I received this memo from my feline overlord today. I thought you might be interested.
To all staff: Both of you
Re: Humans use too many words
Today I came into the kitchen for my breakfast. You were chattering to each other as humans tend to do. I said “Mrrah?” This word means Food. You did not get me food, but continued to chatter to each other and to me in that annoying high-pitched tone you use to speak to me.
This time wasting must cease. You humans use too many words. Here is a list of the only words humans need:
1 A word for food. Maybe, if you’re one of those pain in the ass gourmet types, you can use four or five words for different kinds of food.
2 A word for lord, (maybe a word for lady) as in “Food, Lord.” when you call me in for mrrah.
3 A word for when you hurt, like ow! So I know when my claws have done their job.
4 A word for vet so I will know when to hide.
5 A word for come here, so I can ignore you.
And that’s all! Here’s some sentences: Vet lord. Come here. Ow! Food, Lord? Vet! OW!! (See? You can even lie!)
This is all the words humans need to use. See to my wishes at once.
Love and Licks
Shupiluliumiash the Magnificent. Shuppy to those who are beloved. Not you.
The title “Lord” is reserved for an entity known as sky-buddy, whom many humans believe in but many others do not.
To forestall confusion, we propose the honorific “Kitty” or “Kitteh,” an ancient Lolspeak term for the household cat-gods of antiquity. When chanted rapidly - “Kittykittykittykittykitty” - or intoned in a tender or high-pitched mew, it is a form of propitiation to the cat of the house, bespeaking devotion, pettins and love.
No, Shupiluliumiash is the name of a Hittite king who had 65 children, (not all from the same woman you understand). He spent a lot of time arranging marriages for them all.
At the time of naming the little $10.00 beastie I just liked the sound of the name.
Now, looking back, I should have named him Clarence. Because I got him on a pet shop clearance sale.
“the Magnificent” was all Shuppy’s idea. He uses in his memos and while annexing territories to his vast domain.
Empress Aleksandra I (pictured here) offers “Blrrrrrt? Maaaaah mraaah. Mrap.”
Which, roughly, means, “I’m remotely annexing your pathetic domain. Sounds like YOUR vocabulary’s lackin’. Also, bring it on.”
In all seriousness, Alex understands about fifty nouns/verbs and basic syntax (like the difference between “bring me the mouse”, “bring me the ball”, and “bring the ball to the mouse”)–and even deigns to act on that knowledge sometimes.
