Yeah, I'm pretty much an idiot, yes?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
241

The older I get the more I like hanging out in bars with other guys talking shop, or sports or politics or whatever. Even when I was single, by the time I hit my 30s chasing skirt wasn’t what I wanted to do in a bar.

I met a lot of my dates etc through my various hobbies, and sometimes as an extension of work functions & events. I think you’re self-employed, which (as I know from personal experience) can limit your work-related exposure to people. But you must have hobbies, and friends via your hobbies right? Not that I’d recommend shifting the focus of hobby get-togethers from ‘hobby’ to ‘chicks’, but at the very least you can figure that you’ll share a mutual hobby with your potential mate <g>

242

The disgruntled feeling is good- reflect on it long and hard because sadly, it is the logical outcome for the person who sets him or herself up as the Rescuer in other people’s dramas. You’ve presented yourself to these women as this person to be leaned on and needed and to always be there to listen to all their dramas and that’s precisely what you’ve got. Don’t be surprised you’ve got nothing more. This approach really only attracts people who have no qualms about endlessly taking in the first place. If it helps, think of your emotions/ involvement here like $$. You’ve done the equivalent of pressing hundreds of dollars into their hands and feel mad they’ve just shamelessly taken it. This is one of looking at it, of course -these ungrateful cows! After all you’ve done! etc, etc. But honestly - most people feel uneasy about excessive gifts, emotional or otherwise and your current behaviour is therefore screening out the people who’d be good for you - the ones who’d recognise your excessive emotional gifts are unhealthy for them and you.
(There’s probably a better metaphor out there for this that didn’t make all that sound like prostitution but I couldn’t think of one, sorry.)

I do sympathise, honest. This impulse is in me too. It can feel all kinds of awesome to be needed by someone so badly. But honestly, take a good hard look at this behaviour - not only does it cause the resentment you feel now but what’s really the best that can ever happen? If your relationship is based on your partner needing you utterly, this means you’ll have a massive motive for subconsciously keeping them miserable/sick/drunk/mad.

In personal experience (and reading up on it), Rescuers tend to be like they are because they think people will only be with them because they need them, not because anyone would ever want them. And therefore it attracts super self absorbed people who don’t notice (or care) that the person they’re endlessly yakking to doesn’t ever really share much of him or herself as a person. So the Resucer approach seems ideal for the person who’s scared of opening up about themselves. but, as you’ve found out, sooner or later you realise that you kind of do want your crush to be interested in you after all and resentment sets in.

I urge you to go back over the thread and listen to the good advice about cutting yourself off from these people. If they fuck things up in their lives, then that’s a shame but a), as others have said - you’re not their therapist, and you cannot live their lives for them. But b) you need to recognise that with a liking for their Crazy, you are probably the very last thing they need in their lives. I think the best thing for all of you would be to leave them to get on wirh your lives well away from each other. You’re a nice looking guy who from your posts here seems perfectly decent boyfriend material. Stop hanging around the bars and meet new people. And save the deep devotion for the people who show you kindness back.

243

^^^What she said.

244

Thanks for the thoughtful post, Promethea; I never really did think about the possibility that I might be essentially enabling them to continue in whatever negative that put them into the Crazy category in the first place.

I am going to stay away from bars more often, and I’m bidding on a project that would keep me busy for a few weeks anyway, so hopefully I’ll land it and have a good excuse to disappear from the bar scene entirely for a while.

245

Ah, the “boil my rabbit” thing is a reference to the psychotic Glenn Close character in Fatal Attraction.

246

So now we’ve moved beyond stealth bragging into downright pretentious “look at how intellectual I am!!!” bragging.

:rolleyes:

247

Or he could be you know, being factual.

248

After reading about the ongoing drama in this thread, ‘intellectual’ is not exactly the first word I would associate with the current Cuckoorex :stuck_out_tongue:

(er, no offense, Cuckoorex…)

249

Are you fucking kidding me? What am I supposed to write, “Me Og, me like fucky-fuck?” You’re bound and determined to find fault with me no matter *what *I say, aren’t you? Once you got it in your head that I was “stealth bragging” you see nothing else. Once again, I have to ask; why in the world would I care to impress you?

Oh, wait, now I’ve used italics for emphasis, I must be moving on to super-pretentious “look at my ability to stress certain words for emphasis” bragging. Please, if anyone is “stealth-bragging” in this thread, it’s people like *you *who think you’re oh-so-smart for catching out the “stealth braggers” among us. Actually if you want, I’ll start another thread that really is stealth bragging about something and you can use that one to impress everyone with your wit and insight. Because why else would you post anything in this thread? If you thought I was stealth-bragging before, why wouldn’t you just say “the hell with that” and move on? I think it’s because you think you’re impressing everyone yourself…hell, you’re stealth-bragging! Shit, I didn’t see it before! I am *very *impressed with you, OK? But you’re not psychic, you’re not a psychologist (as far as I know) and you’re not right. (using a rolling eyes smiley didn’t help your cause, by the way) No one made you read the thread. So go get your voyeuristic jollies in some other thread, please.

Meanwhile, there are people here like Promethea who actually have something thoughtful and useful to add to the discussion. I appreciate those posts and I thank those who are offering real advice.

250

For the very few who might be interested; Lauren is a dead-end, as many of you have already pointed out. I do tend to want to be the “savior” or whatever, but she’s pretty far gone. She DOES seem to value my friendship, and treats me as a confidant, but she has said three times now how she knows that she’s pretty fucked up. I’m OK with being her friend, but it just really messed with my head with the previous makeout sessions and all. And I do think she’s hot, so I need to take some time off from her first, or I’m going to be all screwed up when it comes to her. Oh, and by the way, I ended up going to a strip club with Lauren, Martin, and another guy the other night, to celebrate Martin going back to Germany. If it weren’t for the tits on display, it would have been VERY awkward. As it was, Martin spent most of the time getting high in the parking lot and Lauren kept going to look for him, and I just pretty much stared at the dancers. This is kind of where I realized that Lauren is at best friend material.

Ashley is really a free spirit, almost a modern hippie-chick. She’s dating fairly often but no one seriously, including me. It’s probably for the best anyway. I have no idea what her friends and my friends would have to say to each other.

I almost wasn’t going to post anything more, because I doubt anyone would believe it, since there is a strong coalition of posters who apparently think I’m full of shit, but there’s *another *woman recently introduced into this drama (call her Mary), same age as Lauren, *no *kids, *not *married or divorced, and she’s very fun to be around, but it’s way too early to tell if she’s just having fun or looking for something more. Lauren, despite her obvious issues, seems more mature in some ways, probably from having children, while Mary seems more of a party girl. Still, Mary at least asks me questions about myself, whereas Lauren was always about herself.

I got some advice tonight from a couple I have been friends with for a while. This is something that I already kind of knew, but needed to be reminded of; “Be the best person you can be, and wait for the one who will have a fetish for who you are.” The fetish part threw me off at first, but really what it means to me is this; everyone has their own quirks, their own idiosyncratic tendencies, and these are the things that make us unique, and further, they are the things that select people may be drawn to. One of my favorite quotes is from Francis Bacon: “There is no excellent beauty that has not some strangeness to the proportion.” (or something like that) So the point is to be true to one’s self, and let the quirks show through, and basically stop trying so hard.

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Oh, and I have to add that I REALLY wanted to stick it to Lauren at one point at the strip club, when she said she thought it was pathetic that guys would pay for something they could get for free…I started to explain, but then said, “nevermind,” but what I really wanted to say was, “At least *they *aren’t cheating on their spouses.” (Those keeping up with the thread will get the full meaning there.)

Yeah, starting to feel some resentment. Need to take time off from Lauren for sure.

252

Uh…LOONG thread, but I read most of it…skimmed a bit. Here is what I (a woman) have concluded, for whatever it’s worth:

Ok, Cuckoorex, look, grow a pair. Seriously. These women are USING you for a friend, shoulder to cry on/ear to bitch into, male body to make the men they are really sexually interested in jealous, etc…

You have all these potential sexual partners and NO actual action. Clue #1. (I was getting frustrated just reading about it :smack:)

Those (if any of the current lot) who aren’t out to use you are waiting for YOU to man up and fucking BUST A MOVE, man! Ask her out, KISS her, be crystal clear about your intentions. Not a rude, crude come on on the first date, but when the time is right (2-3 dates maybe?) make a move.

You are a MAN of 40-something, not a little boy in jr high. You are a man with needs and maturity and the reasonable expectation of having those needs (both physical and emotional) met, damn-it. Do NOT settle for less from now on. Be blunt and demand clarification: are we friends or potential lovers or what?

I empathize with your history…I myself didn’t date until later in life (18-19) and only had a few before I met the man I ended up with for 23 yrs. (he died a few yrs ago). We hit it off immediately and went from meeting to mating for life very quickly (No regrets) and as a result, I feel pretty damned awkward with the whole dating thing. :o

As a 44 yr old widow with 2 kids, returning college student and hence unemployed, I gotta say, I was a bit offended by the assumption some here made that any such single parent woman, unemployed, no less, MUST be looking for a “sugar daddy” and is to be avoided on principle…screw y’all…I am, at this point, not actively looking for anything, but if I were, it would be for a male companion/friend/sex partner…my kids don’t need a daddy, they HAVE one, thanks. And I don’t need someone to support me…I do that fine on my own, thanks again.

Anyway, just my take…you ARE a nice guy. TOO nice when it comes to this sort of thing. Stay nice but become more assertive and bust a move and claim something/one when the opportunity arises. The worst that can happen is they reject you, but it seems they already ARE; at least this way, you will force them into being clear and honest about the relationship and not leading you on/using you. Good luck. :slight_smile:

253

Thanks, and you’re right (except I’m not in the 40s yet, don’t rush me!) that I need to ask for some definitions at some point. Another thing that came out on the strip club trip; Lauren’s been answering Craigslist casual encounters ads, and sending pictures of herself to random people…I commented that I must be missing out, and she said, “I’d rather you not know what I look like naked, it would make our hikes together awkward.” So that tells me right there that there is ZERO chance that she’s looking for more than someone to be the straight equivalent of the Gay Friend (no offense meant to gay guys) and the chances of me ever getting past the occasional handjob are pretty slim. Like I said before, I accept that, and Crom knows I’ve been filling that role for others, but throw me a bone once in a while, dammit! I’m not expecting lifelong committment or even a full-on anything, but as of now, she isn’t even kissing me anymore. So yeah, taking a break from her for a while.

In other (weird) news, the other night, I ran into a girl who apparently thought I was her brother or something; she came out of the bathroom, obviously having enjoyed some cocktails, and squealed when she saw me and ran to me, with hugs and kisses and all that, and asked me, “How is Grandma doing?” It took me a second or two to process the question and I replied, “Well, she’s still kicking ass!” and then the girl said, “fuck yeah!” and gave me a quick kiss and ran off. I have NO idea who this girl was. Like I said, I think she thought I was someone else, maybe brother is pushing it, but I don’t remember talking to ANYONE about my Grandma, so it must be mistaken identity. The only possibility is that she was the girl I walked home a week or so ago and let her cry on my shoulder a while outside her apartment; I might have said something about family to her, though I don’t recall anything specific.

254

Okay, I have been lurking this thread for a while, but I’m giving up.

I am not in your immediate age group, I have not dated in a couple of decades, and I don’t hang out in bars anymore, but one thing is very clear to me.

You’re clueless.

A cute woman pretty much asks you for a date, and you set up a date with another woman in her bar, and then leave with another one (who sounds a bit low rent) a few days later. So, you decide Ashley isn’t interested in you.

No, you told Ashley you were not interested in her.

A old heart throb calls you up and suggests a date; instead of saying, “How about Wednesay?”, you say yeah, whatever, whenever, and decide she is not interested in you.

No, you told her you were not interested in her.

In the mean time, you are wandering out with women who dump you for stray bikers and … what is that? Take you to strip clubs?

No, no decent woman will date you and go home with you and have a nice relationship, because you, apparently, have no interest in decent women.

And Lauren probably means that she doesn’t jump on every guy that comes through the door, but until promises are made and rings are exchanged, she is a free agent and can keep her eyes open, just as Martin probably is.

Honestly, you are just clueless.

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Two things - stop hanging out with Lauren (she doesn’t even sound like good friend material; seriously, demand better of people in your life), and just ask Mary out on a proper date (that doesn’t involve a bar or drinking) - no over-thinking it. If she can’t act like a mature woman on a normal date, then you’d have no future with her, and better to know that sooner than later. If you’ve only seen her in bars (which I don’t know), you may not have seen all sides of her.

256

I know you’re probably right in just about all you’ve written. I know I still have some sort of chance with the Hearthtrob (sorry, forgot the fake name) because just a day or two ago I talked to her and she’s still single and re-adjusting to life in town, so there is some kind of window there.

Lauren, I think, WANTS to have a true friend, AND a mate, some sort of sugar daddy, and as much as it frustrates me, I’m likely to be the friend again. I most likely will end up in that role, and I’ll adapt to it. It just really, really messed with my head when she got more intimate with me; I really thought that meant more than casual fun, but I guess not.

257

I’m thinking that is good advice, and thinking it more and more. I really need to find a new way to meet people besides bars, and one thing I thought about (and yeah, it’s metrosexual but who cares) is dance lessons. I think I’m going to try that out (I know some instructors personally, and they’re very good as far as I can tell) and maybe ask Mary or Heartthrob if she’d like to take some dance lessons with me. I just really need to get away from the bar scene, I think.

258

Forget the window! Either ask her out or move on. You’re acting like this is a game, just make a freaking decision.

You mean nothing to her. Move on.

259

Aaaand, who the bumbaclaat is Mary? I quit this shit. I can’t keep up, and my Team Ashley tshirt is already out of style.

260

Believe this.

Mary is teh new hawtness. I’m pulling for Mary at this point.