I was sick today and so I stayed home from work and my mom came over to keep me company and help me clean house. This was really nice of her, I thought. I mean… there are some things that even my best friends know sucks too bad to help me out with, and cleaning my apartment is definately one of those things.
So after we clean, we head out to Applebees where my mom goes off on a Jesus tirade. sigh Okay, mom… I know you love Jesus and I’m very, very happy for you but does he have to be present at EVERY conversation we have!!!
So bad leads to worse and I find myself listening to a once rational woman talk about how “The Lord Never Gives You More Than You Can Handle.” Now I try to be accomidating and just smile and nod and try to ignore the fact that my mom has never faced cancer or starvation or her friends or family blowing up in a big ball of flame that was once a building… but what the hell, maybe she’s got a point here somewhere.
"I’m pretty sure that God doesn’t put Tommy (my ex-stepdad) back into my life because he realizes that I just couldn’t handle it. I mean… last night I had a dream that Tommy tried to take me back but I said, “No… I can’t. Jerry would be hurt and he’s really good to me.”
WTF?!?!?!?! This is the man that casually stole her only daughters innocence in her own fucking house on her own goddamned couch for YEARS and she turns him down because her new husband would be HURT?!?!
How the fuck do you think I’d feel mom?!
If someone spent countless nights with his hand down your pajamas while you were supposed to be asleep tried to take me back, his proposal would be met with a goddamn hand gun.
So thank you mom for being so fucking honest with me. And fuck you for making me feel just as worthless as I did through the majority of my childhood.
Thank you for being so fucking sensitive. I’m sure Jesus appreciates it too.
Fuck.
Not to sound unsympathetic but it sounds like
you need to set some limits with your mom.
It was probably very comforting to have her
help you clean when you were sick-but sheez,
look at the trade off. You then felt you had
to be polite throughout her religious spiel.
I’m not suggesting you tell her off-but you
know how to get subjects dropped, I’m sure.
(Except that it’s next to impossible to bring
yourself to when you feel obligated.)
Pretty rotten of her to bring up your step-dad
like that. Sure, you can’t help what you dream,
but you can help what comes out of your mouth.
It’s extemely pathetic to me that she is in such
denial over the havoc that has gone on in your
life.
That being said- its not dishonoring her as your
mother to only see her once a month if you just
can’t deal with it. And certainly if she’s like
that often no one would blame you.
wow.
very insightful, Romana.
Remind me next time I have a problem to come to you.
I agree with every word. Set limits, even if that includes limiting your time with Mum.
And on a side note…I’ll join in on a lunch mob to get Tommy, I’ve got a sledgehammer.
Malkavia, my sweet… all sympathies. I never grow accustomed to the depressing number of mothers who put their men before their children.
Don’t own it. It’s not about you, and it is not a reflection of you. It is a reflection of your mother’s weakness and inadequacy. I say this not to encourage or discourage forgiveness, but only understanding: before she’s your mom, she’s a fucked up human being with shit of her own to deal with.
I hope you are dealing with the shit she left you to deal with. I’ve so been there, so done that…
Sounds like your mom has a pretty confused set of priorities. Mothers can be really difficult to deal with when they get over the line. They do or say something that you know, objectively, is terrible. But because they (sometimes unconsciously) know how to push all the buttons, you end up feeling guilty.
I don’t really know what to tell you about that but, with respect to your ex-step father you may have more power than you think. I, of course, don’t know your history or how old you are or where you live or if your ex-step-father was ever prosecuted for what he did. However, in some states, including California, the statute of limitations on a sex crime doesn’t begin to run until the victim turns 18. (In some cases, there is effectively no statute of limitations.) What this means is that you may still be able still go to the police and have your ex-step-father prosecuted.
You need to do whatever is best for your long-term well-being. But it’s always nice to have power when dealing with a situation like yours, even if you choose not to use it.
My sympathies are with you. Next time you get sick, tough it out without her. I had a friend whose mother changed religions every few years. During her Jehovah’s Witness phase, she decided that the family wouldn’t celebrate Christmas. My friend came to my house on Christmas Eve to attend midnight mass with my family - the last words her mother spoke to her as she left were, “Susan, you’ll be the death of me.” When Susan returned home, she was met by an emergency team that advised her mother had died of a heart attack shortly after Susan left that night.
Susan has since lived with the thought that she should feel a little bit guilty, but really doesn’t. Her lack of guilt haunts her.
I just wanted to quote this because it SO bears repeating. Please see the kindness and wisdom in Stoid’s words and do what you can to live them. All the best in the world to you.
I tried to think of something comforting to say. But, what do the words of some anonymous stranger really mean? I doubt that my expressions of sympathy or anger would help you. However, would not saying anything be any better? I doubt that, too.
So, here I am to chime with my anger, at your mother and your step-father. As a step-father to a little girl myself, I feel some measure of responsibility to do more, and wish that I could. You will certainly be in my thoughts.
Thank you all so much for your kind words and even moreso, for your understanding.
I definately do try to set limits and not see my mom too often because I can only debate theology so many times a year, ya know?
But her whole life centers mainly around her religion… so I understand also that she doesn’t -have- alot to talk about apart from religion.
I know she means well.
And thank you so much Stoid for reminding me that it’s not a reflection of me… I so needed to hear that. I believe I’d forgotten.
hugs I wont get too mushy as I did post this in the Pit and all. But you guys are wunnerful.
Perhaps your mother should watch this animation.
[sub]Disclaimer: Linked page involves sound, requires Flash 4 or higher, is rather irreverent, and may take for-bleedin’-ever to load.[/sub]
On a more serious note, while none of my close relations are quite so rabidly religious, I do know how hard it is to get some people to stop looking at the world through Jesus-colored glasses and to face facts. As you say, she means well. Hang in there.
[sub]Disclaimer 2: this is is not a reference to all Christians and is not intended as a slam at Christianity or religion in general.[/sub]
Obligatory Pit Obscenity: Your ex-stepfather sounds like a smegsucking assweasel. Good riddance.
Malkavia, this guy bothers you again, let us know. Then, fuhgeddaboudit.
Have a great turkey day. Ask Mom if you can say grace; Thank Jesus for the meal, and ask Jesus to help mom drink a nice warm cup of shut the fuck up, and watch her head pop. Okay, don’t, but think about it, and it’ll make you giggle, and you’ll feel a little better, okay?