Howabout lying? Obvious, hugely flamboyant, no one will mistake for being true, lies?
“Do you have plans for the weekend?” “Yeah, I have to get my yard in order Saturday 'cause it’s my turn to host the Sunday afternoon polo game.”
“Where are you hurrying off to?” “My camel needs his semi-annual wash, cut and curl, and this was the only slot the groomer had open.”
“Are you feeling okay?” “Not really, but I’ll be fine after they wipe my memory banks and do a clean install from disk.”
Nah, tell her its when you clean your guns…
WIN!!
This is a beautiful solution–elegant in its simplicity, devastating in its effects, the only drawback is that it requires a certain flamboyance in delivery that might be difficult for any non-extrovert to pull off. However, I suspect practice would likely make perfect…
As others have suggested, make something up.
“I have back-to-back appointments. I have to go to anger management, and then I’m going to get my knives sharpened.”
Then just keep looking at her for several seconds. Remain silent no matter what she does. Then leave.
This is one of the many reasons I love my job – we are discouraged from (and in extreme cases, disciplined for) social interaction on the cubicle floor. We still do occasionally have quiet conversations, usually things like
Cube-neighbor" OMG, Litoris, your desk is going to fall down if you keep hitting it like that
Me: Yeh, I know, but I can’t hit the idiot customer and they won’t allow me to bring in a remote-kill button.
But they’re few and far between. Mostly, we communicate via IM, which suits me just fine, as when I am in one of my “quiet” moods, it’s easy to act as if the IM got lost amongst the dozen or so windows I have open. With everyone knowing I have the dual montior set-up, it’s very easy to blame not seeing an IM on that.
When I used to work in other offices, monstro, I had the same issue. I am just not a social person in any way, shape or form, so I often get the “gosh, you’re so quiet” crap. I finally learned to just say “yeh, that’s just how I am, and I am really insecure because of it, so please stop pointing out my social inadequacies.” Believe me, that worked like a charm.
In your case, seriously, the thing with people scaring you? That is a hostile work environment, and I personally would have a talk with my manager about how it is very hurtful and should stop. Make sure your manager knows that you come to work to work, not to socialise and it may be stopped – if it does, wodnerful, if not, you’re no worse off than before. I would also recommend using words like engrossed – sometimes all it takes is just telling someone “hey, I don’t multitask well, I talk or I work, and since I get paid to work…”
Good luck with the therapy.
This thread reminds me of how Les Nessman from “WKRP in Cincinnati” used to put tape on the floor around his desk to simulate office walls and insisted that every one come in through the “door” (the gap in the tape directly in front of his desk).
Seriously, monstro, you have my sympathy. It not only happens in cube farms. I have had coworkers in other types of jobs and even in social situations tell me that I’m too quiet and “need to speak up more.” Why? Are they not comfortable being alone in their own heads with their thoughts, as I am?
Even though you’re at the bottom of the food chain, you have a right to concentrate on your work without being bothered. Perhaps if you talked to your coworker privately and told her you don’t mean to seem unfriendly, but you really need to focus on your work in order to do it properly, she might respect your wishes and seek out other company. After all, you are approachable in the break room. Tell her you’re not in the zone there, but when you’re at your desk, you really do need to focus on your job, and politely ask her to respect your boundaries when you’re in the middle of a task.
One of the tasks (I call them burdens) that we dysthymics have to learn to manage is setting our own boundaries and letting others know where those boundaries are.
My step-daughter waits until things get to the "“LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!” stage and then throws me out of her life for a few years. Until then, all is sweetness and light. It would be much healthier if she could be straight forward with me in a “You piss me off. Let’s go eat” sort of way.
Sounding off with us is a good start! Have you talked with your therapist about this? She or he might have some good solutions. My therapist used to demonstrate how to say things and made it look so natural and simple. And he didn’t sound angry when he said them – just confident and in control.
I remember a friend who used to have up a sign that said “Bug me Not.” That seems unoffensive. It’s a start. Bose makes some good noise cancellation earphones too. They don’t completely cancel the noise, but they help to keep it to a dull roar. They are expensive, but worth every penny to me.
One of my friends used to startle very easily. Her problem turned out to be a vitamin deficiency. I think it was vitamin A. You might do a little investigating.
As for Miss “You’re Too Quiet,” how about looking her straight in the eyes and saying, “Please don’t say that anymore, Priscilla” (or whatever her name is)
She may be doing it out of habit or out of feeling uncomfortable with quietness.
Sounds to me like you’re just fine the way you are.
I can relate but what is even worse for me is I had an office.
I worked in a large cube twice with several other people for many years. I also shared an office with my boss for several years. Then an office became available and I was in like flint. I had put in my time and deserved it. I held it for three years until they hired a new implementation manager and they booted me into the cube farm to make room for her.
Now I am in the end cube. The hallway leading to the offices, the copy machine, fax machine and water cooler are right on the other side of my wall. I can tune it out for the most part but some days I want to scream for people to shut the fuck up.
I am also not very social at work. I don’t eat in the cafeteria. I don’t want to bullshit my day away. I don’t want a piece of cake. I don’t want to sit and discuss my life, I don’t want to hear how Sue in cube #23 was late again or how Bob in cube #12 has a sick kid and I certainly am not going into an explantation of why I am leaving early. The only person that needs to know I am leaving early is my boss, who is the person that now sits in my old office, and even then I do not need to tell her why I need to take the time only that I am requesting time.
Cube farms can be hell.
Thanks for all the advice, ya’ll. I was totally expecting someone to scold me for being too sensitive, and instead I’ve got nothing but support. I love this place sometimes! 
My therapist says she’s going to teach me how to be more assertive. I’m curious how she would handle this situation without seeming like a meano, because none of the people I work with are jerks and deserving of meanness. They’re all friends/friendly with me; I’ve actually never felt more accepted before in my whole life. I don’t want to ruin it by being perceived as oversensitive, you know?
That’s interesting about the vitamin A deficiency. I definitely don’t eat enough vegetables, so that could be it.
We have open plan work stations so there is 2 groups of six sitting around all kind of looking at one another. It makes for a very chatty, social work environment. One of the guys is really quiet and if there is no conversation going on that grabs his attention he may just work away for hours without a word to anyone. Eventually in some quiet period someone will say, “For fucks sake shut up Mark.” We all laugh including Mark and life goes on. He knows we think that his quietness is kind of cool.
Last time I was really quiet at work (some time ago) I was asked what was wrong and I said that I was just trying to work out what the voices were telling me to do with the guns.
Oh, that’s right, we are in the Pit, aren’t we?
Ahem
Honestly, monstro, be grateful you have a job that’s indoors and that your co-workers care enough about you to inquire as to your health! Jeez, some people just can’t take other people being nice to them!
Now that we’re back in the real world, you can do what Miss Manners suggests when you get an intrusive question…smile politely and say, “Why do you want to know?” Most times, that will clue the person in that it’s none of their business, but if she persists, you can say, “I dispense information on my personal life on a need to know basis.”
SBS also has some good suggestions.
I think the co-worker does this because she wants to get to know you, and doesn’t realize that you are not interested in the same. She’s trying to draw you in because she likes you, and this is how she goes about it (including wanting to know where you’re going, i.e., learning something about you). It really is annoying if you don’t share the desire to know her better. However, if you DID want to get to know a co-worker better, but were the shy type, this may be a welcomed way to go about it.
I don’t hate this nearly as much as the “SMILE! YOU DON’T SMILE ENOUGH! YOU NEED TO SMILE MORE!” thing. Uuugggghhh.
It’s not being mean to simply tell someone that you want to be left alone while you’re working. (So says the anti-social troglodyte, at least.) That you’re there if they need to consult with you on something work-related, but for social interactions you’d feel a lot more comfortable if they’d only approach you to shoot the breeze while you’re outside of your cubical.
Ooh, asshole coworkers. Something everyone can rant about!
I have an office, but I keep the door open so I can be available to students (a closed door is a subtle fuck off to students). So the guy across the hall has to stick his head in the door every day and talk my ear off for 20 minutes or so. And all he does is brag. He is such a pathetic braggart that he has a copy of his fucking high school yearbook in his office that he breaks out occasionally to show you pictures of how athletic and hot he was in high school and how hot his girlfriends were. The guy is in his mid-50’s–how pathetic is that? But he’s also a nasty piece of work who will stab you in the back if you get on his bad side, so I just endure until the end of this year, when I change jobs.
I can’t believe it’s gotten this far without anyone pointing out that someone has a case of the Mondays. <insert frowny face>
One of my favorite songs, I Don’t Like Mondays.
I’m an electronic technician. I actually DO tend to elbow people in the gut when they come up behind me and touch me with no warning (I work mostly standing up in a rather loud environment).
I’ve also warned my coworkers not to make loud noises when I’m probing inside a box as a slip of the hands can cause what we call a “catastrophic failure”, messy, expensive and dangerous. No one thinks ill of me for this; they expect the same courtesy from me and they get it.
This is not to say that they don’t find it amusing to pop bags behind me when I’m not in such a situation, but I laugh along with them at my overreaction, as there’s nothing else I can do about it and it IS funny,
I really like you and I’m sad you’re not feeling comfortable at work. We spend so much time there, it really sucks when things are not ideal. I’m also a very introverted person who doesn’t like to discuss my personal life at work, though I really love my coworkers so I have no problem bullshitting with them on breaks and such. It’s clear you really do feel appreciated by the people you work with, and I think especially with the ‘‘you’re too quiet’’ girl, some gentle honesty would be a good approach. I think if you’re straightforward in explaining your discomfort with her behavior, she will accept you. And it really is none of her business where you were going. There’s nothing wrong with saying, ‘‘I’d rather not talk about it.’’ If that’s too aggressive, try, ‘‘I had an appointment.’’ Most people should understand that if you feel like volunteering more information, you will.
I hope you therapy works out, by the way. I know from experience it can make a big difference. Your therapist may have some excellent suggestions as well.
I’m like this - I startle/frighten easily, especially when I’m engrossed in my work. The problem I have is with my fight or flight response - as in, I’ve never experienced the “flight” part of that. My instinct is to come out swinging, and after the .02 seconds of fright wears off, I’m pissed. Furious.
Very few people seem to understand this - even after I’ve explained it to them. I can’t help my response, and I’m not pissed at them. Or, should I say, I’m not initially pissed at them. If they stand there and laugh at me or get defensive, then I get pissed. If they stand there quietly, or they come back after a minute or so, I’m fine.
Of course, then there’s the other side of the coin where they may have interrupted a very deep train of thought… why can’t people use e-mail or call on the phone and leave a voice mail? Why in the blue fuck do you have to specifically interrupt me to ask where my boss is because you wanted to tell him “Good morning!” ?!
Yes, that happens. No, I’m not exaggerating.
See, if this happened to me in the same situation, I would suddenly tense up my muscles, screw up my face, and start shaking while making a horrible “NNGGGG!” noise, like I’m being electrocuted. Then collapse backward onto the floor and stay nonresponsive for a minute or two.
Nothing like scaring the shit out of people to make them change their ways.