You need to work on your interpersonal skills...

In this thread, Gatopescado says [emphasis mine]:

It’s been noted that my sense of humour is… somewhat dark. So let’s hear how you’d notify someone of something in the worst way. Like…

A cop shows up at a couple’s home and says, ‘Mrs. Green? You know that husband you used to have…?’

OK. Fine. I have the flu. I am simultaneously bored and stupid.

-He’s been re-assigned for parts.
-He’s pining for the fjords (gotta get just one in there).
-He’s moved to Tallahassee.
-He’s our new partner. Want to join the boys for dinner? (Is this a give good news in a bad way or bad news in a bad way thing?)
-He’s working late tonight. We thought we’d stop by so you wouldn’t worry.

Here’s mine:

You know how your kid’s not home from school yet? The principal calls and says…

And now, a word from Sam Waterston:

One of my faves. :slight_smile:

We’ve got your medical results back and you’ve got something that sounds like “dancer” only it’s not as much fun.

it’s fictional, but I like this exchange from the old (short lived) TV show Police Squad!:

Frank: “We’re sorry to bother you at such a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn’t dead then.”

“…the good news is, now you can switch to warning him that he’ll shoot his other eye out!”

From MST3K: “Remember last week when he was alive? Well, that didn’t last.”

When they answer the door, hand them a box about the size of a grapefruit and say “Here’s Johnny!”

It also works for Fluffy or Fido.

I’m reminded of an old joke from the 1970s when telegrams still existed but had become really, really rare. And singing telegram services were around for occasions like birthdays & such.

Telegram messenger rings doorbell, shouts “Telegram!”.
Man answers door.
Messenger: "I have a telegram for John Smith.
Man: “I’m John Smith. is this a singing telegram? I’ve always wanted to get a singing telegram.”
Messenger: “No sir.”
Man: “Oh please, just this once can you sing it to me?!”
Messenger: “Sir, I really don’t think you want me to do that.”
Man: “Oh yes I do; please, please!”
Messenger: “Okaaay …”
Messenger: Tweets on pitch pipe. “One anna two anna … Sue and the kids are dead!”


Gym teacher: “Will all kids with living parents please step forward.” Pause. “Not so fast, Jenkins.”

Reminds me of one of the “Lighter Side” comics in MAD magazine:

Platoon Leader: “I need to tell Private Smith that his wife died, but I don’t know how…”

Drill Sergeant: “Men, I need everyone of you who is married to step forward. Hold it! Not so fast, Private Smith!”

D’oh, should have read to the end of the thread!

Lindsay: How is he?
Doctor: It looks like he’s dead.
Michael: Wait, is he really dead or does it look like he’s dead?
Doctor: It looks like he’s dead. He’s covered in blue paint or something.

Policeman: Are you the widow Smith?

Woman: I’m sorry, officer you’re mistaken. My husband is alive.

Policeman: Not anymore, he ain’t.