This is very true…As well as the assertion that your SO is an Alcoholic. This is true too. Not wanting to get too far into detail, I know what you are going through. And once and alcoholic always an alcoholic…
Find someone that suits your needs…someone to hike, sail, commune with nature…these are things you have expressed having a love for. You will not find the love you are wanting at the end of your SO’s bottle.
If he does change, and gets treatment, and totally stops drinking then re-evaluate the situation. Quitting drinking all together is very very difficult. My thoughts go out to you…
One last thing - listen to your past. You moved out for a reason. The reason does not appear to be going away, even with you having moved. The answer to your problems are written right here in these posts…Maybe stepping out on the limb of risk, is your best bet now.
Just wanted to add - I am not a big fan of the label “alcoholic.” Whether it is valid or significant, I don’t know that it necessarily serves any purpose in many if not most situations. Of course, many folk and organizations disagree with me.
But I would counsel against your using the term in discussions with your SO, and don’t even see it helping to make it part of your mindset. It is sufficient that you do not agree with/appreciate some aspect of the manner in which he drinks. Hell, I sense it wouldn’t even be as significant an issue if he only drank the way he does every other weekend, or one night per weekend.
No different than any other habit/activity of a SO that you dislike. Relates to your other thread. Good luck.
I have to agree with most of the posters here that your SO definitely has a drinking problem. From the sounds of things, appealing to the side of him that cares for you doesn’t seem to be working.
I have a suggestion that I haven’t seen anyone mention yet. Talk him into going to the doctor for a physical, and have the doctor run a liver enzyme test on his bloodwork. This a very common practice, and by no means difficult to have done. Considering the number of years he has adopted this habit, there is bound to be some level of damage to his liver. Maybe a wake up call from the Doc about the permanent damage he’s doing to his body will help.
I know that coming at the problem from this angle is skirting the real issue, but maybe this can help to open his eyes and look at things in a different light. Good luck to you no matter what you decide.
Let me shed some light on this for you Dinsdale. The term alcoholic historically carries a bad connotation. And seem to speak from a populace that does not fully understand what it means to be an alcoholic. Thos who call themsleves alcoholic, usually are seeking treatment, either through counseling or AA. Ergo the term is used by them therapeutically. I am an alcoholic, I recognize my weaknesses. This is the first of twelve steps, and sometimes the most difficult to make.
Having first hand experience with the process, I will say the gentleman in question should seek some help, either through AA or counseling.
So Dinsdale - the significance of using the word alcoholic for some is very significant, because it is being used as a type of therapy. Making one remember that they have a problem. The did not coin the phrase One Day at a Time because stopping being an alcoholic was easy. The the man in the OP is not up for an easy road, as he seems to not want to admit much of anything…I feel for the OP because if she chooses to stay, her path is surly an upward one.
Leaving aside the alcoholism/controlling behaviours issues for a bit, if he doesn’t change at all, do you want to stay with him for the rest of your life, WhetherMan? With no caveats, ifs and or buts, is this what you want for the rest of your life? If the answer is no, then you need to think about what your next step is. You have no control over what he does; he will drink or stop drinking as he pleases. The control you have is over you stay with him or end the relationship.
I don’t want to make your problem sound easier to deal with than it is, but as someone said to me recently, it really boils down to that - can you live with it the way it is, or do you want something else for yourself? A good rule of thumb for life is that people don’t change. He is the person he is, and will continue to be.
All of you have given me such insight into this situation; for that I am truly grateful.
Although all of this seems very difficult right now, I think it would be much worse if I continued to tolerate this behavior, keeping my feelings bottled up even longer. Over time I imagine those feelings could turn to resentment where they could ebb away the love I have for him in the first place…something I definitely don’t want to happen. I love him right now and I want to keep that love…for a very very long time. He is my guy…my entertainer, my companion…my tennis partner. Yes, I do love him.
As far as having a drinking problem…I honestly don’t know if he has one or not. The consensus seems to be that even if he doesn’t have a drinking problem, drinking every weekend is certainly not normal. I grew up in a practically alcohol-free environment so I have very little experience with possible alcoholism…actually, make that “no experience.” Also, if kids are at all in my future I certainly do NOT want to bring them up around someone who drinks every weekend. Children learn by example and this is an example I refuse to allow. Drinking occasionally is okay with me but habitually is not. Beyond labeling, I rather keep this to what I know and what I can observe. Simply…his drinking bothers me to the extent that he becomes a different person…enough of a different person that it gets on my nerves when it happens.
Since my last post, though, my SO has agreed to attend couple’s counseling. This is a huge relief for me. Since we don’t seem to be making any head way on our own…hopefully, a neutral third party opinion will provide guidance and help us sort all of this out. I do love him and am willing to give it a try.
Cowgirl, your response provided hope that it’s possible for things to change. Although my SO never becomes abusive I could relate with much of your post and hope mine has a similar happy ending.
Phlosphr, your post struck me when you spoke of life in those terms. Life is short and I definitely hope counseling will work for us. The fact that he’s willing to give it a try means a lot to me and to our relationship.
My SO did say something, though, that made me think about my role in this. Throughout our relationship certain things have come up that I was not happy about. I voiced those concerns and he has changed those. But…they were just small things like tapping and whistling. He told me that he thinks I’m just trying to change him into this perfect little person and that if he changes this, it still won’t be enough. I’ll still always find something about him that I want changed. <sigh> Part of me thinks he’s just trying to deflect the issue at hand but I could be wrong. Another counseling issue…I suppose.
One thing I do know is that I do not in any way want him to feel controlled. I want him to feel free to do things that make him happy. I want him to be who he is…who he is happy being. Reduction in drinking can only come from within himself. But on the flip side…I also have to be fair to myself and what I want out of a relationship. Success for me is compromising to the point of mutual content. I want us both to be happy.
Well…I guess that’s all for now. Thank you again, everyone, for all of your posts. Sincerely. I’m going to hold onto this post for a while. It somehow gives me strength.
He’s an alcoholic. Mine is and some of your posts, WhetherMan hit too close to home for me not to recognize the same behavior in your SO. Being an alcoholic is not so much about how much you drink as it is why you drink.
He said he had no interest in counseling until after the fact, then said he would have gone. He told you this because he knows you well enough to know that since he said he would have gone you will take that as a sign he’s not afraid to go, which he is, and assume counseling is not needed afterall.
He tries to talk you out the way you feel, which is very controlling behavior.
He stays home rather than go out with friends because he can’t drink if he goes out. Or it’s too expensive, if that’s so, why not go out and not drink?
He’s lying to himself. If he’s not an alcoholic, then ask him to prove it. Ask him to go two full weeks without drinking. I guarantee he’ll come up with every reason in the book why this is not possible. He will not do it because he cannot do it.
That’s what I finally realized tonight about my SO. He knows it would save our relationship if he quit drinking. He wants desperately to save the relationship. He is, however, unable to stop drinking.
He lies to me about it, but more importantly, he lies to himself about it. And since I can’t stand him when he drinks, and he is drinking more and more these days, I see him less and less.
If your SO really loves you and wants to make you happy, wouldn’t he stop drinking if it bothers you? After all, it’s just alcohol, isn’t it? Easy enough to give up, right? It’s not like you’re asking him to give up something that’s good for him, after all.
If he won’t even entertain the idea, I’d say that raises a serious red flag regarding whether or not he’s an alcoholic.
You and I are having the same problem, except my SO treats me like dirt when he drinks, without fail. And since he’s drinking more and more these days…
You’re not wrong to ask him to modify his drinking habits. I think your only faults, and mine as well, lie within these words originally posted by ** don’t ask **
My advice, and I wish I could follow it,: Do what makes you happy, without regard for his happiness, be selfish about it.
He’s banking on the fact that you won’t try to replace him…
Asking him to stop tapping or whistling is one thing.
Asking him to tone down potentially destructive behavior is something else entirely.
For him to confuse the two is a warning sign.
DO NOT, under any circumstances, move in with him.
You may also want to explore dating other people for awhile. 13 years is a long time, and you may feel too invested in this relationship to get out, or to pay attention to destructive behaviour. That is no excuse.
Yes, it’s possible for a problem drinker to change their ways. But trust me, honey. I speak from personal experience. You do not want this fight. Because even if you win, there will still be moments where you wonder. The trust will not be at 100%, and that can be a very sad thing.
I had a relationship which was very toxic to me. Even nearly two years after its demise, I still am discovering places in which my faith in myself has been eroded away. In a nutshell, a man I had no business trusting moved into my home and gave up his job. He ate my food, spent my money, and berated me for not earning more. And when I told him I didn’t like it, I got the exact reponse you have indicated above.
Push finally came to shove, and I got him out of my home and out of my life. But he controlled me emotionally for too long by telling me that I was controlling him. No-one wants to be “the controlling one,” and manipulative, self-absorbed people know how to play on that.
I do not know your SO. But the behaviours identified throughout this thread indicate to me that he is not as interested in working things out to mutual benefit as you are. He claims you have nothing to complain about because he does not abuse you; but will not seriously engage in counselling or equitable discussion regarding the drinking. He feels that you are making an ultimatum and blowing things out of proportion, when you only want to find a balance. And his idea of the ideal weekend evening does not seem to include you, except - on occasion - as audience.
I am glad to hear that he has agreed to the counselling. I hope this makes the difference you are hoping for. But please, do not purchase a home with this man until you can see a solid future with him. And be honest with yourself about that.
You moved out in January because you needed space from him and from the relationship. You now know that there can be a sweet strength in solitude. Keep that in mind if the counselling goes awry. And know that we are rooting for you.
The guy’s personality changes when he drinks? --don’t stick around. You’ll only be able to trust him if he doesn’t drink. If he can pull it off, then okay. Otherwise, hit the road.