In the fall of 1983, my submarine was steaming back to Pearl Harbor after a run under the ice. A few of us were shooting the breeze at the tail end of a field day, and talking about our plans once we got back to port. I mentioned my plans to fly out to California to get married. The bull Nuke (senior enlisted nuclear power-trained member of the crew) snorted derisively and said, “YOU’RE getting married? She must be blind!”
I responded, “She is, Master Chief, how did you know?”
To tell you the truth, I didn’t know skin could get that red.
One day I told my exercise group I wouldn’t be joining them for a while, because I had to go out of state to help my mother deal with some medical issues. There were, of course, replies of “good luck to her,” “hope she’ll be all right,” “hope you’ll be back soon,” and Tina and Margery commented, “Oh, that’s sad," "we’ll miss you a lot!”
To which I naturally replied, “Don’t cry for me, Marge and Tina."
Years ago I was working I a warehouse with several Spanish speaking workers. One
day as they were lifting a heavy box up onto the top of a tall stack of boxes one
of them said “¡Arriba, arriba!” (higher, higher!). I quickly added “Por ti seré,
por ti seré” (the next line from the lyrics of the song “La Bamba”) and made
them all start to laugh.
One morning, I got on the elevator at work. Another guy got on, too. I couldn’t help but notice he had a piece of fruit in his pocket. I said, with a totally straight face, “Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”
This is a link to Battle Pope’s thread; the OP fits here like a glove, but I didn’t want to hijack his thread (Say “Hello” while you’re there, how about it).
During the prime years of *The Office *on TV, everybody was doing the “that’s what she said” joke. I rarely used it because it was overdone, and it annoyed my wife something awful.
On one of the many occasions where our mailbox got pulverized and we were looking online for a new one, I kept pointing to generic, small, brown colored ones. Finally my wife said “Look, I just want a big, black one like my Dad has.”
I haven’t read all of these yet but am bookmarking to read when I get home. Funny stuff.
Here’s mine: I have a friend that had to have a hymenectomy. No kidding, google it. Her hymen was so thick it had to be removed surgically. A few months later we were at a girl’s night out when she was talking about her surgery and her recovery at home. She said it was very awkward for her then-fiance to come over and watch TV with her while she was laying there with a bag of frozen peas between her legs. Knowing where my hymen is (was) and thinking how ineffective a cold pack would be between the legs, I mentioned that her fiance should have left and come back with a popsicle for her.
She was not amused. Everyone else had a great laugh.
My friends and I were total D&D nerds in high school.* One year we went to GenCon. We were walking past some woods between two buildings when we heard someone playing the flute. We stopped and stared into the woods trying to figure out where it was coming from. Someone else walked by and muttered “Make your savings throw.” We busted up.
MANY years ago (probably 1968) I was at a Chinese restaurant in Montreal with my parents and grandparents. I was a kid, but I can still remember this. The restaurant had a reputation for the rudeness of their waiters, and that was specifically why my grandparents wanted to go there.
Anyway, we had been waiting and waiting forever for our order to be served, and my dad grabbed a passing waiter and complained about how long we had been sitting there, and where was our food. The waiter responded, without batting an eye “Oh ok. We send out Western Union”. I think my parents were still pissed, but I thought it was hilarious at the time.
I also have an old obscure one, that you may or may not get.
I’d occasionally get a question like “Do you smoke”, to which I’d routinely reply “I don’t know, I’ve never checked”. (Explanation – question from ancient comedy sketch which I can’t recall the source of, “Do you smoke after sex?”)
When I was nine months pregnant with our first baby, about ready to pop, my husband stood up in his best friend’s wedding. Before the ceremony we stopped to buy film. As we stood at the counter, him in his tux and me in a pregnant-lady fancy dress, the clerk says in a friendly voice, “So, going to a wedding? Who’s getting married?” I piped up cheerfully, “Us!”. He turned ten shades of red and muttered congratulations. My husband tells me I am evil.
I was at my sisters one night and she was having a glass of wine while making dinner. My brother-in-law walks into the room and starts joking about his “alcoholic” wife. I reply "“J’s not an alcoholic, alocoholics go to meetings.” Brother-in-law just about fell over laughing while my siter tried to decide if she should laugh or clean up blood (it was a big knife in her hands.)
So, we are talking about politics and economics, so on and so forth, and he says “Well, you know the Soviets could never figure out how to make a decent car…”
At some sort of event years ago, my wife and I struck up a conversation with another couple. The woman introduced herself as “Jayne, with a Y”, to which my wife innocently replied, "Wouldn’t that be pronounced ‘Yane’? "
The woman didn’t even crack a smile, but her husband and I thought it was hysterical…