A friend was invited to the wedding of an Indian couple, and was telling me about going to a South Asian clothing shop, but having trouble explaining the type of dress she was looking for to the women behind the counter.
I sang to her, “Well, ‘sari’ seems to be the hardest word.” Much groaning ensued.
I am very proud of that.
On twitter, someone I followed showed a pic of his granddaughter wanting to play Sorry! with him.
I tweeted back to him “Love means never having to play ‘Sorry!’”
It got a good reaction because he recognized the pun from the film “Love Story” (“Love means never having to say you’re sorry” for the younger dopers), AND
his name is Eric Segall (Professor of Law at Ga. State), and "Love Story was written by Erich Segal.
In a Government class at the local Community College, the professor was discussing free speech, including obscene language. He pointed out that some of the earliest obscenity laws were from English Common Law, where obscenity was defined as “having the power to appeal to the prurient nature of the basest member of society”
In my best Beavis & Butthead voice, I laughed and said, “He said ‘member!’”
About ten years ago a (then-eight-year-old) friend of my son’s was talking about hunting behind his house, and told me that once he shot a deer in his pajamas.
“Why was the deer wearing your pajamas?”
blank stare
He wasn’t a Groucho Marx fan, I’m guessing.
You use C4 in your coffee?! Wow, that must be one strong cuppa!
A few days ago at work. We had finished a job (that we had busted our humps getting done in a short time-frame because they had stuffed up their end) and sent it off the area that requested it. About 15 minutes later we got a call from a known PITA with a list of minor or imagined problems, after my boss hung up the phone: "There’s no pleasing some people. "
Me (in best Ex-Leper voice): "That’s just what Jesus said, sir. "
A few people got it.
I’ve pulled Airplane quotes out a lot, so I can’t list those…but I have one that’s close.
One of the Team Leads at my old Target would always end his requests with “can ya?”, so I would always give him the same response.
“Go look to see if we have any of those chairs can ya?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never been to Africa”
nm
In one of the technical training schools in the Navy, one of the instructors would tell us tales of his weekend at the beginning of Monday’s class. This time his story was about singing karaoke – but he couldn’t remember the song he sang. All he said was “it’s that song, you know, from that movie --” and I immediately chimed in: “Total Eclipse of the Heart”, and he said “yeah, that’s the one!”.
The entire class was dumbfounded, but it was just a completely lucky guess.
I got a great set up at the zoo once when my husband in all seriousness asked me, “why do flamingos stand on one leg?”
My immediate answer " because if they lifted up both legs they’d fall over!"
I am so jealous of that one!
I’ve had a couple, but my favourite was:
Whole office had gone up to the 3rd floor to listen to a leaving speech (or something); you could hardly hear anything and the person in front of me asked what the person had just said. So I replied “I dunno, something about blessed are the cheesemakers”.
That she got it and laughed was brilliant.
I was new at the job and trying to socialize with some blue collar warehouse workers, since I was responsible for their logistic software module. So I told them a semi-dirty joke.
There was a new guy at the job and old to-be coworker is explaining business to him:
“So there is bathroom, there is kitchen, there is emergency exit. We start at eight and finish at four.”
“Ok, got it.”
“Good. Just be sure, do you have any medical conditions that should I know and that could interfere with your work results.”
“Don’t think so. I am healthy as an ox. But I had testicles removed couple of years ago due to cancer.”
“Ok, then. You can come at nine, since the first hour we are all scratching our balls.”
Nobody laughed. Few smirks only. Then one of them say: “Hey Frankie, that means you could come at 8.30.”
That is how I learned that Frankie has testicle removed due to cancer.
I think I’ve shared this before, but that’s never stopped me.
Before my marriage, my dad approached me. He said, “Son, your mom wants me to talk to you about sex.”
I said, “Okay, Dad, what do you want to know?”
He looked at me a minute, and said, “Okay, then.”
In this vein,
In college I was joking around with the guys, and I would use “your mom” jokes since they’re stupid and no one really laughs at them. So it was something dumb like:
“That’s weird”
“Your mom’s weird!”
“My Mom’s dead”
“Yeah, cuz I killed her”
…it turned out that his mom really was dead and died when he was like 3. Other peopel eventually confirmed it. Basically felt like Nicholson in A Few Good Men “Well don’t I feel like a fucking piece of shit”.
He eventually laughed it off and said it was fine (he was suuuuuper laid back like that so I took him at his word) but still…yeesh
The last post, regarding embarrassing “setups” reminded me of one I witnessed. A long time ago, I worked at a camera store in Chicago called Altman’s. We had a reputation for being rude. People would come in to be insulted. I worked with a dude called Frank. Kind of a Steven Wright type guy. One day a customer came in, walked up to Frank and asked to see a particular camera. Only thing was, he had a fearsome stutter. Frank leaned on the counter the whole time the guy struggled to voice his request. No blink, no smirk, no reaction of any kind. When the guy finally finished his sentence Frank deadpanned “That’s easy for you to say”. I was mortified. Time stood still, or so it seemed. Then the guy absolutely cracked up laughing. From that moment until he walked out with his purchase his stutter was barely there. He said Frank’s comment broke the ice and stopped his nervousness, which was the main reason for his stuttering. I thought I was gonna die when Frank made his comment.
Don’t be. Not a single person got it.
mmm
It is nothing short of magnificent! You work with dolts.
This one happened TO me:
I used to play music for tourists in downtown Baltimore. One early evening, I thought I’d tell a joke between songs:
If you took 32 women from West Virginia and put them in a straight line, what would you have?
The husband of a couple walking the promenade behind me yelled out the answer:
A full set of teeth!
I spun around, yelled You die, now! and broke up with laughter. The husband was braking up and the wife joined in, the three of us falling all over ourselves, tears streaming down our faces.
Not one person in my audience was even chuckling.
I’m at a Renaissance Fair with a friend. The actors are supposed to stay totally in character at all times. She takes my photo with the William Shakespeare character, then asks if I’ll take hers. I say “I hope you don’t mine.” He says “Surely I’ll be loving it.” Of course, I shot back with “Don’t call me Shirley.”
Shakespeare cracked up.
At one of my first jobs, early in the day there was a huge blowout between the boss, Ed, and one of his sales reps, Carol. The entire office overheard the shouting and she fled the building in tears.
Later that day, another co-worker approached Ed, saying the fax machine was acting up. After a minute of tinkering, Ed got it working again, and the co-worker blurted out, “You fixed it, you’re a frikkin magician!”
So I blurted out, “Well, he did make Carol disappear.”
So if you are staying totally in character, how exactly are you taking pictures?