the family SHE’S marrying into? Is it some sort of chivalry thing?
It’s not a chivalrous thing, it’s generational respect. The father raised his family and the young man marries into it- the original family traditions continue with the new members. When the son in law is older, he’ll be the family patriarch and he’ll get to have traditions of his own that he’ll want his sons in law to celebrate with him. So he has to out to dinner with his in laws- he still can celebrate with his parents and siblings and he still has his own new family that he can establish his new traditions with. It doesn’t seem much to ask to receive a free meal without complaint.
Sure, every person has a right to some pride. But if letting your father-in-law pay for his grandkids’ dinner once a year humiliates you, then you’ve got too damn much pride.
The son-in-law has every right to establish a new tradition with his family. He has no right to act like a spoiled brat in the meantime. If his father-in-law has “fucked up the holiday for years,” then he needs to take some positive action, not pull this passive-aggressive bullshit.
This brings back memories for me also. My ex-stepfather was the same kind of control freak, agressive behavior type butthead. It was incredibly embarassing whenever we went out for dinner. It took a while, but my mother finally saw him for the asshole he was, and ditched him. Why people behave like this is beyond me. I hope the cook made his “dry” burger a wet one with a nice loogie.
Yes, but you haven’t answered my question; I’m genuinely confused here. Why can’t I replace “man” with “woman,” “his” with “her,” and “son” with “daughter” in the statement above and have it still be equally valid?
Y’know, even if Mott is every bit the control freak that Nametag is desperate to paint him, SiL is an asshole.
The point at which a mature person objects to a tradition or an event is before the event, expressed openly. Whining about distance and the “bad part” of town and similar complaints, rather than declaring a preferred activity, is simply childish. Sending two separate burgers back to the kitchen is childish. Demanding money back that one has not spent is not only childish but dishonest.
If SiL has such a problem with his “dominating” FiL, then he needs to grow a pair of cojones and discuss the issue (with or without the presence of the wives, depending on how the family dynamics work). Being a rat bastard to some poor restaurant workers does not qualify as a legitimate revolt against an overbearing in-law.
Thanks for all the input!
This Xmas Dinner was the Saturday after Xmas.My Daughter and
her Family live a mile from my SIL’s mom.They spend Xmas day
and Dinner with his Mom and my wife and I have attended when
invited. The “Tradition” is I buy Dinner for Everyone. (or Lunch)
As I recall previous meals-out…My SIL seems to have Food-issues. He’s extremely Picky,shows his displeasure at every opportunity.He has worked in a Restuarant so he Claims to Know
everything thats going on in the Kitchen.Look,I am a very easy
going guy.I am no stiff-lipped,liquer-nipping tyrant. I am just a dad
who sees his daughter over-whelmed by a Toddler and a Baby.
Even when we Dine,my daughter tends to the childrens needs.
I know she is happy to get out for alittle while.
The Previous Time we had Dined out their were Problems too.
My SIL offerred to leave the Tip,however,because he didn’t like
the waitress (he said so) he stiffed her on the tip. I kept a quite
eye on what was happening and left a Tip (out of his sight).
I think there are some deep seeded personal issues on the “defend to the death” twist some ::cough cough:: are spinning on the side of the SIL.
We’re talking about a family get-together for a family based holiday. I’ve gone to restaurants I don’t truly care for before in the name of family but I’m able to find SOMETHING there I can eat. After all, it isn’t my last meal on earth. Then again, I don’t have some Rainman “uh oh, 20 minutes to Wapner” kind of issues some people seem to be venting about control and their in-laws.
If someone feels they are being “forced” to adhere to the will of their “overbearing” FIL, they could choose a better time and place to make their last stand. Behaving like an asshole on a holiday should be left to drunks and the mentally ill. Being an asshole in a restaurant where you intend to eat makes you ultra stupid because that extra creamy stuff isn’t mayo, I can assure you of that.
Just a note on the traditions thing: For whatever reason, in general American culture, it is women who carry the traditions. When a couple marries, it is the woman’s traditions that get handed down, and the man’s are generally left behind, unless there is something that he feels strongly enough about to insist on. This is particularly true at Christmas.
It creates a kind of catch-22. Women do most of the “work” at Christmastime - shopping, wrapping, decorating, cooking, sending cards, arranging social events, etc. Most women I know complain that their husbands do so little at this time of year. However, these women do what they learned from their families. Husbands, when asked, will often say they don’t do anything because they don’t get to do any of the things that were meaningful from their own childhood. So it kind of becomes a circle. He doesn’t do anything because everything is her tradition, everything is her tradition because he doesn’t do anything.
So, it isn’t really fair, or rational, but it is the case that usually men drop their own traditions and marry into someone else’s.
Bringing this back on topic: SIL behaved like a jerk. (Tomndebb, as usual, nailed it.) Moreover, it sounds like they spent Christmas at his mother’s house, following whatever traditions his family has. So he can graciously go out to eat with FIL and family without causing a scene, especially since this is several days after Christmas. If he can’t handle it, he should stay home.
I absolutely seethe when somebody makes a scene at a restaurant. I want to crawl out of my skin when someone in my party is less than polite or condescending to waitstaff. Of course you should send back your food if it’s incorrect to the point of being unappetizing. Food and control issues…ugh!
Sure, Leaper. The OP didn’t say so, but I have to assume that there is also some sort of Christmas event with the other side too. Son-in-law’s parents must have a party or dinner, and daughter has to go to that too. Maybe they cook a turkey at home, maybe they have a brunch, whatever. Whatever that side’s parents do, then their kids and spouses do.
my family and my husband’s family have very different traditions. why should either family have to change what they do because of our marriage? its ridiculous! when we are with his family we do what they have always done and when we are with mine, ditto.
you can work around these things, if everyone acts like an adult. even number years, we spend the actual holiday day with my family, and the odd year with the inlaws, (they are odd after all – just kidding).
it seems to me, if this son in law had issues with going out to eat, well, he could have offered to buy the food and do the cooking. i don’t know, of course, but the impression i get is the man in question would be the type to insist that holidays are to be spent at home and the little woman should be in there cooking while he sits on his butt in the recliner in the living room getting red faced over a sporting event on the television.
bottom line, the meal out was a gift and should be accepted gracefully. if dad bought him a shirt in the wrong color or to small, you smile and say thank you. end of story
Wow, this was the exact opposite when I was growing up. My dad’s side of the family kept the traditions going. My mom did little Christmas shopping—that was a terrifying thought. The few times she did, she bought all of us weird-ass shit and crackpot useless nonsense.
When my sisters and I were in our teens, my dad drafted us to do “Mom’s” Christmas shopping. It was bizarre. He’d give us money, give us his Christmas list, and we’d buy him gifts that were wrapped up and labeled as being from our mother. She was okay with this. She knew full well that she sucked at giving Christmas gifts. (Following a Christmas list was beyond comprehension.) I don’t know who did “Mom’s” Christmas shopping before that. Perhaps it was my dad’s sisters (the aunties).
Sorry for that little hijack, but 'tis the season and I just had to go down memory lane…
Totally agreed. Unless the OP completely fabricated the story (which I highly doubt) there is no way that SIL comes out as anything other than an ass. If you have problems, you tell the people who you feel are the source of your problems. You don’t take it out on hapless restaurant workers.
Sounds to me that SIL, rather than being a Grinch, is just a guy without restaurant manners. Overly picky about food, overly demanding of the staff, overly offended when things aren’t just so. Gah, I hate people like that.
Good luck Mott, you’ll be dining with this guy for decades, I feel for ya, man.
You didn’t answer Irish Rogue’s question, so I’ll repeat it. How much “older” does SIL have to get? He’s old enough to get married, so why isn’t he old enough to get respect in his own home?
I made it very clear to MamaRilch from the start that she was not even to think about pushing Mr. Rilch around. She had not had Mr. Rilch from birth, to dominate and beat down and bend to her will, as she’d done with me, and if she pushed and he pushed back, well, “Forsaking all others, Mom. Like you always told Dad when his mom tried to throw her weight around.” Their rules in their house, fine, but in the Rilch household, it was our rules.
It’s worked so far.
Note: I’m not accusing Mott of having thrown his weight around in this instance; I just don’t care for BobLibDem’s “old enough” jazz.