Your mom is really the one with the choice to make: which does she want more, the illusion of a respectable marriage (with whatever emotional validation she may get from being the ‘wronged wife’), or the upheaval necessary to actually get free (with the uncertainty of a future without Bob)?
Sorry to sound callous, but your mom’s situation is similar to the situation my mom chose to live with for a number of years, despite her children’s efforts to help. We siblings groused among ourselves, because actually changing the situation was too scary for mom to even contemplate.
In the end, Jenny has to choose, even if you don’t agree with her choice.
The only person that you should discuss this with is your mom, and you’ve already done that. Now the best thing you can do is to keep in touch with her and be as loving and supportive as you can.
Take Bob out and kick his ass up between his shoulderblades for being a moron. Figuratively speaking - physical violence is not indicated, but a reading of the riot act is.
Simple it’s none of your business. But these people are not leaving you out of your business.
Simple: Inform everyone the next time anyone involved does anything to drag you into their business, you’ll tell everyone.
That way you’ve moved the onus from you to them. If they want to continue their secret they leave you totally alone, if not, then they’ve signed their own death warrent.
You have to be assertive in situations. I’ve had work situation, though not as bad where X and Y are dating and each wants to tell me and I’ve had to bluntly tell them, “Look I like you but I don’t want to hear ANYTHING, that pertains to you two PERIOD.” Then if one would try to to say something, I’d cut them off and say “Sorry, but as I explained before, I really am not interested in hearing this. Please change the subject immediately.”
It sounds harsh and it is, but some people won’t learn.
Remember you can’t let other people dictate your happiness. If these people are 'causing you grief you have a right to stop it. Just as they have the right to leave you out of their business.
I’m not clear on a few things. Do you know anything specific your mom doesn’t know? If so, how do you know it?
Are you saying that by speding a lot of time with Martha and having kissed her, he is cheating on your mom? Do you know for certain, or simply suspect, they’ve had sex?
When you confronted your mem and step dad, did he deny anything besides threaten to beat you up? What were his other comments at the time?
To be fair, you don’t necessarily have to be screwing for it to be an affair. “Emotional affairs” where the cheating partner is spending all of his/her kindness, concern, time, and emotional availability with someone else and giving none to the spouse are still harmful.
My father was a minister and (is) a good man. In the small fucked up rural communities we grew up in, he was often the only resource or sympathetic ear around. He never counciled anyone they would be magically rewarded for doing what he said.
I get maybe you and religion are at odds. But don’t paint people who often make horrendous sacrifices, make jack shit, and do their damndest to help out to be charlatans. Thanks!
Actually, I am an atheist, and I will chime in to say talking to the preacher isn’t necessarily a bad idea. Priests have been given a terribly bad name and granted it’s deserved. But preachers have also been some of the kindest men I know, who speak to you openly and honestly, if they are good, and listen.
As for the rest of it, my sympathies, OP. Some good advice here. Good luck.
How did you find out about it? If your Mom is the one that let you in on the secret, then you should continue to tell your mom how you feel. You really have no business confronting Bob, Martha, her husband, or their kids.
Sounds like your Mom wanted to complain to you, but she doesn’t really want to do anything about it. If this were my mom, I would tell her that she needs to be more forthright with Bob, set the ground rules with regard to contact with Martha, or she leave Bob. If your Mom’s not willing to do that, then she needs to stop whining to you.
Sounds like your issue is more with your mom and her lack of decisiveness, and her poor choice of men.
The children should not be told. They are not mature enough for these adult “games”. It would be a manipulation to do so, and at what expense; instilling fear, anxiety, loss of trust?
I would have a time set aside to talk to a chaplain, reverend or preacher. I’m sure some guidance would come from that because now that person has made it a problem for the same.
I would nark them right the fuck out. For one thing, she’s putting her husband at risk of disease. For another thing, he flat deserves to know.
I know that almost everybody always says to mind your own business, but those people are wrong. The right and compassionate thing to do is tell the people who need to know.
I’ve been put in the situation more than once of having knowledge that a friend was cheating, and not telling the wife. I hated being put in that position, of helping to betray the trust of the victim, and I would never do it again.
Wow. This is so uncalled for. And shows a gross misunderstanding of…well, lots of stuff, anyway.
Some clergypeople are indeed assholes, but not all of them. And they do have experience dealing with people and their problems. So, if the OP trusts his minister, then talking to him sounds like an excellent idea.
Very insightful. I think you’re right.
ejtx: I’m sure you’re genuinely angry about all the other stuff that you mentioned too, but this may be why it’s bugging you so very much. You may have to find a way to learn to deal with those feelings. It’s hard to do that, and this is a tough situation. I feel for you. Good luck
Perhaps you should have read the other responses before you posted. There’s really no point in jumping into the thread and parroting the same old “rule” that everybody’s seen a thousand times without any context. How does that help anyone? Of course, after reading the thread, you may have the same opinion, but at least you won’t be just flapping your jaws.
I forgot to say, I also would advise leaving Martha’s children out of it. The only time they should be involved is if she asks them for help. The point of telling is not to apread the pain, it is to make sure everyone involved is making informed decisions about their lives and health.
All of my advice changes if you do not know for absolutely certain that they are having sex.
Based upon the OP’s comments, it does not appear that he knows for sure, as the source of the information is his mom. Mom’s husband (stepdad) denies that any sex has occurred, but it appears that Mom and the OP suspect that it is occuring.
Onus is on Mom to take action or not. The OP has no business trying to step in and save Mom. She’s a grown woman and if she’s being cheated on and is willing to do nothing then that’s her bed to lie in.