You can take your name-dropping and shove it right up your rectum.

The BBQ Pit
1

Here’s the fact: the world is sick and tired of hearing you name-drop. The fact of the matter is, you are not on a first-name basis with the people you pretend to be. And even if you were, you’re fully aware that those who you are speaking to now AREN’T. So don’t, when speaking about, say, Bill Gates, tell people:

“So Billy and I were at the party and I’d say something and he’d laugh and laugh…”

He isn’t “Billy” to you. Unless he knows your phone number and USES IT to contact you SOCIALLY, he is not fucking “Billy” to you. Do you understand? If you want to talk about something that happened that time when you pushed your way over to him at a party and proceeded to follow him around and regale him with your stories (much to his dismay, I’m sure) then do so the way normal human beings do.

“I was speaking to Bill Gates and…” etc. He’s not “Billy” to me, and he sure as shit isn’t “Billy” to you, and we both goddamn well know it.

One would think that you are smart enough to realize that name dropping is an annoying and incredibly rude habit, and if you don’t, I’d like to inform you now that IT’S REALLY ANNOYING AND RUDE. You may have worked with these people, and they may have laughed at one of your jokes in that setting, but the fact is, you’re being a rude prick when you name drop, and unfortunately, people really, really dislike you for it. And I’m sick and tired of trying to gently teach you social graces.

2

Word. Melinda confided in me that this pisses her off to no end.

3

She lets me call her “Mel”.

4

It’s “Mindy” to those of us who are part of the “In-crowd.”

5

You’re of course referring to Honey Dumplings, right?

6

It’s sweet tits, even Gibsey agrees on that.

7

btw- That ‘Honey Dumplings’? They are real and they are Magnificent…! :smiley:

8

Is that that blonde chick I always refer to as “you”, as in “Hey, you, get me another scotch”? That’s B’s wife? Whoda thunk?

9

My Hubby was once at a party with Alice Cooper. I’m going to tell him to start mentioning it randomly and refering to Cooper as “Allie.”

10

If your power goes out, it’s really not necessary for you to tell me that you know the GM of my company before I’ll send someone out to your house to fix it.

One day, the GM stops by my office and says “Hey Roon, how’s it goin’?” ('Cause we’re tight like that.)

I said “Y’know, it must be cool to have as many ‘friends’ as you do. Do they all send you Christmas gifts?”

He just rolled his eyes and sighed. “They’re probably those same people who call me and tell me that they’re friends with the Commissioners…”

Honestly people, I’m not the least bit impressed. You know my boss? Big fuckin’ whoop. So do I…and he’s not impressed, either.

11

Funny you should mention that, I was just talking with Mel the other night over a cocktail or three, and right out of the blue he said I was his bestest friend in the while wide world. He also said I had the prettiest man titties he’d ever seen, and he’s seen plenty!

He also said Jews don’t drink scotch which I know is not altogether true, so maybe I should take his appraisal of my sweet, hard, hairy man tits with a big grain of salt.

That Mel!

12

Did your husband go to a party with Alice Cooper, or did he attend a party independent of Alice Cooper, who just happened to be there?

13

I call him Willy Gates, but then again I don’t care much for Microsoft.

14

Hey waitaminute. You mean Carly Fiorina makes you call her that, too??!!

15

I know! Just last week I was having some drinks with Bobby DeNiro, he’s all “Ben Stiller this… Billy Crystal that…” WTF, dude, I’m like “You’re not friends with these people, you just work with them.”

No wonder nobody returns his calls.

16

Look, I’m sorry if my exceedingly close relationship with Billy Gates offends you, but as I was saying to my good buddy Jack Nicholson the other day, “J-dawg, it sure must suck to be one of the little people.” Then Big Nic says, “I wouldn’t know, vibro!” We all had a good laugh and hopped in his Porsche Cayenne and drove down to Malibu to see Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, because George Clooney (did I mention the G-Unit was there?) said they had some really good X.

And did they ever! Two words, baby: blue dolphin! The next thing I know we were all rolling like trains! Angie was so lit, she breast fed me. And since her breastmilk was just lousy with MDMA, things just got weirder from there. I looked up from her perfect, swollen tit just in time to see Clonney, Jack and Jamie Foxx playing Uno and freebasing Kevin Bacon’s special blend of cocaine, GHB and Paxil. “Hey, gimmie some of that!” I yelled, as a little dribble of Angie’s breast milk escaped my lips. So me and Jolie, who was, of course, totallly nude, crawled over to the couch, stopping off along to way to briefly make out and get our champagne flutes topped off with Cristal by Wynona Ryder, who was playing bartender, as usual. Naturally, she had to get in on our little make-out session too, but do you hear me complaining? (Just between us, she’s a biter. I think it’s kind of hot, but Angie’s tits were a little tender still, so she wasn’t really into it and they got into a tickle fight.) Finally, after what seemed like an hour we all made it to the couch and got our base on. “Damn, Kev-Bo!” Angie said. “This stuff’s got a kick to it!” Then she proceeded to tell all of us how Paris Hilton never existed, and that she’s actually just an android built by rouge DARPA scientists in the employ of Warren Buffet.

Brad had heard that one before. “Honey, you always get so paranoid when you’re lactating!” They were about to get into it (and if you’ve seen Mr. and Mrs. Smith, you know they fight dirty) when we heard a really loud motorcycle in the back yard. Turns out Prince and Samuel L. Jackson were racing their Harley Davidsons, and Sammy accidentally ended up in the pool! We all had a good laugh. SJ was a little put out, but we got him some dry clothes (you can’t tell him I told you this, but he’s got the same inseam size as The Pitts!) and a big blunt of BC Bud, and he chilled right out.

So then His Purple Badness says, “Do you mind if I call some friends?” And I’m like “Hey Your Highness, ask Brad and Angie, it’s not my house!” So he gets on the celly and a few minutes later Uma Thurman, Lucy Lu, and Daryl Hannah show up. They had a really good night at The Luxor Casino and Resort’s craps table the night before, so they gave us all Toyota Priuses wrapped in big pink bows. The last thing I remember is laying in the back seat of mine huffing amyl nitrate and talking on the phone with Bill Gates while Gwen Stephani gave me a foot job. Good thing it was a long weekend!

17

Party with Alice Cooper? We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy! [/Wayne and Garth]

18

Yeah, but in the bedroom she makes me yell “Dude, you’re getting a Dell” over and over…

19

Back when I was slaving in retail, one of by jobs was at Frank’s Nursery and Crafts. When I was at the store in nouveau riche Birmingham, (MI, not AL), I had frequent encounters with irate customers threatening to tell their good friend. Mr. Frank, about my boorish behavior in not refunding their money for items returned without a receipt that had been clearly trampled in their driveways.
I never quite had the heart to tell them that Frank (first name, not family name) had died many years before I joined the company.

20

Y’know, your mother mentioned you might complain about name dropping the last time I was fucking her.