DING DING DING! Tell her what she’s won!
I officially cry “UNCLE”
I would make every parent’s worst dreams come true I would live out all of questionable video games that I’ve ever played and movies I’ve seen. I think the first step in inspiring true horror would be to write a book listing each of my activities and why media violence made me do them.
I think I’d start small climbing fire escapes while jumping over barrels, just to gain fame. Then I would move up to vigilante justice blowing up meth labs and killing pimps in the street. That would help me keep public support so this could last three months. Finally, I would start shooting people who pissed me off, then start using chainsaws and all of the other stuff that makes video games fun.
Oh, I almost forgot to combine sex in with my violence well I think that having sex with everything that moves will be ok. I’d start with a plethora of vanilla sex and just ratchet it up along with the violence. That way the world will be even worse off once I’m gone. They will take away all of the fun movies and video games and children won’t even be allowed to play at violence for fear of turning into me.
I’d go around for three months humming “It’s a Small World” at very opportunity.
I’m a big fan of first-person shooters (video games). I think I’d just go real-world with that. Sniping and running. Walking into a mall and treating everybody like they were Zombies and I was the master of undead justice.
Hmm. Gonna have to steal some money to finance this, I think…
I would do this, but with ammo. If I could figure out how. It’s presumably not easy to hijack one of those bad boys.
I’d go from town to town, beating the crap out of abusive parents and spouses and torturing child molesters. I would encourage others to follow in my path and create a wave of vigilante justice. As more and more people signed on, the cause would be lost and perverted as others used it more blatantly to advance their own agendas. Homosexuals would be beaten openly in the streets, Jews would cease to be safe in some towns, and blacks and whites would engage in open warfare in all major urban districts. Anyone questioning vigilantism would be accused of pedophilia and killed.
I’d kidnap someone, lock her in a small room, and systematically torture her into becoming my brainwashed sex slave. I’m thinking Ann Coulter, although I’m open a better suggestion.
I’m a software designer so I would start designing tools that let other people express their inner evil. I’ve got about a dozen ideas in my notepad, all eminently feasible, all socially corrosive. Here’s one example from my work on digital voyeurism:
Collaborative stalking. You’re surfing facebook or hotornot or some other online site and you find a guy/girl who you want to know more about so you put up an anonymous request on the stalker exchange network and other people help you find out more information about her, snap photos of her surreptitiously and possibly break into her house and steal her underwear. But it’s a tit-for-tat arrangement, if you want others to help you stalk, you first have to go out there and stalk for other people…
As far as I can tell, a site like that, well organised, could cripple much of the openness of social networking sites and cast a serious pall on our assumptions of the goodness of the average stranger. Awful enough for you?
Kind of like Freecycle. Sounds good; where do I get some tat?
I seem to have a one-track mind today. Sorry.
I would definitely start some havoc on the roadways. Ugly car? Ram it. Asshole sitting in the middle of my lane, leaning out of her window and talking to some other asshole directly parallel and going the other way so I can’t get past them? Slowly bump her forward until I’m clear. Expensive car? Run it off the road.
Standing on the ramp and throwing rocks at the cars below? Yep. Decorating cars with eggs and moldy sour cream? You bet. Hiding week-old wheatpaste in pickup trucks so they explode all over everything? Oh yeah.
Speaking of which, I would print out extremely offensive pictures and wheatpaste them on traffic signs, inside bathroom stalls, on peoples’ windows facing in, etc.
Of course, I’d troll the Dope relentlessly with an army of socks. Hey, it ain’t pleasant, but it’s gotta be done if I’m going to impress the Big Chief.
Lastly, if Og still weren’t impressed (cause really, you know it’d be Og, of all deities, to be ordering this kind of thing), I would use MySpace to frame people I hate. Start up a profile with cute girl pics off the Interweb and hit on them, get them to write some lewd public comments on the profile, then change everything (including the pics) to say 15 years old and then give an anonymous tip to the police.
Apparently it’s not tough in my neck of the woods. (Or wasn’t, anyway.) A longer clip of the exact same incident has him attacking my doctor’s office.
Just 15?
I’d have to make it plausible, or there wouldn’t be a point. Now that I think about it, I could cut the age by a few years by taking away the need to make it plausible for a police investigation; maybe I’d just post “WARNING! THIS MAN IS A PEDOPHILE!” with proof all over their school, place of employment, etc.
Is it implied that we can absolutely get away with anything we do? Or do we run the risk of getting caught?
Personally, I really think **fatgail **has plumbed the depths of ultimate evil, but given unfettered ability to do anything I wanted, I’d do a couple of other things:
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Advanced weaponry. On my car. Doing under the speed limit on a single-lane road? KA-BOOM! Playing duck-'n-weave in your P-plate car with the stereo blaring? Tracking lasers on; missiles engaged.
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Forcible desexing of all pets unless the owner has a valid breeder’s license. Followed by forcible sterilisation of all those owners who didn’t have desexed pets. (Note: both ‘reproductive sterilisation’ or the sort involving prolonged boiling in water work for me.)
There’s always the chance I might accidentally make the world a better place, but I’m willing to take the risk.
Pull a Snake Plissken and crash-land a glinder on top of the Kaaba…
Does it really matter what I do after that?
It does?
Okay, I, um…I dunno, draw a combination pentagram/star of david/hammer and sickle on it with a mixture of pigs blood, piss, and powdered uranium ore.
If that doesn’t start a nuclear war, I don’t know if there’s much more I can do on my own.
Me too. I guess I could start vandalising famous works of art and desecrating ancient monuments or something.