Thanks BiblioCat and annieclaus. Confess, it was the bit about Bill Gates sending us money, wasn’t it?
One of my minions will be around with a lawn sign just as soon as I get a minion.
BTW, I’m a him. Are either of you nubile young women by any chance?
Oh wait, I’m married.
Do either of you have any chocolate?
Hmmm, I am a woman, but not exactly nubile anymore. Having kids’ll do that. Not sure what you mean by ‘young’. I am under 40.
Oh wait, I’m married, too. Never mind.
I do have chocolate. I just made chocolate-chip cookies. Nestle Tollhouse. They’re still warm.
And I have Baskin-Robbins Jamoca Almond Fudge ice cream in the freezer.
And I wonder why I’m not ‘nubile’ anymore… :smack:
Somehow I knew this thread would take off.
I have another one:
Bill Gates will be forced to modify MS-Outlook so that common nicknames in the recipient box will be automatically translated to formal equivalents if needed; e.g. (Mike=>Michael, Tom=>Thomas, and Jim=>James).
This is great. I’m always offering my new law ideas into conversations, so I’m pleased to have a reason to do it here as well.
Outlaw all honoraria and any contributions larger than $100. to anyone in office, running for office, or to any political parties. And no more than $1000. of an individual’s personal funds may be spent for campaigning. At the same time, significantly increase the salaries for elected positions so that highly qualified people will not be discouraged from seeking same.
Two months prior to elections, networks have to begin providing free chunks of air-time to all candidates who have managed a few hundred signatures.
During political debates and commercials, participants must be hooked up to lie detector machines, with the results broadcast instantaneously to the audience.
Term limits (one may be re-elected only once) will be enacted for all elected offices.
Public schools must pay their teachers at least the median salary of the general public, and no public school may ever hold a bake sale or other fund-raising scheme whose purpose is to balance their budget. Shortages will be appropriated from legislators salaries.
Branches of the military, including its private weapons contractors, are allowed to hold bake sales in order to raise additional funds for half-baked projects like the Osprey.
Producers of advertisements that lie, exaggerate, or distort the truth will be summarily shot.
Jury awards in lawsuits must be given as percentages of the convicted individual’s or corporation’s average annual income over the past 5 years. Dollar amounts may not be used for guidance in such determinations and verdicts.
No more handguns may ever be manufactured. Handguns may not be bought, sold, or gifted to anyone. Upon a handgun owner’s death (natural or facilitated), any handguns in his estate will be melted. After a 10 year ‘grandfather clause’, law enforcement officials will no longer be allowed to replace their lost/stolen/missing handguns, nor will new recruits be provided with handguns. Alternative (non-lethal) weapons will be allowed.
Top geneticists and biologists will be secured to immediately begin developing an insect or fungus or something that is immune to contemporary pesticides, which eats only tobacco and which will be released throughout the world. Funding for this project will be provided by income of cigarette manufacturers.
Develop same kind of bug, specific to coca plants, and poppy plants.
The legal age for using tobacco products will be increased by two years, annually, until only 65 and older may smoke (privately, of course, in a sealed body bag only.)
Bigots and prejudiced jerks will be sentenced to display in city zoos, in one-week increments, depending upon severity. Aged vegetables (i.e., rotten tomatoes) will be provided for use by spectators. Second-time offenders will receive nausea-inducing implants that are activated whenever they say or act in a bigoted way. They must also carry their own barf bags and wear a “B” on their shirts.
Any foreign nationals, visitors, greencard holders, or illlegal aliens who are proven to have criticized or acted against the rights and freedoms of the U.S.A. and its citizens will be parachuted into whatever country is currently determined to be its polar opposite.
Atheists will receive a mild electric shock anytime they pointlessly denigrate an individual’s religious beliefs.
Televisions will shut down for a couple hours after being on for 3 consecutive hours.
Fast-food restaurants will be destroyed.
Pollution by companies will not be allowed. First-time offense: all annual profits plus 5%; second-time offense: sale of all assets with resultant income used to improve the local environment. In addition, a portion of the polluting materials will be installed in the company president’s residence for a period of one year.
All men between the ages of 18 and 25 will be mustered and reviewed as to their physical attractiveness. Those scoring in the A and B categories will be forbidden to wear opaque shirts.
1: All drivers applying makeup, using cellphones, or otherwise distracting themselves will lose their licenses for a minimum of five years.
2: Job announcements for awful jobs must carry a disclaimer, indicating that the job in question is horrible, unrewarding, boring, and/or otherwise lousy. This is to protect the applicant, as he or she could easily be misled by meaningless doubletalk into thinknig a crappy job is a good one. Failure to be brutally honest in job applications would be a violation of the applicant’s human rights.
I’d write more, but I’m going home from my rotten job. Subjective? Me??
Kn(another voter for Bumbazine, b/c he managed to beat me to most of my pet peeves - even the ones I hadn’t thought of yet!)ckers
Anyone who spits out chewing gum in a parking lot will be sentenced to three years of scraping up gum in parking lots.
People who empty their car ashtrays in parking lots will be publicly flogged.
Food manufacturers who divide up normal-sized portions so their ‘calorie count per servings’ sound better (like a package of M&M is 3 servings) will be force-fed waste products from their manufacturing plants.
It will be legal to douse people who marinate in perfume with large water balloons.
People who think Professional Wrestling is the epitome of fine entertainment will be barred from breeding.
Anyone who spits out chewing gum in a parking lot will be sentenced to three years of scraping up gum in parking lots.
People who empty their car ashtrays in parking lots will be publicly flogged.
Food manufacturers who divide up normal-sized portions so their ‘calorie count per servings’ sound better (like a package of M&M is 3 servings) will be force-fed waste products from their manufacturing plants.
It will be legal to douse people who marinate in perfume with large water balloons.
People who think Professional Wrestling is the epitome of fine entertainment will be barred from breeding.
I hereby authorise all SDopers to carry and use the following items :
Depo Dart Gun. Use on anyone who does something that shows they shouldn’t be procreating.
Clue Stick. Apply stick to all who need a clue. Beat liberally.
Enjoy 
I am a woman but am waaaaayyyy past nubility! (Not that there’s anything wrong with that!)
I am NOT married.
And I always have chocolate.
And you still rock!
Any school, in any part of the country, on any level, where a semeseter costs more than a used VCR, automatically forfeits any right to be an anarchic, abhorrent-jerks-running-wild, no-rules-whatsoever hellhole. Any failure to comply is grounds for a lawsuit from the parents of any wrong students.
All of the following are grounds for mandatory sterilization: Forcing child to go through any kind of degrading, life-destroying experience (say, child beauty pagents or figure skating), dragging a howling baby to every freaking store in the mall, pretending to abandon child with that “Goodbye! Goodbyyyee!” BS, refusing to take extremely desperate child to restroom for ANY reason, failing to respond to page to pick up child on the first call, dragging a howling baby anywhere babies have absolutely no business being (the college library, for example), holding any deeply ingrained prejudices, being irascible and pretty much impossible to deal with all the time, being prone to violent outbursts, a complete inability to show compassion, empathy, or kindness to another person.
The moderator of any message board shall have the unconditional right to end any incredibly long, tiresome debate by stating his/her position, declaring it to be the One True Way, and locking the thread.
Anyone who proposes “Just ignore it/him/her” as a solution to anything gets a blistering Akebono slap in the face.
“No rules” is prohibited as a selling point for a sports game unless someone can demonstrate that there actually are no rules. For example, a football game must allow all of the following: 1) A player crossing the line of scrimmage before the ball is snapped, 2) the quarterback throwing the ball away, while still in the pocket, for the sole purpose of avoiding a sack, 3) defensive holding that does not require the defender to impersonate Great Lougainis, 4) all kinds of holds, chop blocks, crackbacks etc. from the offensive line, 5) no restrictions whatsoever on forward passes, and 6) every freaking offensive player moving toward the line of scrimmage before the snap.
All businesses located in an area that has heavy morning traffic going to it and/or not enough parking for all its employees cannot mandate a starting work time later than 9:00. If you want to enforce an earlier time, you just move to a place that’s more accessible.
All console video games are unconditionally returnable, up to five days after the sale, for full retail value minus $10 (which is still worse than any rental place, so don’t whine). Stores that wish to avoid a flood of returns can help themselves by recommending games that their customers probably won’t utterly loathe. Stores wanting to avoid big markdowns on “used” items can be a little more specific as to how used their used games are, which they should be doing anyway.
The penalty for returning a noon-return movie on the same day, but past noon, will not exceed 20% of the cost of a full rental. None of this “gouge and gouge and gouge for returning an hour late” crap.
Mufflers are REQUIRED EQUIPMENT on all motorcycles. Safety is not an excuse for irritating the hell out of the entire city day and night. To compensate, motorcycle manufactures are required to install horns that are clearly audible from the inside of a car.
Any vehicle that sounds like an amplified machine gun at normal highway speeds will be impounded until it gets the necessary noise-dampening modifications.
A member of Congress who belongs to a party that opposes the President’s party, yet staunchly refuses to oppose the President in ANY WAY WHATSOEVER (even when the President implements policies that are a complete 180 from the Congressman’s partry line) will be subject to impeachment.
If someone virulently criticizes an editorial or otherwise highly vocal cartoon, but totally misses the point or was wildly off base, said criticism shall constitue a legal waiver for the cartoonist to ridicule the dupe in any way he/she sees fit in a future cartoon.
Yeah, pet peeves. Isn’t that the point?
Any school, in any part of the country, on any level, where a semester costs more than a used VCR, automatically forfeits any right to be an anarchic, abhorrent-jerks-running-wild, no-control-over-anyone-whatsoever hellhole. Any failure to comply is grounds for a lawsuit from the parents of any wrong students.
All of the following are grounds for mandatory sterilization: Forcing child to go through any kind of degrading, life-destroying experience (say, child beauty pagents or figure skating), dragging a howling baby to every freaking store in the mall, pretending to abandon child with that “Goodbye! Goodbyyyee!” BS, refusing to take extremely desperate child to restroom for ANY reason, failing to respond to PA message to pick up child by the second call, dragging a howling baby anywhere babies have absolutely no business being (the college library, for example), holding any deeply ingrained prejudices, being irascible and pretty much impossible to deal with, being prone to violent outbursts, a complete inability to show compassion, empathy, or kindness to another person.
The moderator of any message board shall have the unconditional right to end any endless, pointless back-and-forth debate by stating his/her position, declaring it to be the One True Way, and locking the thread.
Anyone who proposes “Just ignore it/him/her” as a solution to anything gets a blistering Akebono slap in the face.
“No rules” is prohibited as a selling point for a sports game unless someone can demonstrate that there actually are no rules. For example, a football game must allow all of the following: 1) A player crossing the line of scrimmage before the ball is snapped, 2) the quarterback throwing the ball away, while still in the pocket, for the sole purpose of avoiding a sack, 3) defensive holding that does not require the defender to impersonate Great Lougainis, 4) all kinds of holds, chop blocks, crackbacks etc. from the offensive line, 5) no restrictions whatsoever on forward passes, and 6) every freaking offensive player moving toward the line of scrimmage before the snap.
All businesses located in an area that has heavy morning traffic going to it and/or not enough parking for all its employees cannot mandate a starting work time later than 9:00. If you want to enforce an earlier time, you just move to a place that’s more accessible.
All console video games are unconditionally returnable, up to five days after the sale, for full retail value minus $10 (which is still worse than any rental place, so don’t whine). Stores that wish to avoid a flood of returns can help themselves by recommending games that their customers probably won’t utterly loathe. Stores wanting to avoid big markdowns on “used” items can be a little more specific as to how used their used games are, which they should be doing anyway.
The penalty for returning a noon-return movie on the same day, but past noon, will not exceed 20% of the cost of a full rental. None of this “gouge and gouge and gouge for returning an hour late” crap.
Mufflers are REQUIRED EQUIPMENT on all motorcycles. Safety is not an excuse for irritating the hell out of the entire city day and night. To compensate, motorcycle manufactures are required to install horns that are clearly audible from the inside of a car.
Any vehicle that sounds like an amplified machine gun at normal highway speeds will be impounded until it gets the necessary noise-dampening modifications.
A member of Congress who belongs to a party that opposes the President’s party, yet staunchly refuses to oppose the President in ANY WAY WHATSOEVER (even when the President implements policies that are a complete 180 from the Congressman’s partry line) will be subject to impeachment.
If someone virulently criticizes an editorial or otherwise highly vocal cartoon, but totally misses the point or was wildly off base, said criticism shall constitue a legal waiver for the cartoonist to ridicule the dupe in any way he/she sees fit in a future cartoon.
Yeah, pet peeves. Isn’t that the point?
1: Failure to return shopping carts to either a) the front of the store, or b) the useful cart corrals will be punishable by restriction from ever using a shopping cart again. The parking lot is for CARS, dammit, not shopping carts!
2: Stiffer penalties (such as life imprisonment) for failure to signal turns or lanes changes - there are already laws about this, so I don’t know if they belong here, but somebody’s got to make this stick.
3: Public television stations must air their regular programming during pledge drives, and may not under any circumstances air fifty thousand hours of Andrew Lloyd Webber Concerts and self-help seminars.
4: Taking the elevator just one floor is forbidden, provided you physically COULD take the stairs.
5: “Guilt tripping” is illegal. Anyone who tries to make another person feel guilty (especially for a situation that is not his or her fault) will be soundly insulted. Similarly, trying to cheer people up when they don’t want to be cheery is also illegal.
People who park diagonally across two parking spaces will have their car impounded.
People who pile up 5,000 Beanie Babies in their back window will have their car impounded.
People who park in the Fire Lane and run into stores for “just a minute” will have their car impounded.
Starting in the third grade, one hour of each and every school day will be spent reviewing the difference between “their, there, & they’re”, “your & you’re”, and “than & then” until students can prove they Know The Fucking Difference.
On a side note, I plan on making a lot of money running guns into Pablito’s country in 10 years. It’ll be easy, any cops try to stop me and I’ll just shoot them.
Same goes for native English speakers who say “had ran”, “have went”, and the like.
Come to think of it, why are those mistakes so common with those types of verbs, except for “did”? You often hear people say “I had ran” but you never hear “I had did”.
Tristan–
My thing was only about handguns; cops–at least those who can pass a test proving they aren’t bigots [see my rules above]–are allowed to use automatics. Still, my law may have a few kinks to work out, but I’ll bet there are lots fewer murders and accidental deaths once it goes into effect.
Why?
Anyone attempting to board a plane before their row is called will be forced to sit in lotus position on the floor next to the lavatory without a seatbelt for the duration of the trip.
Anyone bringing aboard more carry-on luggage than allowed will have to watch their luggage being jettisoned once the plane lifts off.
Automobiles will be equipped with speed limit sensors. If the vehicle is traveling faster than the speed limit, a computer will log the time and location. If the vehicle’s driver decides to honk his or her horn when traveling above the speed limit, a summons will automatically be issued. I’m tired of drivers going too fast who complain when someone inadvertently cuts them off or makes a turn in front of them. If you weren’t going so friggin’ fast, the guy wouldn’t have cut you off.
There will be a limited number of driver’s licenses issued in the New York / New Jersey area. There will be a waiting list for new licenses. Only when a licensed driver has his or her license revoked, or dies, will another licence be issued to someone else. Any car accident that is your fault results in immediate revokation of your license. You may re-apply in 5 years. Every current license-holder will have to take a driver’s test annually. If you fail, your license is revoked. Back of line, pal! Also, no one under the age of 21 may apply for a license.
All potential presidential candidates and potential cabinet members must pass tests in macro-economics, political science and civics, ethics, world history, world geography and international current events. If you fail any of these, you must wait a year to re-take them.
Licenses will be supplied for use of public restrooms. Anyone caught urinating on a toilet seat or not flushing the toilet after use or not washing hands after use or displaying any kind of disgusting restroom behavior will have their restroom license taken away permanently. A $20 fee will be charged to persons using a restroom without a license, which will go towards the Public Restroom cleanup fund.
Littering of any kind, including gum wrappers and cigarettes will result in 1 week of public clean-up duty. If you have a full-time job, the time will be deducted from your vacation time.
Reasonable healthcare will be available without cost to all residents of the United States. If taxes need to be raised for this purpose, we must raise taxes. However, I think that there’s alot of “fat” in the federal budget that can be cut for this purpose.
Anyone spilling coffee or any other drink, or dropping food of any kind in a public train or bus, and then attempting to leave without cleaning the spill up, will have a choice of which article of clothing that they are wearing will be used to clean up the mess. If the original piece of clothing is not large enough, the train car or bus passengers will vote on the 2nd article of clothing.
The news media will not be allowed to glorify the actions of a serial killer. Any news story related to the serial killer will be limited to anything that helps in the capture of the murderer or in the safety of residents of the area. Once a killer is caught, there will be no photos or stories of him in the media, just a blurb saying that he’s been captured. The newsworld hands too much “stardom” to these sickos.
We’ll all be allowed to rebroadcast baseball games to our hearts content.