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Your SO threatens you with the following:
“If you don’t log yourself out when you use my computer I’m going to go to the SDMB and ask what the third word that ends in “gry” is under your user name.” -
This threat actually strikes fear into your heart.
You see a dog crapping on your lawn and you immediately wish the dog was on fire.
You see someone in a lawn chair and immediately look around to see if somebody’s about to get it on, and wonder if there is popcorn about to be served.
You’re helping your kid with homework and see the problem "1/3 x 3 = ", and cringe when he starts converting 1/3 to decimal.
Your at a business meeting reading the outline and wonder why outline bullet #3 doesn’t have the single word, “Profit!” next to it.
The word ‘assbitch’ is in your active vocabulary.
You know what happens when you put a plane on a treadmill.
You know you’re a longtime Doper when:
– You know where the phrase “I have a butthole too, but that doesn’t mean I want a running jigsaw inserted into it” came from, and what it was referring to.*
– You saw the “14 k of a g p d” thread go on forever and remembered one about May 33rd, which also seemed to go on forever.
– You went through withdrawal during the Winter of Missed Content, and through disappointment when threads were lost during it.
– You believe that within all Internet servers lurk very tired hamsters.
– You instinctively think of your age when you see real kids on your real lawn, and the phrase “Hey you kids, get off my lawn” immediately comes to mind.
- It was Cervaise’s infamous “The Telemarketer Speaks, I Respond” thread.
At work, when sending out an e-mail in your capacity as Acting Chief, you begin it:
[Acting Chief Hat on}
When the first thing you do in the morning is read the dope for an hour or two. Every single day.
When you tell every single person you know about the dope and how awesome it is and their eyes glaze over and you think, ‘Fucking retards.’
I’d forgotten the happy Jewish smilie! I miss him! Why did he go…why?
Your wife regularly asks “why were you looking at [odd, generally perverted] site?”
When bad shit happens to you, you immediately start mentally composing a Pit thread to post to the board as soon as you are at your computer.
How about poor spelling? 
When you can’t watch Back to You without thinking of common spelling errors.
- If you have ever been bitten in the ass by Gaudere’s Law. :smack:
Yeah… umm… yeahhh
Your reaction to something mundane and pointless is “Well, that’s really mundane and pointless”…And then you must share it.
You overhear someone jam together a couple of completely unrelated words and think “Band name!”
In any discussion of one person’s superiority over another, you interject “Batman, if he’s prepared.”
You’re sitting in a bar when an attractive woman walks up to you and says, “You know, I anal”
And you look at her and say “Yeah, I’m not a lawyer either.”
If you see the phrase “Gaudere’s Law” and don’t say “What?”
If you double and triple check everything you write because you don’t want “that law” to come and bite you.
If the only letters for which you’re sure of the universal code words are W, T, and F.
I been lied to, and I been dissed
But my baby done put me on her “ignore” list!
Oh, lordy, put me on that “ignore” list…
You know what a collateral adjective is and have learned from SDMB postings almost every one of them.
In the rare event you don’t know one, you are certain you can drop into GQ, ask (for example) “What’s the collateral adjective for ocean?” and in 30 seconds you’ll get 5 “Dopers” responding (within about .05 seconds of each other) with “pelagic”.
I was chatting at work last week, and was inwardly surprised that the people I was talking to didn’t seem to know much about anything (didn’t know about softwood lumber tariffs, didn’t know about NAFTA, didn’t know what tariffs were at all, actually, didn’t know how big anyone’s armies are, etc.). I think that really marked me as a Doper. Don’t average people talk about anything? I run into this quite often - the things we take for granted around here, other people haven’t even started learning about.
And the whole making up Pit threads whenever something bad happens. And starting half my sentences with, “The other time, at [del]band camp[/del] the Straight Dope…”