So, in addition to the collectible, commemorative Smeagol glassware (collect all 4!) available with the purchase of a Happy Meal for the low, low price of $3.99, and the Timex Special Edition Lord of the Rings watch (Orthanc, Grond, and the Staff of Saruman serve as the hands, with the voice of Gandalf marking every hour by saying, “Your staff is broken!”,) what gratuitous product placements are you looking forward to in the film itself?
I figure we’ll see Arwen in a full-on, bullet-time fight with the Nazgul, with a Pepsi in one hand.
I think we’ll also see a dusty chihuahua skeleton in Moria, with Gandalf subtly intoning, “Yo quiero Balrog” in one key scene.
Burger King tie-ins? Elrond in a wardrobe from the Gap? Harry Potter as the Witch-King of Angmar? What do you think?
Call me a purist, but I will not be amused when the Tolkien classic is abused for gratuitous shilling. My predictions:
Expect action figures galore, maybe a Galadriel Barbi with Nenya accessory. Along the same lines expect at 3 or 4 Middle Earth themed Lego sets (though the latter may actually have some redeeming value.)
Expect most of the actors and actresses to avoid television commercials, and the studio to do an end around and allow the character likeness to be used by look-alikes (ala Pepsi and Tombraider.)
Expect a hand filmed version of the movie to appear on Usenet within 12 hours of the opening (2 for the film, 8 to convert to divx, 2 to upload.)
Already being done. I was at Burger King last week and saw their ad for holiday gift certificates, which come in a LOTR envelope. The banner? “Give the one gift that rules them all.” I kid you not.
Elves at the Council of Elrond will each have laptops running Windows, and as the Council progresses, will be seen entering important dates and tasks into Outlook.
As disgusting as it may be to see LOTR merchandising crop up all over the place, I can find it in my heart to be a little pleased. The Tolkien estate was raped by the ACE scandal and still does not have a lot of money to play with. There are thousands of pages of unedited documents that only Christopher seems to give a Balrog’s tit about.
I would love to see the estate make a killing on royalties, hire some more scholars, and perhaps release some of the documents that wannabes like myself have been waiting some years to see.
In a bizarre turn of events, Sting took Ian McKellen’s place in the role of Gandalf. The movies now feature Sting rocketing over the Plains of Rohan in a brand new Jaguar XJ-16 “Shadowfax,” Jag’s newest SUV.
After Lorien, the members of the Fellowship unwrap their leaf-covered lembas to find…Skittles.
I’d like to see the following merchandise:
[ul][li]Minas Tirith / Minas Morgul gift set[/li][li]Gandalf the Grey™ and Nasty Balrog™ with Falling Unexpectedly Off Bridge™ action![/li][li]Saruman of No Color™ with Breaking Staff™ and Palantir™-Hurling Action![/li][li]Fully poseable Frodo™ action figure with detachable finger action![/li][li]Balrog™ sanitary towels – with Wings™[/li][li]Smeagol™<->Gollum™ Transformer[/li][li]Wall-mounted Tom Bombadil bust: sings 3 songs![/li][li]Bonsai Ents[/li][li]Lembas™ [Beneath picture of Sam guzzling the stuff: ‘serving suggestion’][/li][li]My Little Shadowfax™[/li][li]Beorn™ CareBear[/li][li]Phial™ of Galadriel™ Nightlight[/li][li]Spiderbites™, with putrescent rotting action[/li][li]Sounds of Middle Earth™ relaxation CD boxed sets, volume 5: Drums of Moria™[/li][li]Baby’s First Ring Of Power™[/li][li]Middle Earth Majick Kit™, featuring Frodo’s Amazing Detached Finger Trick[/li][li]Mister Tater Head Sam[/li][li]Sauron™’s Severed Hand™ holding a Plasma Globe™[/li][li]Barad-Dur™ Jenga Set[/li][li]Pillars of Argonath™ Bookends (not actual size)[/li][li]Nazgulburgers: with the special sauce that cannot be eaten by man of woman born[/li][li]Shelob Nursery Mobile[/li][li]Wood-Elf Castle Comfy-Ride Barrel[/li][li]Khazad-dum Doom-Doom-Doom Bongo Drums[/li][li]Nazgul action figures (with accompanying winged and hoofed steeds)[/li]A set of portraits of “Bilbo (when wearing the ring)”, “Frodo (when wearing the Ring)” and “Smeagol (when wearing the Ring)” on fine white canvas.[/ul]My name is lno, and I am a dork.
Actually, I figured she’d kick a little Nazgul ass at the Ford of Bruinen before luring them into the raging flood. Such is Hollywood.
“Say, Peter…bubeleh…listen. Live Tyler’s a big name. BIG! What say we spice up her role a bit. Give her a hot, steamy sex scene. Let her beat hell out of a Black Rider or two. You know, nothing big.”
Peter Jackson succumbs in a debilitating wave of ennui.
At least, that’s the way I hope it doesn’t happen.