Telemarketers, unsolicited commercial e-mail, and cell phone spam - Banned. Completely. $1000 fine if anyone recieves an unwanted solicitation from a business, political campaign or non-profit organization by telephone, e-mail or fax. End of story.
Metric system - As of 1 January 2003, the United States will undergo a quick, “cold turkey” conversion to the metric system. Highway signs will change, consumer goods produced after that date must be sold with metric untis dominating, weather forecasts on television will use degrees celsius and kilopascals, and we’ll be buying liters of gas at the corner Texaco. If you don’t like it,you can move to Myannamar, the last country on the planet that still embraces such quaint measurements as hogsheads and chains.
Gun control - Guns will be treated in a manner similar to motor vehicles. You must pass a rigorous a gun safety, use and marksmanship course to earn a “gun license.” You must renew your license every ten years if you want your right to gun ownership to continue. Guns will be registered much as cars are, and “fingerprinted” by bullet markings and shell casings. Felons are permanently barred from gun licensing or registration. If you have a license and properly registered (and renewed) registrations, you can own as many guns as you want. C’mon … you can only hold two, anyhow, so the rest won’t do you any good.
The New National Highway Beautification Act - Billboards visible from the public right-of-way of any federal, state or local highway are banned. Exceptions include Times Square, the Las Vegas Strip, and Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles. Freestanding signs taller than 15 feet … ahem, I mean five meters … banned. Fuel taxes will pay to buy out the assets of remaining outdoor advertising companies, at an uninflated fair market rate.
Health care - People have the right to decent health care. Dig up Hillary Clinton’s proposed single payer/universal coverage plan. Stamp out plastic cards that say “Health Care America.” They’re insurance cards. One will be given to each American citizen and gainfully employed foreign national in the United States. Tort limits will be imposed.
National defense - The military deserves our nation’s best and brightest, and those serving deserve more than our thanks and respect. MIlitary personnel will get paid a decent salary, comparable to other federal employees.
Those who are fabulous will also be allowed to perform military service. It might upset some, but think of the wonderful choreography that drill formations will now have!
National service - Every American citizen must serve at least two years of “national service duty” while they are between the ages of 18 and 25. National service duty can include the military (if they’re good enough), Peace Corps, VISTA, or similar organizations.
Immigration - Immigrants can come to the United States 1) like now, theough marriage or blood relation; 2) by scoring highly on a “point” system, similar to that used by Canada and Australia; 3) through the “green card” diversity lottery, or 4) through the “point” system, with extra credit given to those who agree to live in federally designated areas such as declining Rust Belt cities, or, for medical professionals, small rural towns, for at least ten years after their arrival in the country.
Media un-deregulation - Radio sucks. Large radio conglomerates (Clear Channel, etc.) will be broken up. At least 50% of all radio stations in a market must be owned by a real company (not a holding company) within 50 km of the center of the market; 25% may be owned by companies or individuals located up to 100 km from the market. A company may not own more than five radio stations,with no more than two in one market.
The IBOC digital broadcasting standard proposed by the NAB will be dropped, and the United States will follow the rest of the world with digital terrestrial radio broadcasting using the Eureka standard. All existing AM and FM radio stations will be given Eureka bandwidth, and room will be made to double the number of radio stations in a given market. New community (not religious) radio stations will be given priority for the expanded bandwidth.
National Vehicular Low Frequency Noice Emination Act - Drivers of vehicles where sound systems are are playing so loudly that they can be not necessarily heard, but felt more than five meters from the vehicle will be subjected to at least four hours of noise aversion therapy. This includes confinement to an acoustically perfect room, where they will be subjected to polka, bhangra (Tunak Tunak Tun!) and Bollywood/Indian pop, 1970s era soft pop (Bread, England Dan and John Ford Coley, etc), 1920s era vocal 78s (“My Darling Clementine” in a fast, nasal accent, etc), instrumental Muzak, and The Kids of Widney High, at volumes just below a threshold that would cause permanent hearing damage. No potty breaks, either.
Eschew obfusication! - All federal, state, county and local laws, regulations, ordinances, and resolutions, as well as all all legally binding contracts, must be written (or re-written, as the case may be) in plain, jargon-free, legalese-free English, with prose as short as possible to get the point across.
Business welfare reform - No more government handouts – federal, state, or local – for private businesses. Economic development incentives must not include tax breaks or other actions directed at one specific employer. A government may prop up a threatened business sector by purchasing its products, though; i.e. advance purchase of airline tickets to help troubled airlines, instead of direct subsidies or handouts.
Tort reform - Loser pays. It’s that simple. No more people suing McDonalds for getting fat from their food, or making coffee that could possibly scald you if it was spilled.
Election reform - The Electoral College will be eliminated… One man, one vote, with instant runoff voting instituted in every election, from dog catcher to president.
All local elections departments will be eliminted. A new “Bureau of Elections” will conduct all local, state and federal elections, using the same touch-screen electronic voting machines nationwide. No more punch cards in Florida, no more 1930s era mechanical voting machines in New York.