Obviously a hypothetical thread from the Rhymer, even though there’s no poll. If you don’t like these, your continuing to read this OP baffles me.
The archangel Raphael appears to you to announce that you’ve been chosen to hear, assess, and grant (or deny) prayers for persons in the city you live in. You’ll have miraculous power and perception for this purpose for one year while you prove yourself worthy of a permanent gig. Here’s what you need to know:
As it turns out, Ralph’s boss is not terribly interested in worship or sacrifices. Thus she prefers that, whenever possible, you work wonders in such a fashion that they may be mistaken for natural processes, and also in such a way as to increase rather than decrease the self-reliance of the person praying. It goes without saying that you may not set yourself up to be worshipped; do so and you can expect a major smack-down from the archangel Michael long before the twelve months are up.
As the above implies, you are not omnipotent, just vastly powerful; it’s posisble to exhaust it and, while it will recharge, that may take days. The limits of your power and the time required tor recharge it are best discovered by trial & error.
You’re on probation, so you don’t have any mind-reading abilities; this will restrict you to prayers which have been verbalized, either aloud or in writing. It doesn’t matter to what deity the prayers have been aimed, and if you wish you can also treat wishes as prayers so long as they’re uttered or written.
If you wish, you use your power to support yourself in a reasonable middle-class lifestyle so you may treat the prayer-answering as a full-time job, and to protect yourself from personal harm. Uriel urges caution if you do this; people who have done that in the past have tended to lose the common touch and ultimately don’t get past the probationary period. But that’s your call. Again, though, if you use your powers obnoxiously, you may expect Mike’s mighty fist to wrap itself around your throat. You may, incidentally, craft whatever mechanical aids you wish to help you organize and sort the prayers.
Your reach is restricted to the city you live in when you were given the power. You may only hear and answer prayers from persons in that city, and your power will only work in that city. Thus you can only turn Moammar Gadhafi into a cockroach and step on him if you already live in Tripoli.
God is not offering you this job; she has given it to you. You may protest if you wish, but remember that as mighty as you now are, Mike could still take you out out with a toothpick. Also, remember Jonah.
God would like you to shut up about Jim Carrey movies.
I would only listen to those prayers that wish a benefit on some person other than the person praying. The more selfless the better. All others get tossed in the rubbage bin, except those that would be particularly funny or ironic to grant/subvert/mess with. Hey, a guy’s gotta have a hobby!
Serial implies that he’ll do it again, so saving the victim means saving future victims as well. On the cusp, but I might smite the varlet. Saving everyone from Life is counter-productive and messing with Her ineffable Plan. I think.
As for help sorting every prayer out, I’m think a posse of femlins.
No prayers that would interfere with the Big Plan. Unless you’re Matt Damon and Emily Blunt.
No prayers for trivial things like winning a football game or finding your car keys.
No malevolent prayers like praying that your boss has a heart attack or your ex-wife breaks her leg.
Purely selfish prayers are generally going to be denied. Maybe an occasional one if the person has earned it by generally being a good person. (And I consider a selfish prayer to be something like praying for a million dollars or praying for better luck with women. Praying to have your cancer cured or praying that your stepfather will stop molesting you doesn’t count as selfish.)
Purely religious prayers are also generally going to be denied. So no praying for a sign or praying that somebody will see the light. I’m going to take a neutral position on religious issues.
After that prayers will get ranked on three criteria: How serious is your problem? How much is a miracle needed (as opposed to a problem that could be addressed by non-miraculous means)? And how deserving are you?
I would have a strict no whining and no sucking up rule. Once a request gets past that, then on their merits.
So the “Oh God most powerful and mighty who blesses us daily, please could you help me get rid of this annoying twit from marketing because he bothers me and makes me look bad and…”
I’d use a little power to augment my intellect and wisdom so I could wisely handle the prayers/wishes. I would try to avoid using my powers for my own benefit because down that road lies endless (until Michael shows up) distraction.
Did anyone else upon reading the OP, immediately think of the Futurama episode: Godfellas?
G-d: “When you do things right, people won’t be sure you’ve done anything at all.”
No prayers that can only be granted at the expense of others… unless they deserve it. I’m not going to subvert a girl’s free will to make her fall in love with you, but I’ve got no problems dropping a thunderbolt on a mugger.
I’m not saving you from your own dumbass self unless you recognise what the problem is. If I save you from alcohol poisoning today, I don’t want to have to do it again tomorrow.
Personally, I’d want to make sure they aren’t mistaken for natural processes, to ensure that if someone needs the help, they’ll bother to ask. Being coy just means people will die not knowing I could have saved them.
Well, it’s a twit from MARKETING. So you might reconsider this one instance.
And my own rule: all prayers that request telemarketers and door to door salescreeps to be smitten will be answered, if they are within my range. Preferably with a thunderbolt, just to get my point across.
Question to Rafa: does it work for prayers uttered in this town but for people who are in the hospital nearby? Pretty please with sugar on top and pictures of kitties and rainbows?
I would stay out of politics, no “signs” (as per the Big Boss’s wishes, plus given the amount of religions represented in this 2500 people town it would become a problem real fast), and basically work along the lines of what my BFF’s mother said she prayed for during exams: “I don’t pray for the Holy Ghost to whisper in her ear something she hasn’t studied; I know she’s done her studying. I pray that she won’t get so nervous she forgets what she does know, and that the teacher won’t have a toothache while grading.” Inspiration for people solving problems (but no discovery of the cure for cancer, just happening to try relatively early the therapy which works best for that particular type), serenity in times of crisis… I’ll leave lightning bolts to Migueltxo, after all he’s the local patron saint
I live in a big university city, so the vast majority of prayers would probably revolve around freezing time to allow for last minute exam cramming.
I’d give those people a single nugget of insight or knowledge during their exams, which they could use to great effect if they’ve revised the rest of the material.
As for the rest, I’d arrange all of the prayers into a database searchable by subject, so that I could answer multiple people at once. A donation of new equipment to the local hospital might help multiple people who are praying for their sick loved ones, for example, or I could start a new construction project to help out of work builders.
I’d be especially interested in prayers that strengthen ordinary human institutions when answered, or steer public policy in useful directions. For example, if I wrongfully incarcerated man prays for exoneration, I might use my powers to “nudge” the prosecutor’s attention towards exculpatory evidence. I might influence his mind directly - or, if that weren’t possible/ethical, I might ensure that the appropriate record showed up at an obvious spot on his desk.
If a soldier prayed for peace, I would do what I could to prevent accidental war - for example, I could ensure that diplomats and intelligence analysts tasked to the relevant crisis were not impaired by fatigue toxins or stress, that important communications and control infrastructure didn’t fail, and so on. (I’m not cheating on the one-city rule, BTW - I live and work in Arlington, so this sort of intervention could go far. If we expanded my city to include DC proper, it could go even farther.)
The key is to work with a light hand. Unlike another poster, I do not want to encourage reliance upon prayer - even if the demand could be met, I think the effect upon human culture would be highly toxic. That said, I’m a pragmatist - if a reformist head of state is visiting DC, and he’d love to democratize his country but is dying of cancer, the fellow can expect a marked improvement in his chemotherapy’s efficacy. Though even in that case, I won’t use a heavier touch than necessary - if the guy needs five years to get his reforms running smoothly, he’ll get them, but beyond that it’s all up to medical science.
