Yeah, I have a recommendation: drown your children and shoot yourself. Thanks!

The BBQ Pit
1

Customer: Can you recommend a movie for a bunch of 15-old-boys? My son has some friends over. Something they’ll like, but no nudity or violence. Also, my 8-old-daughter will be watching it with them.

Me: (Inner voice: Lady, your son comes in here without you and rents nothing but torture porn and “unrated titty” comedies.) *Nacho Libre? Hoot? Duma? The Guardian? Epic Movie? *[and another dozen widely varied suggestions.]

Customer: [Variations on “seen it” and “he probably wouldn’t like that”; rejects all suggestions.]

Me: Star Wars? Jaws? Goldfinger?

Customer: Anything new?

Me: Get out.

Customer: Can you recommend something?

Me: What kind of thing are you looking for?

Customer: Oh, anything!

Me: Children of Men is good.

Customer: Oh, I don’t like scifi.

Me: Well, what *are *you looking for?

Customer: Oh, anything!

Me: Get out.

Customer: Do you have any second-tier recommendations?

Me: What do you mean?

Customer: Oh, you know, if I’ve already seen the movies you usually recommend, what should I watch next?

Me: Well, there’s the AFI display—

Customer: No, a new release!

Me: *This *section is all recent indie and foreign films that we feel are worthy of notice.

Customer: Which one?

Me: All of them.

Customer: Which one do you recommend?

Me: What kind of thing are you looking for?

Customer: Oh, anything!

Me: The Bridge is good. Old Joy. The Proposition.

Customer: I want something light!

Me: Incident at Loch Ness. Wordplay. The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill.

Customer: Anything else?

Me: Get out.

Customer: Which of these movies should I watch? [lays out *The Holiday, A Good Year, *and Failure to Launch]

Me: Get out.

Customer: Which of these movies should I watch? [lays out Beer League, The Breed, and Fatal Contact: Bird Flu in America]

Me: Get out.

Customer: Are you out of The Simpsons Movie?

Me: It’s not out yet.

Customer: But I saw it on the Internet!

Me: Get out.

2

So what did you actually say?

3

Do you have Get Out of Town?

How about For God’s Sake, Get Out?

4

The above scenarios are composites of conversations I have with customers a dozen times a night; each one ends differently.

Usually I find a way to figure out what they *do *want, despite their efforts to the contrary. Occasionally I just give up and tell them to look for the “Staff Recommends” signs. When in doubt, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.

5

Well, I almost never ask staff to pick out a movie for me, although I’ll sometimes casually ask their opinion of something they’re restocking.

But I do applaud your choice of KKBB. I’m a big fan of snappy dialogue.

6

I said no sex and no violence. :mad:

:wink:

7

My personal favourite when standing in line at the local Blockbuster - “Maaaaate, do you have that movie with that guy from a movie last year with the hair and eyes?” WTF?

8

I had a friend who worked at a small movie store. They had a strict policy of not making movie recommendations to customers. At the time I thought it was a bit frustrating and unnecessary but now I can totally understand why.

9

One of the reasons I have not yet signed up for Netflix is that I can walk into my local Family Video and ask, “What’s that movie about snakes on a plane?” and the nice young man will respond, “Oh, you mean Snakes On A Plane?” without pointing and laughing.

Some of us genuinely need your help, see… :smiley:

10

Ooooh. Navy Seals.

11

Not only that, it’s got a gay person in it. Well, IIRC he doesn’t really do anything gay, but it’s still clear he’s gay. I mean, doesn’t everyone in the movie call him “Gay Something or Other”? So, do you have something without gays in it? Like, say, 300?

12

You must know, he was in that other thing with that blonde haired woman.

13

Yeah, I like movie rental places with a good selection, but I hate this kind of attitude. The store that I go to is notorious for that. Ridiculing me when I am returning “Dawson’s Creek” is NOT the best way to part me from my money, fool.

14

Nah, he’s knee-deep in pussy. He just loves the name so much he can’t get rid of it.

15

:: raises eyebrows, rattles DVD case in the air ::

So what’s your policy on complaints? A couple weeks ago some guy at your store recommended Shooter and now I’d like my five bucks back . . . :wink:

16

So, if I came into your store and asked for your recommendation for the gayest, violentest, sexiest movie you know of, what would your recommendation be? :smiley:

I’m starting to think that there are a lot of people in the world who should just give up on movies and sit around reading their bible. Although there is a lot of sex, violence, and gayness in that, too. I guess they can only sit around. Doing nothing.

(DellieM, they’re obviously asking for “Casino Royale.” Even if they aren’t, I would make that my stock recommendation. Forever. For everything.)

17

I believe this is what you’re looking for, ma’am.

18

Hey, what was that movie with the serial killer and…I think it had Ashley Judd or Angelina Jolie in it, and maybe one of those black guys with the deep voice, like Lawrence Fishburn or Morgan Freeman. Do you know which film that is?

Oh, and nice to see all the Kiss Kiss Bang Bang fans here; I worry that nobody ever saw this film. “I shot him with a small gun I keep near my balls.” That should be the universal recommendation any time someone comes in and says, “Uhhhhh…I’m looking for a movie…what do you recommend?”

Stranger

19

300

20

A guy wanted a refund because he “didn’t like” The Aristocrats. Unfortunately, he demanded it of the meek fraidy little girl who used to work here, and he got it.