You and Your Best Friend Find Osama

Okay, you and your best friend are out wandering around in the middle of nowhere and you stumble across Osama. Before either of you can jump him, he points an AK at you and reveals to you his Master Plan of Evil[sup]TM[/sup]. His agents (all dead now, BTW) have developed a virus that attacks only the brains of people who aren’t whacked out muslims like him. He shows you a vial containing the only sample of the virus and tells you he’s going to release it very soon to kill everyone on the planet who isn’t as devout as him. To ensure that no one is able to develop a vaccine against the virus, he’s killed all the developers involved with making the virus and destroyed all their notes. He boasts that until his scientists had developed the virus, no one even knew such a thing was possible, and now, because he’s killed them, and destroyed their notes, no one will have any idea of what’s killing people until it’s too late.

Of course, you know that since he’s told you all of this that he’s going to kill you shortly. He becomes distracted for a moment, and you and your friend jump him. It’s a titanic battle, and just when it looks like your goose is cooked, your friend manages to kill Osama. After riddling his body with bullets (to make sure he’s dead, you don’t want any silly “second grab” moments like you’ve seen in horror movies), your friend picks up the vial containing the virus, sticks it in a pocket and says, “You know, I think I’ll hang on to this. It might come in handy some day.”

What do you do? Do you let your friend walk away with the vial? (You can tell by your friend’s expression that there’s no point in trying to reason with him/her.) Do you pick up the AK and order your friend to destroy the vial? Do you shoot to wound your friend, and while he/she is thrashing about on the ground, take the vial from them and destroy it? Do you kill your friend and destroy the vial or do you kill your friend and keep the vial for yourself? Or something else?

Are you, by any chance, a comic book fan?

Nope. Haven’t read one in close to 20 years.


The first question that springs to mind is the means by which the vial (and its contents) could be destroyed.

What would I do?

Vaporize villain’s virulently vile vial.

Provided I’m certain he’s serious? Shoot my friend through the head. What to do with the vial is a secondary concern.

That’s exactly what I would like to know. Can we safely just throw it on the ground and stomp it to bits?

If so, kill the friend.

Then the power will be MINE!!
My precious…

This situation occured to you how, exactly?

Also, I’d wound my friend and destroy the vial. And then look into serious psychotherapy for said friend.

With that kind of situation…if I really thought I’d have to physically harm my friend to secure the vial, I couldn’t risk just trying to wound him. (It’s not a sound tactic in the use of firearms to begin with. This ain’t the movies. And with those kind of stakes, on top of it? Forget it. I’m not saying I’d be unphased by it—I’d probably have a lot of rough nights, afterwards. But the way I see it, the life of one man, and the soul or sanity of another are more than a fair price to pay for the future of all humanity.)

Plus, there’s also the chance that, in the right hands, the virus might be reverse-engineered to kill only whacked-out muslims like him. A far better use than simply destroying the virus, or locking it away in some madman’s cache.

Ah, won’t “destroying” the virus by conventional means just release it?

Instead of harming my friend, I buy a lockbox from Al Gore then charter a boat. After getting my friend completely drunk, I steal the vial, put in in the box seal that box into something really heavy, and throw it into the Mariana trench.

I know this one; I should try to take the vial from Isildur, and throw it into Mount Doom right then, otherwise he drops it somewhere and then it gets lost and wa-HEY with the goblins and orcs and the “look out, lady” …

Er… fuck Osama, kill my friend, marry the virus.

No, kill Osama, fuck the virus, marry my friend.

I give up.

Shoot the hostage!

Oh wait…

As everybody knows, there’s only one way to be sure.

I could not kill my best friend. Ever. Nor could I wound her, I think.

So…I guess the World is in Her Hands Now. We could make a movie.

You shoot your friend, cut off Osama’s head, take it and go and collect the reward money. $50 million isn’t it?

What was that you said about a vial?

Oh that’s easy. Just chuck it into a hot fire, that’ll kill the virus.

This thread is getting, umm, strange.

Moved from IMHO to MPSIMS.


My best friend wouldn’t have killed Osama–no matter how much he eventually begged for death. But sticking to the OP I would have him elaborate on what he had planned. Not being a devout muslim I doubt he’d have plans to release it IAW Osama’s evil plan so I’d just figure “whatever” and get to work sawing O’Sama’s noggin.

Then I’d pickle it and hook it up to some killer animatronics stuff and have it give messages to the “devout” dictating that Allah has declared alCohol to be a sacramental requirement and no less than 3 libations per prayer session are mandated to ensure a good seat in the afterlife…wacky stuff like that. Or at least to form plots that would appeal to The West’s guilt complex. Stuff like, “If The Evil West does not leave Iraq right now, we will blow up the Kaaba and then won’t they be sad that we’ve lost an important religious artifact!”

Actually, I got nothing. But I’d certainly desecrate the corpse and get my $50 mil.