“The sudden decrease in the population of aasvogels,” said Dr. Zoidberg, “is likely due to the imminent return of Futurama on Hulu; that, or bad dates.”
Chucky entered the airlock to urgently make use of the bathroom facilities there, only to realize seconds later that he’d neglected to reinitiate the artificial gravity.
“That’s the last time I’ll stalk Cote de Pablo and Pauley Perrette,” I said to myself knowing full well that it was a lie.
Today Paraguay has declared unlimited war on all the grasshoppers in Finland.
Men at some time are masters of their fates: the fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves, that we are underlings…but yeah, it’s either that or that fact that almost no one sings that cool Zippety Doo Dah song anymore.
I just couldn’t get my foot out of the Goddam mailbox, no matter how hard I tried – funny thing is, I don’t remember the postal person putting it in there.
For the plan to work, we’ll need two parrots, an eggbeater, a broken washing machine, and a paint-by-number kit.
I want olfactory superpowers because I want to be a shit aficionado.
“The problem with eggplants,” Jesus Christ said to his friend Rasputin, “is that you get used to how delicious and fresh they are, and then one day you crack one open and - boom! - it’s just chock full of thousands of old pennies.”
I asked the waiter for more leeches and he responded by saying, “Ungawa, gabba gabba hey, no zebra in kitchen.”
While basking on the balcony of a bordello on the balmy shores of brackish Lake Baikal, the beautiful bikini-clad Balkan babe, originally from Balaclava, Ukraine, plucked her balalaika and ordered, from an abutting boardwalk Burger King, some baklava which she then had trouble biting because of the small piehole in the eponymous balaclava she was wearing.
I do so fear that I have wasted far too much of my life trying to teach my pants to play chess, but in another sense, it’s been an incredibly rewarding experience because the ladies are impressed by the effort.
He soon regretted making his penis a pawn in his wider goals.
“I wish I knew a word that means the position of a golf ball on the course,” I said, knowing full well that it was a lie.
I’m sorry; I won’t read that again.
I want to run for public office but before I get put on any ballot does anyone know of a good photographer than can take pics of me dressed up in a gimp outfit while being humiliated by Little Bo Peep?
Only her lack of citizenship and premature death prevented Jenny Lind from voting for Benjamin Harrison.
No one knows that Judge Roy Bean had his own TV show. Right after, “Judge Judy.” Lily Langtry was the first plaintiff. She was suing her manager for embezzlement. To the tune of $154.
I’ve got this thing on my arm getting bigger by the year for like eleven years but I think it will eventually go away on its own. I decided to start praying about it, so….I’m confident.
In shale and Salem, within and without the fracas, thereby came a host of simple singleton singularities, the likes of which had often been seen in the fragrant recesses of the thrice-accursed and maple-leaved courts of Canterville, which was now serving as a homeless shelter.